Wednesday, December 05, 2012
I have not gotten out into the woods nearly enough lately. In fact today was the first time I had been in the woods in something like nearly 3 weeks. EGADS!!! No wonder things have been tough lately. I gave up the one thing that is best at helping to keep me centered and grounded. Needless to say the situation needed to be rectified PRONTO so I left work an hour early and headed to the woods for an hour and a half before heading to therapy. the birds were talking to me today and I haven't looked up what all of them mean just yet. I know that the blue heron I saw today signifies self reliance. Have to look up brown thrasher or chickadee (not sure which), hawk, mallard ducks and geese. It is also not lost upon me that several of the birds are water birds. I didn't hike like I normally would and instead walked about 15 mins into the woods and then sat on a rock by the river for the next hour and a half.
When I was walking out of the woods I had the epiphany that recovery is very much like that children's book "going on a bear hunt". you can't go over it, can't go under it, can't go around it.....you gotta go through it. I think lately I have been trying everything other than actually going THROUGH recovery. Don't get me wrong....I've still got my abstinent streak going but I've been very close to giving up these last few days. Honestly if it weren't for my coach/sponsor I would have thrown my recovery away last night. The downside to the being abstinent thing is that I'm now starting to have all the things that I used my eating disorder to numb me from come up. I will not go into all of that except to say that it involves significant trauma and as a result I've been having flashbacks and memories that don't make sense. I HAVE to trust that if I keep moving forward that these memories and flashbacks will lose some of their power. I just feel really raw right now.
I'm really struggling with my body right now but that could also be because of the stuff that is coming up and it's easier to get sidetracked with body hatred than to confront these demons. I also know that my body is up about 3-5 lbs right now and it's just enough to make me highly uncomfortable in most of my pants/work clothes.
I have also started working a 12 step program (eating disorders annonymous) to help facilitate my recovery. I'm still very skeptical of the whole thing but am trying to trust my coach when she says that she things it will be a great thing for me. it's a really big step and I'm still not sure what I think of it. I'm doing my best to be as rigorously honest as possible. I do know that the program can't work for me if I'm not honest and that's one thing I am....honest.
I am done with school until January and just got my grade back. I'm disappointed because I didn't do as well as I wanted to....BUT I did get the minimum grade that I needed to for my program. I'm not sure that it will be good enough to get me into nursing school, but at least that dream is still a possibility.
so......going to keep plugging away at my recovery and hope that something clicks for me.