Tuesday, December 04, 2012
Haven't been here in a while. My last post said that I had hurt my back. Well, it still isn't better, and frustration over me hurting my back every few months and it hurting for several months before getting better for a couple of months SINCE I WAS THIRTEEN led me to find out I may have something called ankylosing spondylitis which is basically arthritis of the spine and leads to inflammation and the eventual fusion of your spine.
I've been really, really depressed about this, so I'm working on trying to get insurance so that I can go to a doctor and get a diagnosis and some prescription strength anti-inflammatory medicine.
Whatever my pain is caused by, it makes it really, really difficult to exercise and sticking to a diet is hard when I'm so depressed and defeated that I can barely move. I've regained a good majority of the weight I lost a few months ago, and I feel so frustrated over it. I ended up cooking Thanksgiving dinner for ~10 people by myself, hurting every minute. I had three cakes to make for three different dinners, all while juggling two toddlers and my elderly father and barely being able to stand up without tears in my eyes.
It hurts to live right now and that's so so so frustrating. It absolutely breaks my heart that I can't pick up these girls and play with them. I can't dance around while holding my daughter. I can't do any of these things. All I want is to feel good, to exercise, to be in shape and to lose weight.
Yesterday I pushed myself and did yoga, and spent most of the 30 minutes of yoga with tears streaming down my face but after that I felt good enough to do 30 minutes of cardio. But right now, I'm hurting, and there are two hungry babies at my feet crying, and I can barely stand to stand up and walk to fix them some oatmeal. I'm so frustrated I'm crying, the exercise is supposed to help the condition that I'm-not-sure-i-have-but-all-si
gns-point-to-yes, but right now I'm just sitting here in agony, feeling absolutely miserable and defeated.
I just want to feel better. I want to finish what I started months ago, and I feel absolutely like I can't. You hear people talk about how they can't play with their kids because they're overweight and unhealthy, I eat healthy and I want to exercise so i can play with my kids and I still. Can't. The willpower is there, but the physical ability right now is not.