Big changes in my life. Starting over.
Sunday, December 02, 2012
Starting over. Not so much with health and fitness, which is a given, but with the rest of my life.
I keep trying to draft this, and I keep finding myself getting angry. Basically, my roommate Samir will be leaving my house, after about a year and a half since his accident.
Basically, he used me. It sounds harsh, but I gave way too much to him to be healthy, between my time, my money, my care, my peace of mind. And he was never satisfied, always demanding more. I put myself and my needs aside for too long, and got hurt. Damaged my relationships, my work, my health, my sanity honestly, when he was my number one priority.
And eventually, after almost two years, I said no, no more. While I'm still willing to help, I need to take care of myself too. He became abusive, cursing at me daily, attacking every weakness I ever gave him as a friend, manipulating me into helping him even though I knew that his requests were unreasonable. And I'd say 75% of the time he'd brought specific problems onto himself, through disrespecting his caregivers, or not using their time wisely, or engaging in activities that were directly harmful to him including, uncountable times, firing trained caregivers without having any sort of backup. The abuse is not a new pattern. He did the same to his live-in caregiver. And he taught himself that it was okay to treat people like that. Trained his neural pathways that attacking was the way to get things done, told me as much directly when we argued over it, and that it was most effective against people who cared for you.
I recognize that he's going through what will be the hardest challenge of his life, adapting to this new life. And I recognize that becoming paralyzed will completely mess with your mind, and that he's damaged FAR beyond the physical. But I also recognize that at this time he is not willing to change and despite my begging him to see a counselor, he will not. He keeps making self-destructive choices, including his choice to destroy me emotionally and psychologically, the only one who's been there from the start. He shows no repentance, no remorse, and no responsibility for himself. And he will continue to not do so until he has to. And he knows that he won't have to for as long as I'm there, because he's hugely successful in manipulating me to help him.
But what he didn't realize, despite my telling him over and over again, is that no one has the right to talk to people the way he did, and to demand love despite the abuse. He did the same thing to his last girlfriend who agreed to be his caregiver, and was eventually driven away by his degradation of her. I can't even type the things that he would say to us daily, because this blog would get removed.
But I told him, I would not go through this again. I would be available for his errands, his care, if he needed cash, or help to the doctor or filling out forms or writing grants for his medical needs, or training new caregivers if an old one quit unexpectedly or even care taking him myself if someone quit and he had no other options, for a dozen other things that I gave as a matter of course. I was willing to contribute quite a bit.
But I would not see him make a bad choice, one that could have been avoided, hurt someone else, hurt himself in the meantime, hurt me when he demand I fix it, and then get abused when I refuse to enable him to do it. I gave him warning that he would have to learn to control himself. He didn't have to agree with my opinion on his life choices, but he was responsible for his own choices, and I would not be available to fix it for him if it was a self-destructive one. And three times in three weeks he made a choice that was harmful to himself and those around him. And three times I refused to step in and fix it again, since this is a pattern that he's been repeating for almost two years. And three times he cursed me roundly and continuously for following through with my boundary.
I'm done. He has to learn to make his own way. He has to learn respect, for others AND himself. He has to learn his own power and weaknesses and how to navigate them both. And he won't do it while I'm there, and, after months of abuse, I won't stick around.
So, my life is starting new. I have unfortunately felt the need to cut myself completely off. He's so angry at me for "betraying" him I can't walk into the room without his disgust and foulness rolling out at me. So I moved out until his dad can move him out of my house. I'm not sure I'll ever see him again. I had long grieved that possibility, as I've been asking his dad to take a hand and get him out of my home for months,. But the constant negativity over the last few months, his refusal to take responsibility for his words and actions, and the outright lies he's been telling all and sundry about what a horrible person I am and how I was never there for him, have helped me to just be done. I'm still thinking too much about it. I'm still too angry. But this is for the best. Maybe someday we can be friends again, I don't know. But for now, it's best if I just be done, for both of us.
I'm hoping to enter a new part of my life. One where I'm not perpetually exhausted. One where I'm not perpetually depressed or angry or despairing. One where I can see to my needs, be rejuvenated, and have the time, energy and emotionally strength to be a support for all the OTHER relationships in my life.
The worst part of it is my heart is so wrung out that I don't even care anymore. I'm just tired. I hope the best for him, but, it's out of my hands now, and I can't feel responsible anymore. Honestly, as just a friend, I was never responsible. I took too much on, more than was healthy in any respect. Now, I'm just...tired. Once I'm less tired I'll continue to pray for both him and myself and our healing. And honest to God I pray and pray hard for his healing. But for now, I'm going to go watch tv and just vedge, cuddle with my love until I feel better.