Wednesday, December 05, 2012
I've been a bad Spark friend, I pretty much "checked" out of Spark...I check in every now and then but not really. I've been having difficulty with my emotional state for a few months now. I am pleased to say that I did finish the 5K Mud Run on Oct 6th but for some reason after that I just gave up! I gave up on myself for the most part, maybe I figured I accomplished something so I didn't need to work for anything else but obviously that is just a stepping stone on my journey. I feel lost and confused...I was confused all year long when I was actively exercising and eating within my caloric range and my weight would not budge so I would turn to my friend "food" for comfort and let myself down the dark path of overeating.
I decided to make a Dr appt. with my primary doctor to just talk about everything since I am just tired all the time and some other stuff as well, some back pain and such. Anyways I had such a great chat with my doctor - he sent me for basic labs to check my thyroid and all my lipid tests, more on that in a moment. During our conversation he just asked me to tell him how I have been feeling...ultimately he feels like I am having a hard time adjusting to motherhood even now over a year now of being a mother and that I am probably depressed and he was very adamant that I need to talk to their depression counselor to talk about it more and he is against just giving meds for that stuff unless it's clear I have a chemical imbalance which is fine with me b/c I don't want to take meds...I want to fix my problem. I want to feel better, I don't want to dread going home b/c of all the stuff I have to do...I feel like I'm just trudging along and waiting for something good to happen...but wait I already have something good...my beautiful family, my health, and a spirit that is sparked but it's just hidden for right now...it just needs some encouragement to break free again!
My lipid panel came back great - no concerns at all so that is good, at least I still have some healthy habits that are sticking around, I am Vitamin D deficient - probably along with everyone else in the country so I have to take 2-3K iu per day. No problem with my thyroid per the test...so I can't blame that....it's just me...but again it could be worse right?! Yes it could and that is what snaps be back into reality is that I really have nothing to complain about but I'm just getting this stuff off my chest and hopefully I can start healing and figuring out my path again and stop living in 2010 when I was so successful with my weight loss and start over.
So here I am...looking forward to the holidays and at the same time I want to sleep through them, I feel so vulnerable at this moment but maybe I need to feel that way to build up my strength little by little. I know for one I need to stop comparing myself to others, that will get me nowhere very fast! I also need to stop and smell the roses and stop rushing through the days b/c now all I notice now is how big my boy is now...where did the baby days go? I'm sure every parent says this but I feel pain from it and I feel guilty but I know he is happy and healthy and growing everyday...I just feel bad for myself that those days are gone but I can't stop time so why am I feeling like this? I dunno...now I am just thinking out loud...guess I will stop this blog for now and just keep on my re-awakening period...I know my spirit is there...she's ready to burst through!!!