Monday, December 03, 2012
Tuesday December 4 I will be having my surgery, hysteroscopy and D&C. I am filled with waves of fear as I ponder what possible outcomes may occur. Hopefully from the tissue sample they will determine whether or not I have cancer. I have been mentally preparing myself for the possibility of losing my hair and uterus in the event of cancer. I asked my boyfriend if I had cancer if he would say he would still love me even without hair and an uterus. And he said yes he would still love me. I needed to hear him say he would still love me. I can't eat or drink anything after midnight and I am going under general anesthesia tomorrow. It's been 3 months and I am still bleeding.
Interesting Week 7 nourishes my soul during this difficult time because of the resiliency which I need to focus on. Now more than ever have I had to rely on loving support here and elsewhere. I really enjoyed the following quote:
"Our real blessings often appear to us in the shape of pains, losses, and disappointments." Joseph Addison Page 153. Cameron, Julia. "Finding Water." Penguin Books Ltd, 2006. In my case I really see the love and empathy from those around me as I go through difficult pain and health challenges. People have been overwhelming supportive of my healing journey. Another section in Week 7 is ironically about healing which I find is very appropriate for this phase of my life. I appreciate focusing on a 12 step slogan that Julia Cameron mentions in Finding Water on page 162 which is "Do the next right thing." Between reapplying for my job as the agency switches this January, dealing with the rush of holiday events as an Activities Coordinator, problems with my housing, and the surgery sometimes all I can do is the next right thing. Just focus on one small thing I can focus on admist the long list of problems and challenges I am facing. For the Divining Rod on Page 164 I created several Gratitude Prayers to offset the downright chaos and waves of fears that are overwhelming me. I received some pieces of peace as I focused on the blessings I am still receiving like a wonderful loving boyfriend, awesome friends, and an exciting learning trip to Wisconsin Dells.
Still in pain and it reflects in my Morning Pages my suffering. I was able to take more pictures at Wisconsin Dells for my Artist's Dates. I have been walking everyday. My issue of recovery is focusing on my healing journey.