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My mind is a blank!!!

Wednesday, December 05, 2012

I feel like I need to keep track of where I am here for my own sanity so I can look back at the 'progress' and I can't even think of where to start. That tells me it's been too long since I checked in!!

I finished my Ultimate Yogi quest 2 weeks ago today! Wow now that I write that, it feels like longer. I have not really done a lick of yoga since. oopsie! I really enjoy the structure of a program and have been going back and forth over what to do next. But that ties into my habits and my foibles....

On my mental health front, last week I started a medication for ADHD. I'm really struggling to come to terms with this diagnosis and if it's really accurate. On the surface, I do see that I meet many of the criteria (procrastination, lack of focus, high energy, chronic lateness, etc) but it still doesn't fit with the image I have of myself. My mother always used to say that medicine is an art and not strictly a science. I do want to talk with the doctor next time about the many questions I have - she wanted me to check in a week after I started this med, but of course there weren't any appointments, I'm on the cancellation list but my next visit with her is not til next week.

I DO want to remember the frustration I experienced at the pharmacy. Seethe. Apparently what I got is a controlled substance. Whoa. And now there are new(er?) laws in place to monitor pharmacies and there are limits on how much of these meds they can order to curtail drug seekers. Um, ok. So the first place I went to was OUT. They called 2 more places (after I begged) and I ran over to the place that still had some left. Then I got subjected to a HUMILIATING 3rd degree by the pharmacist. Mercifully there were no other customers there. So I get it's TOTALLY correct that she should ask me for what diagnosis I am taking the medication. She wanted to know what else I was being treated for, what other meds I was taking. But what on the surface might have been a "let's make sure you are not taking anything else that will interact in a negative way with this drug, and that you're not a drug abuser..." became more about part 2 than part 1.
Pharm "What's your diagnosis".
Me Um. ADHD.
Pharm "Did you ask the doctor to diagnose you with that?"
Me Brain " Are you EXPLETIVE kidding me?". Mouth "um. no." fell hot shame creeping up.
Pharm "Here's how much the copay is. See?"
50.00 (wow!) "Do you still want it? Because, you know, this is a medication for children. That's probably why it costs so much. Because this is a child's diagnosis, and adults can control their behavior"

Me (fill in blank here....long silence.....stare at the paper and look at her) And I am supposed to say what here? OHHHHH, right, No, Kind Lady, I am absolutely an adult over 40 years old, and I CANNOT CONTROL MY BEHAVIOR, Would you perhaps like to know about my eating disorder or any other embarrassing personal information that might be required in order to fill the prescription that my doctor has given me to help me get healthier or???
What I said....."UM, yes?"
Pharm "So you see how much it is, you want me to fill it"
Me "Are you saying that if I were a child, the copay might be lower, OR that I should call my insurance company and ask them? Can you please fill it?"
Pharm "Oh, yeah, maybe if it's for your CHILD but you should ask them. I just wanted to be sure"

THEN when I paid, I got the quiz about what else I was taking and for what diagnosis. And you think you should ask me that before you dispense the medication if you have some concerns about the drug interaction? I understand if the laws are such that the pharmacist feels she must be careful but can we find another way to express our concerns that does not imply judgment of my diagnosis in a way that implies that I'm weak or otherwise unable to 'control' myself? Cause part of my illness is THAT I'M TRYING TO CONTROL EVERYTHING and I CAN'T.
So thanks lady, that was really, really fun.

I haven't even told my husband all the details of what I am doing in therapy. Because it is embarrassing! I feel GUILTY and ASHAMED. I talked to my dad on Saturday, and I told him - there are things I am talking about in therapy that I have not been able to be honest about with you nor hubby nor brother, and I am not able to share that with you right now. He that is great. Anyway...I feel better about it now. And I do really understand that she was trying to do her job. She just did not do it well.

I am nagged by doubt that this diagnosis is not correct and yet there are so many reasons that I believe that it is. So when I go back to the psychiatrist next week, I will address those concerns with her. Plus tattle on that stupid pharmacist b/c it will make me feel better but accomplish nothing else. At least I can talk to her about my concerns and ask her to explain to me what other factors help her diagnose me so that I can understand better. I had to fill out a self-report, which she also asked that my husband fill out, plus of course she has talked to me. so I know she is a doctor but I just need it spelled out more emoticon

I have a bias. Many years ago, my first 'grown up' job was teaching. I only stayed in the field for 3 years. Long story but I never felt comfortable with what I was doing and that I was pretending and ineffective...story for another time. It seems to me that it was the time of the initial burst of popularity/commonality of the ADD & ADHD diagnosis. I had many many students on Ritalin. Frankly, after interacting with the kids and parents, it felt as though many parents had difficult situations with pre-teen kids (this was middle school) and that many of the children were 'diagnosed' and medicated and in fact they were just being kids. I did have many students who truly did seem to have these issues and benefited from the treatments, but it seemed like it was a popular thing at the time, and just too many people 'had it'. I just got to feel like for some people it was an easy out, and not the right diagnosis. And by no means do I intend to imply that it's not a real diagnosis or that the treatments are incorrect or that I was passing judgment on the parents. I'm not a parent, and I know it is a very hard, albeit rewarding, road, but I'll never assume I know what it is truly like.

Now I'm really off track but getting this out, whew, what a relief.

So fast foward to me now - I have trouble understanding how a stimulant is an effective treatment for someone who fidgets incessantly and has 7000 thoughts competing for attention, and has the attention span of a gnat. The doctor explained if this is the right diagnosis, I will have immediate benefit and that I will not get 'hyper' but rather find that my thoughts are calmer. She said it will help my brain put the brakes on. So the first day - AMAZING! Wonderful! Each subsequent day....less so. I don't know if it's b/c work is truly awful right now or if it's not working, need different dose, not right diagnosis, etc. Will have to wait and see.

