Tuesday, December 04, 2012
I've been writing my final paper for my sociology class, (on the handicapped and disabled in society, if anyone's interested) and I started thinking some very heavy thoughts that don't usually pop into my head. And the more I think about it, the more sleepless I feel, so I want to get it off my chest somehow.
My mom is a teacher, she's interested in exactly the same thing that I am: working with children and young adults. The other night she told us about the poster that were put up in the hallway of her school, of a student who had recently come out to his peers. I thought that was very brave of the student to put himself out there, and for the school to be so supportive of him, but the next thing out of my mother's mouth was: "If they can put up a picture of that, then why can't we put up pictures of Christ?"
That was one of those moment where I felt incredulous. My parents are Catholic, and very much so, they go to church, say grace, don't believe in evolution, the whole nine yards. I've struggled with the concept of God since I was a teenager, the idea that someone is controlling my fate, and watching over me. The only thing is, I've never felt a spiritual connection to anything, I've never had a revelation, or the "presence" of God, and, in all honesty, I hate going to Church. I've hated it since I was a kid, it was just two hours worth of bad singing and meaningless messages.
I think the thing that screwed me up the most was the fact that religion is all about the after life, I interpereted that as death. And it made me wonder, why would I want to spend so much time dwelling on what's going to happen to me after I die? I'm 18 years old, I've got so much life ahead of me, and yet my family expects me to pray to a God I don't know is there, speculating on my afterlife.
Now I identify as an Agnostic. I don't know if God is real, and I don't want to know, but there are some things that I can't explain, so I'm not going to be as bold as to say there's no God, but I'm not going to be as bold as to say there is. I want to spend my life focusing on my life, I want to live to each and every extent that I can.