Tuesday, December 04, 2012
Two nights is quite enough for me before I'm at the doctor with the first appointment of the morning. Since early November it has started to creep in here and there in my sleep, maybe one or two waves here and there. First one day a week, then two; but it didn't interfere with my sleep and it went away and left me alone. It's a pretty big trigger for my current tiny set back, but the fact that it happened is really annoying. This time is made me sick and the idea of sleeping was terrifying. Why do my panic attacks only happen in my sleep and why do they make me so physically ill? Does anyone else go through this? Sometimes I'm dreaming when it starts and I can actually feel the faucet of panic turn on and I try to will it closed and I can't; the wave just wells up and wakes me up and remains this tiny little gnawing feeling in my chest, ready to open again. I have these 15 minute cycles it seems before the next wave hits and I try to sleep, maybe I'll miss it, maybe it won't come, maybe it will just stop forever. Then it hits and I'm fully awake again in a cold sweat trying to relax and get a grip. Trying to make sense of what my body is doing when I see no reason for it. This is really like having allergies. So today I got my medicine, and it's already working.
My doctor said it is way too premature to start talking about going back on a long term drug when we are 3 weeks away from the holidays, my parents are out of the country, I have 2 older cats with health problems, grad school 4 nights a week, a new job, and a brother to help through his own work week while taking care of my apartment and my parent house. Yeah, I just need a bit of help for the next 3 weeks. I'm not going back on long term zombie medicine when I'm just having an awful reaction to a lot of stress. I got help and you can bet that not just after my parents get home but after class is over and work is over I'll be sleeping like a rock again. I was having a pretty great run of sleeping well.
I know, we can trace the beginning of the panic appearance in my sleep log right around Sandy, which is when the working out stopped. There were mentions here and there but they increased in frequency and came to head these past 2 days. I think I'm going to snuggle with my kittie for a bit before really going to bed. Took my bed time medicine and I feel okay.