Frustration and realization
Wednesday, December 05, 2012
I seem to write a lot of these blogs and I know I need to be more patient with my body and understand that I have a slow thyroid, that even though I'm not diabetic, I seem to have some insulin sensitivity (which is why I do better with weight loss when I go low carb) and all in all I need to make changes I can live with and sometimes I just don't want to have to give things up. And if that is the case, then I have to be patient. I mean, 40 pounds in a year isn't too bad. No, it isn't the 55 pounds I once lost in a short 5 months, but I also gained that weight back. So this time, losing it slowly is going to be better because I will be more likely to keep it off. Right?
The problem is that I have a time frame I need to do this in. I don't want to be a fat bride. I don't want to look at my wedding pictures and hate myself. But I also see a big problem here. I need to change my attitude about myself. I need to realize how far I've come. Not how far I still have to go. I'm just not seeing it. I'm not accepting myself as I am. It's just too hard. I have years and years of being teased and tortured working against me. I have years and years of being told I would be so pretty if I just lost weight. I have so much working against me and I just don't know how to let it go. I also have the idea in my head that my fat is my armor. I know things are different now. I'm with an amazing guy who loves me and I'm older and wiser, but there were so many bad things that happened to me the last time I lost weight. I want to reach my goal, but I think there is a part of me that is afraid to. Being thin and pretty and confident brought me a lot of unwanted attention and I guess I just don't want to go back there. It led me into this cycle of depression and weight gain in the first place. There is some mental block in me that every time I start to have some real success, I then start to sabotage again. I'm not really sure at this point what will help me move past it. I've been through therapy and the emotional eating groups and even an eating disorders clinic, but it just hasn't fully clicked. There's still something in the way, obviously since I am still repeating this cycle of losing a little, gaining a little, losing a little more, gaining a little and ultimately getting there slowly, but I could be doing so much better. Yes, I have some real reasons that I mentioned before. But if I took away all the excuses, there is a real problem at the heart of it. I have been told you have to accept yourself before you can change yourself. But not one person has told me HOW to accept myself. And I think that is my ultimate problem. Yes, I will continue to lose weight slowly, and maybe not always surely, and in a very frustrating way, but it could be much more slow and steady and a positive experience. It's all about attitude and I need to change it. Just gotta figure out how......