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Limping along and wishing I was running!!!

Monday, December 03, 2012

I don't have a lot of time, right now, but I've been wanting to writ and can't seem to find the time. I'm very thankful that I am getting a massage by my good friend, Joann, tonight. She does cranio saxral work and myofacial release. AHHH, heaven! It is so nice to have a few minutes when she is done that I have a break from pain. It really wears on a person!

So, in August, I was trying to watch the calories and increase my activity level. Ya know those mixed messages yo get between this Dr. or that one? Walk, one says, don't walk the other one says. So I tried walking more, parking farther away, walking while shopping, walking instead of using my wheel chair when we are out for extended "walking." Big mistake. I ended up with a huge neuroma and an inflamed tendon... on my GOOD FOOT! Well, that really ticked me off and hurt SO bad! I usually have a high pain tollerance, but this was a mess. Exrays showed tons of arthritis and the MRI showed a train wreck. So, I was in a boot cast for 6 weeks, non weight bearing. My "bad" foot was very unhappy about this, let me tell you! So, I had no choice but to do the wheelchair thing for a couple of months, and then rented a knee walker for another 6 weeks or so because I couldn't stand to walk on it for more than across a room. Now, I;m limping around and feel like I've aged 20 years. I'm not seeming to be able to get back to where I was before this happened and everything is flaired up. (excuse the whine session there!)

I finally have insurance, so after the first of the year (to avoid paying the deductible twice) I;m finding an orthopedic surgeon to see what my options are. I know my knees are shot, but I'm suspecting that they won't fix them at my current weight, so I'm trying to work on that. I'm doing good, generally during the week, but those weekends are a killer!

In other areas, things continue to move forward. We finished painting Dakota's new purple room with big pink hearts on the wall, tow shades, even, and got her bed moved in there. She loves it! She has her own girly bathroom now and likes that, too! We still need to get the rest of her room put together, but the bed is in there for the moment.

So, I need to be logging, eatin right and get as much weight off as I can so I can get whatever done I need to as soon as I can. I'm tired of being like this and hurting all the time. I'm struggling with a lot of frustration with myself for my denial that this would eventually be my life, ya know?

I've been trying to do things to help myself feel good things, like blasting the Messiah in my car and singing along at the top of my soprano lungs while I'm directing with one hand. I'm sure it's a sight, but, oh, well, it nourishes my soul!

When I stop to think about it, I really miss who I used to be. Lots of energy, going out of my way to be there for people and taking action on things. I don't feel depressed, really at least lately, thank God for meds. It's just so wearing to hurt all the time and dread each step. Help, I want to turn in this body for a new one! Too bad ya can't do that in this life!

Gotta go for now...hope I don't sound too negative. I don't mean to, it's just really frustrating and hard to find the will power sometimes to get out of myself!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I so hear ya, girl. For you it's that next step when you're walking that you hate. For me it's going to bed at night because I'm having those stupid muscle spasms again. Things like that are such an emotional cesspool to wade through, let alone the physical part of it. Pain tolerance? You just learn to deal with what you have to. I think for a lot of people, especially the older we get, there's not a day goes by they don't deal with some kind of pain. That can take an emotional toll on a person, too. It's no wonder we get discouraged and tell ourselves this is just the way it's going to be the rest of our lives. THAT'S what we have to fight! That defeatist attitude. I sometimes think I forget that I CALL THE SHOTS! So you hang in there. And whine all you want. Strange as it seems, that emotional bleeding off of anxiety does make things easier, doesn't it...

    Glad to hear Dakota finally has her room! Everything still good with Jorie?

    You're in my prayers, girl!

    Love & Hugs,
    1934 days ago
    You sound like you are frustrated and TRYING hard NOT to be bummed out. Hate the whole - not able to do what I want THING. I hope your recovery is speedy and that you continue to come around for support and to keep that positive attitude from getting a little ragged around the edges. (HUGS) get well soon.
    1934 days ago
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