Thursday, December 06, 2012
I accidentally got the treadmill in front of ABC where "Criminal Minds" show was on at the gym. I tried really hard not to look, but was extremely disturbed over and over. It didn't help that a couple TVs over there was another gory crime drama.
I used to watch shows like this all of the time. Now it's been almost 5 years since I watched those regularly, and only a couple years that I haven't had TV at home at all, and I was really shaken by the violence and images.
My over-active and sensitive imagination already goes into overdrive if there's a hint of danger, or the thought crosses my mind. I used to only be really disturbed by sexual assault on women or children, but I think it's expanded. You know how you can get a song stuck in your head? Sometimes I get a train of thought stuck in my head. And if it's all of the horrific acts that shows like this allude to (or display), it's a SERIOUS challenge to stop the visualizations. I have to envision white space, like meditation in a way. Sometimes that can stop it on the track. Other times I have to distract myself and hope it doesn't come back.
I know that not everyone is as sensitive to this stuff as me. People often don't understand. Tonight I felt embarrassed or ashamed, but then I told myself that it's okay-- no one HAS to be desensitized to it.
I was completing my Week 5, Day 2 10k program.
-I considered asking them to turn it off/change the channel, but I didn't want to stop running.
- I tried finding other places to focus my eyes on, without throwing myself off balance or off the treadmill. That was hard..
-I stared at the display in front of me (but I'm far-sighted, and without glasses, so that was making me dizzy)
-I stared at the calories burned counter going up as I ran. I tried to use it as motivation to push harder, make it a game.
-I tried so hard to NOT look at the screen that I kept sneaking glances.
-I tried to use my frustration, disgust, fear and sadness evoked by the show to push harder.
-Eventually, I just ran with my hand towel over my head, draped enough over my eyes to block out te TV ahead & overhead, but still show part of the treadmill display. I took it off a few times to try to breathe easier and cool off.
Long story short, I picked a location that didn't work, and the heart rate monitor didn't work, and I got started too late for my liking, and I've never before run successfully on the treadmill-- BUT I DID IT. I finished my 10k training (8 min run/5 min walk-repeat), did a cool down, then did a bunch more walking with an energizing song that made me run for another 45 seconds and need another cool down. ;)
I really wanted to get a few more fitness minutes in, and do my normal gym game of burning at least as many calories as my start weight, so I went to another machine, closer to the TV wall so I couldn't see them. I was 90 seconds in when I accidentally looked up and a *different* channel/show had a child in a body cast with dark shadowy holes cut out for his eyes and lips. It was too much so I left.
I forgot to stretch, and started crying before I was able to get to my car. I cried more in the car, reassured myself out loud that it will all be okay. Part of my catharsis to get all of it out of my system is typing this out on my phone.
Working out everyday this week so far-DONE
Running on treadmill successfully-DONE
Now I have to grab some supplies at Target if they're still open and try to get to bed. I need sleep because CrossFit is tomorrow!!