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    HFAYE81   20,933
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Update...and navel gazing.

Monday, December 03, 2012

I completed Week 3 of Couch to 5K two or three weeks ago. After that I just started running at my own pace. I think that this has paid off, because I saw my average speed jump tremendously! I am feeling really good about my running. emoticon

I had a "bad" weekend, and didn't track my food or do any workouts. I don't feel so bad about not working out; last week I made my fitness minutes and overshot my calories burned by quite a bit. I probably went over on Saturday calorie-wise, but I think Sunday was not so bad, probably right about on track. I have been doing good at getting in all my fitness minutes in, and have even been getting in strength training for the first time ever emoticon emoticon

I have stopped my social smoking. I downloaded an app that tells me how much money I've saved, how many cigarettes I've avoided smoking, and how much tar I have not taken into my lungs. It also gives health milestones, such as increased lung capacity after 2 weeks, etc. I knew that not only was even occasional smoking bad for my health, but it was keeping me from reaching my full athletic potential. It's going pretty well and there has only been a time or two when the temptation to smoke was really strong. I'm proud of myself that I've made it so far! emoticon

I feel like I've maybe crossed some emotional hurdles as well. I've struggled with depression for most of my life, and this past week has been especially tough. I've had some really hard downs, but for the first time I didn't try to fill the painful voids with food. Or alcohol. Making it through without turning to these distractions has opened my eyes to some things about myself. Usually when I feel bad I just binge and hate on myself or drink and ignore the problem. This time I faced myself down, faced my feelings down. I think that I need some major changes in my life. I am single and independent, but I put way to much emphasis into the companionship of others, and the way others feel about me. For example, I have been thinking about applying to some grad schools that aren't local for a few years now. I never do it, because I don't want to leave this person or that person. Friends and/or lovers. I am coming to realize that I am using this as an excuse to hold MYSELF back!!! I've decided I'm done with that.

I am on Sparkpeople because I want to improve my life. I know that I have issues with food, self esteem, self image, finances and debt, a job I hate, and depression. I want to change all that. For the first time I am taking responsibility for the food choices I make, rather than bingeing or working out like a maniac or going on some drastic diet. I need to take responsibility for everything else in my life. I'm tired of waiting...what AM I waiting for?? Who do I think will make me happy?? Only I can make myself happy. It's like I use waiting on other people as an excuse for why I'm not going after what I want to do right NOW, although NO ONE has asked me to wait...

I'm working this out. Hopefully there are some big changes coming.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JENCANTA 12/12/2012 2:06AM

    I'm so sorry I didn't see this sooner-I apologize for the belated response, but here it is:

You have so much to be proud of! Quitting smoking is HUGE!! What a fantastic app-I'm so glad that exists and that you found it. =)

Change can be scary, especially life-altering changes, but they can also be incredibly rewarding. The fact that you realize that you don't have to (and shouldn't!) wait for anyone to make you happy-that that's something YOU control, is really great.

I know it may take time, but you'll figure out what you want to do-and then there'll be no stopping you!!! =D

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LOLATURTLE 12/4/2012 2:45PM

    Sounds awesome! Huge congrats on quitting smoking, that's awesome! I know so many people who have struggled with it, I feel such pride to see someone succeed. Way to go!

Grad school can be scary, especially relocating, but I can honestly say I never learned more in my life. I learned so much about my studies and also myself.

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BESEVEN 12/4/2012 1:04PM

    This is emoticon ! Be proud of your accomplishments!

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KITT52 12/3/2012 8:23PM

    emoticon job

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TRAVELGRRL 12/3/2012 3:35PM

    You are making positive strides on SO many fronts! Congratulations. I too find it hard to deal with disappointment/depression without using food or alcohol. You've done great.

I think you are right not to put your life on hold for someone else; if it's true love/friendship it will endure a separation. Do what's best for YOU! Keep up the good work!!

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LEB0401 12/3/2012 3:30PM

    emoticon

Great blog! Running breakthroughs, quitting smoking, setting big life goals for yourself... this is so refreshing and inspiring!

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