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Moving MIL back home, what to do

Wednesday, December 05, 2012

We have a lot of angst about this. My MIL is in total control of her mental faculties and she knows what is going on and absolutely hates being at the nursing home. However, her body is failing and therein lies the problem. She wants to come home and honestlly, we would have her home except for the nursing care that she would need. I don't mind helping her but I will not lift her and I'm not going to give her a bath if she can't get into the tub. I am not a nurse and I have my own back issues.
In additon, they had told us she can't be left alone and so, I am still busy with my work and My husband works also. Our schedules are hectic, they change every day so its not like we can plan things too much in advance. I explained to her that we would have to hire nursing help and all of the above. And she is not happy with the answer.
My husband and I are talking about it and will probably look into hiring someone to come in and help. It is just such a worry for us. She needs the care they provide but mentally it is killing her. And us too. What to do.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JIBBIE49 12/15/2012 9:30AM

    I worked as a nurse in a nursing home, and I can tell you that this is HER way of controling the family. Oh, I saw this over and over. YOU will be the one worn out if you give in and bring her back, trust me. Being in the nursing home is difficult for everyone, but when the person has health issues, it is certainly the best place to be. LOTS of the people who were in the nursing home were upbeat and happy, because they made the best of where they were. Your MIL needs to have time to adjust. I worked as a NIGHT nurse, so I know how much of the night time old people can need attention. They sleep during the day when YOU are working, and then they are up at night wanting attention. So, being in the nursing home, WE took care of that. Don't let this wear you out.

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EBURGITE 12/6/2012 1:59PM

    hugs and prayers. i know it's so hard to make a decision where you're sorta choosing what will make someone you love, or YOU, unhappy. hang in there.

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KASEYCOFF 12/6/2012 3:43AM

    In two different cases in our family - one in which the person was like your mother-in-law, in control of her mental faculties but failing physically, the other in which the person was in her 80s but terminally ill - we were able to use hospice. As one of the other commenters pointed out, they aren't as limited as they used to be, and they don't work only with end-stage patients. They don't necessarily have to be engaged full-time, either: they can work with you to find a schedule that fits both your lives and your mother-in-law's. They could take care of baths, for example, and you could arrange your appointments around when someone would be available to 'sit' with her so she's not on her own.

I like Jeannie's idea about checking with your church. When I lived in PA I worked with a local association who set up 'companions' for elderly people wanting to stay at home. They were usually frail, but together mentally, so I didn't do any kind of nursing work (my kids'd be the first to tell you I'm not a very good nurse, lol), just kept them company while their children or in one case grandchildren went out for a few hours. We played board games and talked and watched TV and just sort of visited - I enjoyed it, and I think they did, too.

As for hiring someone - well, it doesn't have to be top-qualified RNs for 24/7 care. Fortunately, she's not that ill, and your business is more flexible than 9-to-5 type office work, and your husband has a bit of flexibility (he's still part-time at the funeral home, right?) so while it's complicated, it might be doable.

Are your sons / daughters-in-law in the area? Not for nursing assistance, but to help fill in any time spans to keep her company and make sure she's not left alone with no way to summon help if needed?

It isn't easy, but where there's a will, there's a way. You're all in my thoughts and prayers, hon. Whichever way it works out, I'm sure it will be for the best, for you and for her.
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CMRAND54 12/5/2012 9:15PM

    It's always a dilemma. My Dad lived with my sister for years, but it got to where he couldn't be alone all day, and my sister and her husband both worked. They tried home health care, but couldn't find anyone who was satisfactory. Finally my Dad went to a nursing home. He was unhappy at first, but is now getting along just fine. (I live too far away to be of much help, so the burden fell on my sister.) My Dad is 98, almost 99. He's pretty healthy, but needs a full time catheter and that requires nursing care. My Father-in-Law is also elderly and confused. Where he lives he was able to find reliable home care. It's expensive, but it's working out. I hope you can work things out for all concerned.

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LKWQUILTER 12/5/2012 9:11PM

    Carol, this is one time you have to do what has to be done--even if it means she has to stay in the nursing one. We had to do this with mama when she needed the medical care that we couldn't give her at home. Sending good vibes your way that things will work out. (((HUGS)))

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ANDI571 12/5/2012 7:05PM

    I know your MIL doesn't want to be in the nursing home, but unfortunately she just doesn't realize what it means being home with you. Sometimes we want something that just can't be done unless you can hire someone to come in and help. But again they aren't there 24/7. A nursing home is equipped with 24/7 staff. I know I have told you before, my daughter is a PTA in a nursing home, and she loves her patients. It's not perfect at either place I am afriad. Good luck on your decision. And always remember, Guilt is a wasted emotion.

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GINNABOOTS 12/5/2012 6:56PM

    My heart goes out to you & your family. We are dealing with the same problem with my dad. He is in a nursing home right now & wants to come home so bad. He weighs 300 lbs & is solid. We just can't lift him & he needs 24 hour care. He too has all of his mental faculties & hates being there. My mother is in the advanced stages of Alzheimer's & still at home. So it it very difficult to see our loved ones suffer the effects of aging.


My dad qualified for Hospice when he was at home, you may want to check into that. Hospice isn't what it used to be, it doesn't mean that a person is at the end of his/her life. They can come in now when a person is sick with congestive heart failure, Alzheimer's, etc.

I am so sorry that you & your family are struggling with this, I wish you all the best and hope you come to a decision that will be what is best for your MIL and family. I know how conflicting it can be. It tugs at your heart.

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LJCANNON 12/5/2012 6:06PM

    emoticon I wish I were close enough to help!! That is exactly My Kind of Job!! Maybe check with your Church to see if there is someone like me who could help out, but would not be as expensive as an Agency?

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