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    ATROTTIER   31,740
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Struggling...trying to find my spark again...

Wednesday, December 05, 2012

I've been a bad Spark friend, I pretty much "checked" out of Spark...I check in every now and then but not really. I've been having difficulty with my emotional state for a few months now. I am pleased to say that I did finish the 5K Mud Run on Oct 6th but for some reason after that I just gave up! I gave up on myself for the most part, maybe I figured I accomplished something so I didn't need to work for anything else but obviously that is just a stepping stone on my journey. I feel lost and confused...I was confused all year long when I was actively exercising and eating within my caloric range and my weight would not budge so I would turn to my friend "food" for comfort and let myself down the dark path of overeating.

I decided to make a Dr appt. with my primary doctor to just talk about everything since I am just tired all the time and some other stuff as well, some back pain and such. Anyways I had such a great chat with my doctor - he sent me for basic labs to check my thyroid and all my lipid tests, more on that in a moment. During our conversation he just asked me to tell him how I have been feeling...ultimately he feels like I am having a hard time adjusting to motherhood even now over a year now of being a mother and that I am probably depressed and he was very adamant that I need to talk to their depression counselor to talk about it more and he is against just giving meds for that stuff unless it's clear I have a chemical imbalance which is fine with me b/c I don't want to take meds...I want to fix my problem. I want to feel better, I don't want to dread going home b/c of all the stuff I have to do...I feel like I'm just trudging along and waiting for something good to happen...but wait I already have something good...my beautiful family, my health, and a spirit that is sparked but it's just hidden for right now...it just needs some encouragement to break free again!

My lipid panel came back great - no concerns at all so that is good, at least I still have some healthy habits that are sticking around, I am Vitamin D deficient - probably along with everyone else in the country so I have to take 2-3K iu per day. No problem with my thyroid per the test...so I can't blame that....it's just me...but again it could be worse right?! Yes it could and that is what snaps be back into reality is that I really have nothing to complain about but I'm just getting this stuff off my chest and hopefully I can start healing and figuring out my path again and stop living in 2010 when I was so successful with my weight loss and start over.

So here I am...looking forward to the holidays and at the same time I want to sleep through them, I feel so vulnerable at this moment but maybe I need to feel that way to build up my strength little by little. I know for one I need to stop comparing myself to others, that will get me nowhere very fast! I also need to stop and smell the roses and stop rushing through the days b/c now all I notice now is how big my boy is now...where did the baby days go? I'm sure every parent says this but I feel pain from it and I feel guilty but I know he is happy and healthy and growing everyday...I just feel bad for myself that those days are gone but I can't stop time so why am I feeling like this? I dunno...now I am just thinking out loud...guess I will stop this blog for now and just keep on my re-awakening period...I know my spirit is there...she's ready to burst through!!!
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANNIEONLI 12/30/2012 6:15PM

    Hey there!
Just came around to say "Hey there" from the Spark Veterans team...and then I read your page and saw the BEAUTIFUL family pics with the little guy.. and then I read this blog and boy oh boy, sometimes, the universe brings people around for a reason!

When you are finally ready (and you will know) Spark is here and so is the community to help you along. Sometimes, all you need is ... time! You will come out of the cocoon and you will fly once again, but while you are "waiting for that time" - start with those babysteps Spark talks about because something is always better than nothing. Then expand upon that.

Noone says you have to do everything all at once to feel good again, but doing little things will make you feel better - hair, makeup, getting dressed, making the bed in YOUR OWN ROOM (go ahead and laugh, the kids always come first right?) - heck, even washing your own face at night! All these tiny things are things just for you, and no matter how small they seem to others, well, it can mean the difference to you on the inside and how you see yourself in the world!

Balance will come in time with all the changes going on. Have faith.

Looking forward to seeing you active here in 2013!

Smiles,
Annie

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KITTYKITTEMMING 12/9/2012 5:55PM

    I totally hear you on struggling after baby. While I didn't struggle emotionally, I sure struggled with my weight loss. I gained and lost the same five pounds week after week after week for a year. I also went to my doctor who checked all my numbers, They were fine. The problem with me was that I was trying to be SuperMom. I was working full time, trying to keep my house spotless, having moved just after Logan was born and with two little kids in the house. I was also trying to keep my lawn meticulous, cook a home cooked multi-course meal every night for Hubby and I... I finally came to the conclusion that it wasn't working for me. I missed just being a mom and spending time with my kids. When I gave up trying to be SuperMom and started focusing on a few things (Hubby, children, and me) I started losing weight again. Sadly, my house tends to be somewhat of a disaster area. :(

Moral of the story: Remember you are only human; take care of yourself.

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RUNNER12COM 12/7/2012 11:11AM

    Asking for help is the best thing you can do. And good luck to you!

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KITT52 12/5/2012 7:39PM

    talking with a councilor might help get your feeling out.....

good luck

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FORBANDE 12/5/2012 6:27PM

    *really big hugs* Oh Andra, I could have written this blog. A few times.

You are doing the best thing in seeing your doctor. He is awesome to suggest the counseling and not jump to meds. From experience, motherhood is a huge adjustment. And personally I think being a working mom is very, very hard. It is like having two full-time jobs. Even with the most helpful of partners, we are still the ones that typically do the meals, shopping and laundry. Plus I think babies sometimes prefer to be taken care of by their Moms. My boys did and especially when they were sick or teething or growing. They wanted Mom all the time. And as a Mom, I was there all the time. It's a lot. That's for sure.

I am also Vitamin D deficient and did find that my energy improved a bit with the supplement. Hopefully you have that same result.

Just remember to ease back into things. Don't be overwhelmed or feel guilty or be hard on yourself. You should be proud of all you have accomplished and give yourself a very big hug for being human and doing everything you can.

You are amazing and will get back to it. No worries. :)


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