I am concerned as with my therapy the progress felt rapid at first and also feels that it has slowed to a crawl. While I'm not currently having anything to drink really, which sets off my binging a lot, my binging is hugely better, and no purging for over a month (so long ago, I'm not even sure and I DON'T want to try to remember when), I am swapping out other behaviors for those things.
I'm still having some night time binging, still struggling with how my body feels and not trying to judge it nor let myself go exercise crazy in order to 'end around' not eating, not restrict my eating, etc. And what I find is - I am binging a bit from time to time, not to the degree of in the past, but I'm also shopping and buying lots of stuff I don't need. That is not healthy. Buying things does not 'fix' me and adds to my clutter. I have an appointment tomorrow and has been 2 weeks since I saw my therapist so of course will be talking with her. I have told both docs that at this point, I feel like my progress has stalled out - I'm not getting anything done at home, AT ALL. I am getting some things done at work, some days are better than others - but I feel less that I will do something inappropriate. Just need to get more done. Situation is not in my control and I know that, but it's very hard to feel good about it and feel effective when we're so behind.

What else?
Part of my buying binge was during the Black Friday - Cyber Monday sales. I love love having a 'system' of exercise and a calendar, and someone telling me DO THIS FOR A MONTH! or however long. I had no idea what to do next after Ultimate Yogi 108. I am off INSANITY for a while, I didn't really care for Asylum (so I'm not going to get Asylum 2 until I hear more), didn't care much for P90X2. I'm afraid of 'Body Beast' - but I need to be doing some weight work cause I don't want to lose my PULL UP ARMS! I can only do about 1 or 2 now, but I don't want to judge myself. I am a tad bored w/just P90X, so I don't want to go back to it. So I ordered a bunch of stuff, and now I don't know what to do. Since I finished UY, I have just done random exercise dvds and elliptical. Running was not feeling good and felt like my calf/achilles issues were just hanging on so decided to table that for a while until I feel strong enough to take another try.
I ordered..... Rush Fit, Buti Fitness 3 dvd set, Turbo Fire, pre-ordered Les Mills COMBAT, and a pack of Cathe Friedrich's 'Shock Cardio' workouts. And I bought a STEP at a used sporting goods store. emoticon
Obviously people here don't know 'me' and what a super klutz I am. So the thought of the step is hilarious. I can't do 'dancy' choreographed exercises, but I figured if I push myself out of my comfort zone, it's good for my body and my brain.
I also bought the Tracy Anderson Metamorphosis set for "Omni" body type. I did that a few times before my last buying binge. So that's a lotta stuff!
My husband wanted the DDP/Yoga for 'Real Guys' set - and I got him that about a month ago. He's not started.
I'm vaguely toying with the idea of doing Rush Fit, concurrent with whatever yoga he does, but he's not very reliable that way and I'd probably have to just integrate whatever other yoga I want to do on my own. So now that it's been 2 weeks, I think that's enough unstructured time - and I'm ready to commit to something else again. I did one of the Turbo Fire workouts, and that was hard for me too, b/c of the dancy-part. So might rotate that in. dunno. Combat - I think I will do a group challenge by my BB coach which is not until mid-February next year. So lots of new fun things to try on my exercise front to keep me busy and active. I'm just trying not to go overboard and not to 'punish' myself with more exercise to make up for what I am eating.

Whew. That's a lot of stuff to get out. I know it's rambling and all over the place. I'm trying to reign things in slowly but surely without judging myself. Some days are better than others.

Any of my sparky friends or folks that have just happened to stumble on this blog and made it this far, thanks for reading my self-chat and therapy emoticon
Sometimes, I read things that other people have written and feel like I need to leave a comment - to let them know they have been heard, even if they don't know me, but I just want to give a pat on the back and encourage. And sometimes I just don't have a clue what to say! I don't want anyone to feel guilty for walking away if you read this and go 'UGH, I'm going to pretend I didn't'.....or 'holy crap, I can't even skim this hot mess of a blog' AND THAT IS PERFECTLY OK!! It definitely helps me - and maybe there is a tiny little snippet here that will help someone else. Maybe not.

I know I'm all over the place right now - so maybe that's evidence of the validity of my diagnosis, eh? - or perhaps just the self-indulgent musings of a person who's just trying to find her way through the current maze...

a bientot!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Don't ever feel embarrassed or ashamed.

    emoticon stay strong.
    1927 days ago
    Wow! Some people are SO rude! If given a choice I wouldn't return to that lame pharmacy. Who needs that?

    Keep up the good blogging. That's what it is about...An outlet! Besides...At least here you can tell when people are listening.

    1928 days ago
    Well, if that is what a blank mind comes up with, I don't know what a busy mind is like!
    It's good to hear from you again, I like to know what you're up to. Every time I see you have posted a blog I come straight over for a visit.
    You have a lot to deal with. I really get how hard it is to accept a diagnosis you don't like. You have expressed those feelings we all have so well. And what is with the guilt and shame? I am beginning to think it is atavistic. Like the way an animal won't show pain or weakness, because that puts them at risk of being singled out from the herd, which is truly dangerous. I see it in my cats and especially in my chickens.
    What can I say dear Cubbymamma? Keep going to the doctor, see your therapist, find another pharmacist, take your meds, do the work, see how it goes. If it is the wrong diagnosis, going with the process will help you to the right one.
    And no need to share your therapy with anyone, even the people close to you, unless it will be part of your healing process to do that.
    Life is being hard on you right now, no need to be hard on yourself.
    FlyLady says December is pamper month. How about two weeks of home spa treatments to help you through your tough time?
    1928 days ago

    Comment edited on: 12/5/2012 10:50:18 AM
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