Several Steps Backward
Sunday, December 02, 2012
Well... Today was not a good day food wise, not at all. Dad and I went Christmas shopping and we ate out at the Longhorn Steakhouse and... man, when I ended up tracking the food that I had ordered after getting back home, I was quite surprised... and disappointed. I thought "Eh, how bad can it be?" and ignored the unappetizing 500 calories or less menu (which contained about five to eight items, mostly steak, which isn't really my cup of tea.)
I've also just been sort of throwing my hands up in the air more lately and just going with eating out when it is suggested. There have been a few times when I've stated that there are plenty of leftovers that need to be eaten, so we will eat at home then, but as it getting to closer to when we have to go shopping, there is less food in the house, so... Also, running errands almost everyday, especially when waiting for my mother's medicine turns into a 3 hour wait (yay for the military system. -_-), sometimes I can't plan for it. I do try to get foods with less calories, like swapping out my usual chicken tenders with a whopper jr. sans the mayo and pickles, so that I can get at least some veggies (and the Burger King on base does actually give you a good amount of lettuce).
But still.... I think part of this has to do with it being winter-time. Once the sun goes down, I find that I tend to be a bit... sad and angry and just feel hopeless about a lot of things. In a way, I combat this with doing exercise in the evening, to get a little bit more energy and feel a bit better, which helps sometimes, but the cycle keeps repeating itself over and over and I'm just so tired of it.
I wouldn't be surprised if it is some sort of seasonal depression type thing, as my mother has a similar problem. It might also be that it is December and December.... Hasn't been a good month for my family since Grandpa passed away two years ago, on December 28, 2010. We all still really miss him, especially my mom, and also my Dad's relatives have been passing away three months from each other since about April, so... Dad is worrying about his mom, Mom is missing Grandpa, I don't know what is going on with my sister and I feel like everything is just changing a lot but not at all at the same time. Some things have changed, as I'm the person to drive my sister and mom places now instead of our Mom driving us, since she can't drive because of her vertigo caused by an infection that's been going on for about two months now. I'm cooking more meals, which is partially good, because I can make more of the healthier meals that I want. But... I guess I wasn't exactly prepared for the amount of responsibility?
Basically my role and mom's role have almost become reversed and I seem like the parent at times, making sure that she doesn't fall as we cross the street and holding her hand, slowing my speed so we can walk next to each other, doing the shopping and cooking. We had started the shopping and cooking experiences before, we were really starting to get into new recipes and stuff.... I guess, maybe another thing is that the way mom sort of toddles around now is like how Grandpa did in the last 6 months of his life, and it is unnerving and it scares me. Grandpa was 89 when he passed away. My mom is 62. Yeah, some might say that that is old, but most of the women in our family make it to their mid-90's. And just seeing her like this, now, is just terrifying.
Eventually, I just... I just wonder if all of this weight loss stuff is worth it in the end. And I know it is. I know it is because then I will be healthier, and I can take care of my mom better if I can take care of me, but I just... I just feel so unimportant compared to everything else. I guess sometimes I wonder if I'm worth it.
I don't know. I just feel so up and down, my emotions, my weight (which keeps going between 156 and 152 perpetually it seems), my ability to cope, I don't know.
And this blog took a turn from what it was supposed to be. I guess I just needed to get this out. I don't really feel like I have anyone to talk to. My Mom, Dad, and Sister are all dealing with their own stuff. My friends are all also dealing with their own issues, grad school, possible unemployment, girlfriend issues, or I just can't get a hold of them. I just... I feel like I'll be seen as complaining. I know that I need to do this for my family, I owe them so much, and am grateful for all they've given me, so the least I can do is step up when I need to, just... what happens when it gets to be a little too much times? What do I do when I can't be the strong one anymore?