Much anxiety, Some depression, but overall a Good Day
Saturday, December 01, 2012
Day started well. I was up before 5 a.m. feeling awake and rested. Had breakfast, dropped DS off at a breakfast meeting, went to a f2f meeting, picked DS back up, took the dog for his vaccines, got a few things done around the house, had lunch, and headed with DH towards a movie theater. It was obvious we had left too late to get there before the movie started, so we decided to wait until tomorrow. We are planning on seeing ‘Lincoln’. I lurked in a couple of on-line meetings, but just didn’t feel like sharing at those today.
I’ve really been having feelings of depression and anxiety lately, and today the feelings came and went throughout the day. As the day went on, the feelings got worse and closer together. Eventually I took my blood pressure to see if that might be to blame. Nope. My blood pressure was perfect. So, I just continue to do lots of praying. I’m sure much of it has to do with work; it so negative there and you can almost feel the evil in the air.
Food was good today. I was over on my calories, but it had more to do with the types of food and not the volume. I was actually quite happy at dinner. DH decided to order Pizza Hut. There are 8 slices in a large pizza and usually we each have two pieces and get two meals out of it. Now that DS is living with us, that don’t work. I took two pieces anyway, but after I ate the first and started to eat the second, I realized that I didn’t really want the second piece so I stopped! Yay! I did decide I was still a little hungry though and I allowed myself to have some ice cream to finish off my meal. I scooped it out, weighed it and did NOT go back for seconds. Yay! In fact food has been good since 11/20/12 :D
I read my OA readings today and some in my Bible. I also did lots of praying and listened to some Christian music on CD; a couple of the songs had me in tears … God is so good and I am so undeserving. Sometimes it is so hard to accept that someone would die for me; I certainly am not strong enough or courageous enough to die for anyone. That’s why it is so hard; how can I accept something that given the chance, I would not or could not ‘return the favor’ so to speak? Some of my prayer time today was used on trying to deal with this issue.
My plan of action seems a bit scattered. I rarely give it much thought on a daily basis although I do use many of the tools on a daily basis and possibly all of them at least a few times a week. So, I decided to get it out and look at it to see what I was missing and how I could do better at using each of the tools daily. As I read through, I remembered that ‘writing’ is one that I don’t do enough; so here I am. ;-)
Anyway… today I am thankful that I went to the f2f meeting; it really did me good. I’m thankful for the feelings and progress I felt as I listened to the songs, that DS is attending his meetings regularly (though I wish he’d get help for his depression), that the dog’s shots didn’t cost as much as I thought they might, and that I know God will work things out for my good – in His time (and I hope that is sooner than later, lol).
Nighty night – everyone have a great Sunday and enjoy it best you can … Monday will be here all too soon :D
Member Comments About This Blog Post
Oh dearest Dee...
"God is so good and I am so undeserving."
GOD is so good and the only "person" in our lives who is perfect. And we are all deserving of having his love and help because it does not come with a price of having to be perfect. He accepts us with all of our inperfections. You deserve a a relationship with him. HUGS
" I certainly am not strong enough or courageous enough to die for anyone. That’s why it is so hard; how can I accept something that given the chance, I would not or could not ‘return the favor’ so to speak? "
Dee, until you are faced with having to make this choice, none of us know if we could do it. I KNOW if anyone threatened our children, we would step in and intervene with no thought of our own welfare. Could I lay down my life and give it for a stranger? I don't have that kind of strength either. I just don't know either Dee.
My mantra is "GOD is greater then any problem I have". Many times I lay my problems before him and ask for understanding and help.
1806 days ago
It's good to hear from you again Dee. I have been missing you. Dec. 6 is my grand daughter's bd. She wants to see ‘Lincoln’. so I think dh and I will take her. I would like to see it too.
I'm glad to hear your thinking positive and watching your portions in your food. It is a hard battle but You are sounding pretty positive again. Wishing you a wonderful week. God Bless
1871 days ago
Hi, Dee. Glad to see you writing again...been missing you. Ya know, I think we all have times of questioning...God, ourselves, self worth, best plan of action, etc. And for me, at least, it takes time of praying and just time in general for things to become more clear, but it does happen.
You have a lot of positives...I see a lot of positives in what you wrote! Yeah for the positive streak in your eating! That's fantabulous!!! There is a lot of "seeking" and openness to learning and thinking which is NOT depression! Now the anxiety, that's another thing. I never used to have classic "anxiety," but boy in the last year I have and man, does it ever stink! Sorry to hear it's happening for you. For me, it was a huge difference from the shut down of depression and I didn't and don't like it at all!
Interesting, too, that music is a theme, here. In fall every year for quite a few years, now, I start listening to the Messiah in my car and crank it up when I'm alone. I'm guessing I look pretty silly, driving along, belting out whatever part I feel led to sing and directing as I go. I've probably been through the whole thing 20 times this year by now, and no, I haven't hit anyone yet! Beautiful music is so healing, as is the message.
Again, great to hear from you!
Many hugs and prayers, my friend!
1871 days ago
Dealing with depression is never an easy thing. We all have our good days and bad days. We can't totally eliminate the bad days, but hopefully our good days will outnumber our bad ones. We're all trying to get by as best we can. Take things day by day.
Also, some of your depression today may have been a result of a hormonal fluctuation. If you're nearing your menstrual cycle, those hormones may be the cause of your mood swing. I know I've had my emotional ups and downs since being laid off. On days I feel down, I do check the calendar because my down days do seem to coincide with my cycle.
Try to stay positive and accentuate the positive things that ARE working in your life.
1872 days ago
I HATE that free-floating anxiety. And being stuck in a very negative atmosphere just makes it ten times worse. It's like it starts out rolling and gets big like a snowball rolling down hill until there is that emotional spin out that breaks it all up till the next time. When it happens now and I feel it coming on, I just go ahead and take a xanax and get out in front of it.
We were having an impromptu concert today as well! We cleaned out under our stair well where we keep the Christmas decorations. While we were doing that we put all the Petra and Phil Driscoll albums -- yeah, the actual vinyl albums -- on and rocked out! At the top of our lungs! I'm sure our neighbor behind us -- Steve, who was out in his garage -- wondered what all that catterwalling had to do with praising God! Didn't help that we were singing: "This means war - and the battle's still raging! War - and though both sides are waging the Victor is sure and the victory secure but till judgment we all must endure! This means war!" LOLOLOL
I'm sure Steve thinks we're subversives or something! Just TRY to feel anxious when you're singing THAT SONG!
Good to see you back on here again. Hope you stick around a little while. Have missed you.
1873 days ago
Have a super Sunday
1873 days ago
We were created in God's image, so think about what God is like. Isn't He worthy to be loved? He made YOU that way too. Furthermore, because God IS love, He made us to be the objects of His love. Blows me away to think about it, but YEAH - He REALLY loves us. ANd His desire is just to have that love relationship. The quality of His love is not based on our merit but on His character. That's a big relief! I pray God will give you a deeper revelation of His character and who you are in Christ! Blessiings on the journey to health! Shel
1873 days ago
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