Wednesday, December 05, 2012
I'm still feeling pretty overwhelmed and behind on life, but I'm trying to keep making as many good decisions as I can.
The past week was pretty good. I travelled with my family to San Francisco for a race and I had an awesome time even though it was rainy, windy, and ridiculously muddy (not weather I'd normally choose to run in!). The bad news is that I was undertrained for the difficulty of the course and ended up dropping from the race mainly just because my legs were totally wiped out and I was cramping and could barely walk. The good news is that I still had fun, met up with some of my friends who also travelled to the race, and my foot held up for a lot longer than I'd expected. Although I can tell my foot is still healing, I know it's pretty far along in getting back to normal, which is great.
I feel a bit down because Sunday and Monday after the race were really bad binge days for me. I was anxious about all the things that I'd put aside while I was all excited preparing for the weekend trip...suddenly I felt really stressed out. I guess that is not unusual for coming back from a vacation and getting back to real life. Tuesday was good, but then this morning I binged again, when today is my day off work so that I can spend time on research. And what did I spend this morning doing instead? Bingeing. Sigh. Anyway I think I just needed to vent because I feel sad and disappointed in myself for that. I'll continue my exercise of staying positive.
+ I let myself sleep in this morning since I did not sleep well last night (kept waking up feeling stressed about my lack of progress with research the past 1.5 weeks or so).
+ I texted my recovery buddy.
+ I'm back here making an effort to process my feelings rather than just trying to ignore them, which often sets me up for more failure later.
+ "You've messed up so much recently, and really badly. These weren't minor binges - these were full-out, extremely high volume, high density binges to the point of pain. You'll never make progress like this. The rest of today is shot. You might as well just give up for today". Positive: Sunday, Monday, and today were binge days. You did well yesterday. You did well from Tuesday through Saturday last week. Try not to let the bad feelings from these recent failures make you forget that it really hasn't been bad like this consistently, even though it feels like it.
+ Pep talk/positive thoughts to myself since it's harder to say "I" than it is to pretend like I'm talking to a friend: You can still turn this around before the end of the day, as difficult as that often is. It's not even 1pm yet. You still have a good few hours to work on research, then go to yoga, and you don't have to binge again to make it worse. This is an opportunity to practice doing the next right thing. The more you practice picking yourself up faster, the better you'll get at it.