Saturday, December 01, 2012
I am thankful today. I was raking leaves in my front yeard and my neighbor came over to help. He brought not just a rake but also the bag holder his wife had ordered from somewhere and what he called "tyiger claws" to pick up the leaves once raked into piles. Then his 14yr old son came over to help. We finished the front and side yards in an hour. I had hoped to get a portion of the front yard done without his help. Now I have 5 huge bags of leaves ready for pick up on friday and 3 s]big bags ready for pick up. There wil be more as I plan to get out the rest of the week and rake as Mother Nature blows leaves off the trees, and there are still a lot of leaves!
I am thankful today that my friend Christa needed a ride to another friend's house for their "open house". I asked every one there to NOT hug me as I tend to cry when I am hugged. Bob and Judy both complied but I think that I hurt Bob's feelings. Oh well, I know my limits and have figured out that when people hug me I am likely to cry and the longer and tighter the hug the more I will cry! I know, it sounds crazy but it reminds me that Edward is no longer here and that is why people are hugging me. I am sure that will change but probably not soon.
I am thankful that Christa needed a ride. The open house ant Bob and Judy's was a good 15-20 miles from my home and having someone to ride was a good thing. Also, Christa has a rare for m of cancer and when I noticed that she was getting tired it was a good reason to leave.
i am thankful that the people there (except the host and hostess and the person who rode with me) were people whom Ihad never met before. As a result no one was feeling sorry for me or wanting to hug me or trying to commisserate. If you have never lost someone you loved as much as I loved Edward and he loved me there is no understanding of the loss. Anyway, I am thankful that we went tonight and not the night when I might have known people who would have been overly sympathetic and telling me how they understand when there is no way they could. The loss of a parent? I lost mine and there is no comparison. The only thing that compares or could be worse is the loss of a child. So, for people to tell me how they understand when it is obvious that they don't have a love affair with their spouse, that they live in the same house but don't sleep in the same bed, or work together like we did for 25 years, or still make love, or snuggle on the souch, or have to touch one another when walking by or riding in the car for them to tell me that they understand? No you do not understand and there is no way that you will ever understand. Until you have the passion in your lives that we had (and I don't mean just sexual but in every aspect) you will never understand the depth and intensity of my loss.
I am thankful for the years we had together and the love we shared.