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What happens why I try to act cool but I'm really not

Monday, December 03, 2012

[edit] Yesterday was the birthday of my son that died 20 years ago[/edit]
I got through the day looking okay. I could tell my prefrontal lobes were working overtime to keep it that way. Because while I got up, dressed, and went to church, and sang "It came upon a midnight clear" without weeping or even feeling overtly bad, I also had massive difficulty accomplishing very basic things like buying milk at the store and making an origami cube out of the program during church. And then I forgot to turn my cellphone ringer on after church, which lead to this morning.

I was supposed to wake up in time to take the middle school carpool at 7:20. I woke up at 7:55. Middle schooler was still in the kitchen, acting strangely guilty, and High schooler was gone (I assumed with my car) and the toddler crying. My husband got up and fed the toddler some chocolate pudding while I texted the carpool people about whether they still needed rides and stepped outside, my car was still here, had High schooler also slept in? Called up the stairs, wouldn't it be perfect if she had somehow died during the night or been kidnapped tending the chickens which I always tell her to do at sunset but which she never do until on the way to bed? So I run upstairs and no, I guess she rode her bike to school even though it's freezing. Too bad I sent her a text scolding for taking my car and not waking me up.

I think, in the end, the kids were trying to let me sleep because they knew I had been stressed even though I wasn't feeling it (thought it was definitely showing by last night when I was spluttering with rage at Elementary schooler's quite usual behavior). Which is why Middle schooler had sent fraudulent texts to the carpool with my phone this morning... trying to help. :| I mean, at that point my husband just laughed and I had no choice but to text the carpool with my sad excuse, and they were very empathetic. So, next time Sunday falls on birthday or deathday, write myself a note and just don't go.

Our minds are funny little things sometimes. It's some strange alchemy that I can decree that I will be fine and not cry today, but that also means I will not have access to the origami files or notice that my phone is silent even though I have 3 or 4 alerts that should go off on Sunday evening. I was so not okay this time last year. I wanted to watch Gone with the Wind, but once it got going, it made me all weepy. It's because I named my son after my father, and my father and I have a special connection about that movie, and of course there's some pretty sad stuff that happens. I probably don't need to worry about spoiling Gone with the Wind after how many years, but you never know. So I guess I thought it would make me feel better, but it made me feel worse. I think it was newly released on Netflix at the time.

For entertainment yesterday we opened netflix for the first time since July and spent an hour rebuilding the queue and rating movies. Then we proceeded to watch a DVD we already had (which was the Pride and Prejudice with Kiera Knightley, my husband's choice believe it or not.)
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  • MDKM80
    Sorry to hear about your rotten day! It's amazing no matter how much time passes when your child has passed but the pain hasn't lessened, it just finds a place to live in and amoungst the rest of the daily stuff. I hope today is a better day for you!
    1907 days ago
    Those days are hard as hell. There are triggers everywhere like minefields. Know in advance how hard it will be and lay low.
    1907 days ago
    Hugs. That was nice of your family to try and give you a break. Hope you're hanging in there!
    1908 days ago
    Your family tried to help you through a rough spot. Congrats to them. I really hope you are having a better day today.
    1908 days ago
    You gotta love 'em for trying. I think next year you need to have some shows ready that you KNOW make you LAUGH. Shows like I watched durig chemotherapy--Carol Burnett was one of them. Now HER Gone with the Wind show was truly rolling on the floor material when she came down the stairs wearing the drapery rod and drapes. Or Mork and Mindy, Gilda Radner as Rosanne Rosanna Danna. Well, they worked for me. What would make you laugh?
    1908 days ago
    Oh, ack! I somehow forgot to spell out that yesterday was the birthday of my son that died. There were places I mentioned it and places I didn't. I guess you get that from something I say halfway through, but... brain not working. See?
    1908 days ago
    Hope your day has gone better since this morning.
    1908 days ago
    Sounds like you had "one of those days". Hope tomorrow is better for you.

    1908 days ago
    It must ALL be fun for you!!! Just kidding. Have a blessed day!
    1908 days ago
  • LJOYCE55
    Hope your tomorrow is better.
    1908 days ago
    Sounds like your kids really tried. Good old kids. ;)

    1908 days ago
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