Tuesday, December 04, 2012
Today a pretty obvious theme of my adult life was pointed out to me - obvious yet I seem to be oblivious. I look for validation for almost every decision I make and I look for it in other people. My most frequent source of advice is my mother - she is a wise woman with her head on straight, her heart right with God, and enough common sense - well, I just wouldn't ask anyone else. I also have a handful of friends that I can count on for excellent advice - knowing they won't lie to me and in fact will set me straight if I need it.
Yet, I'm not just looking for advice - I'm looking for them to validate my own decisions. I said to my friend today, "I don't have my own set of standards". It's an interesting thought - what are my own standards? what is my level of excellence I strive for? do I even know?
I am constantly and consistently searching and striving to meet the standards of others. To please them. I worry about disappointing them, appearing weak, making a "dumb" decision. It can be what I'm wearing, where I'm going, even how I'm feeling. If I am afraid, anxious, nervous, happy, excited, etc - I even look to find validation for those feelings in other too. Explaining my reasons why I feel like I do and looking for them to nod in acceptance.
I was raised to be self-confident and I think I have good self-esteem. So what am I looking for? Why am I searching for it in others? I think this is potentially yet another consequence of being lonely - living alone is hard. There's no one here to discuss the daily deals that go on so when a decision has to be made or anything feels out of the normal - I look for someone to guide me along but also validate me.
This all came about this afternoon - I'm struggling with some kind of stomach bug or maybe something I ate that's just not sitting well. Been having pain, bloating, and indigestion for about 24 hours now. Very frustrating because I'm waiting to see if this will just pass or if it's truly a stomach bug that could get worse before it gets better. I had to decide whether to go to school - I talked to my Mom, I talked to a friend - I then realized I had no idea what I wanted. What would be best for me? Did I know? Did I even bother to care? I was worried about what others would think. In hindsight, I'm glad I stayed home. I knew this wasn't just a nervous belly - my stomach is hurting something fierce and clearly I'm not 100% right now - I need to be home, quiet, and taking care of myself. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be much much better!
Luckily I am off tomorrow so I have another day to rest at home before I work Thurs and Friday and then clinicals Saturday. Thank goodness this semester is winding down because I desperately need a break!!! I'm overdoing it - working in one ER, clinicals in another ER, school work, and then general life - it's too much. I want this NP degree and I will get it - but it's taking a real toll on me - body, mind, spirit, soul.
Looks like I need to decide my own standards, my own level of expertise I strive for - and really I need to not care so much whether or not I meet the standards of those around me. If it's right in my heart, it's right for me!