I don't know where to start. I had my blog nearly completed and then accidently closed out of it before posting. That is the most aggravating feeling! But I digress.
As of this morning I am only 5 lbs away from what will be the most important weight in my journey. 223 pounds. My entire adult life I have never weighed less than 224 lbs. I actually spent most of the past 11 years ranging between 245 and 255 pounds. About five years ago I allowed myself to reach the 270's. But just a year and a half ago I managed to get to my lowest adult weight of 224 with the help of SparkPeople. I was feeling fabulous! Imagine my horror and dismay when I realized that I had allowed myself to gain all the weight back, thensome, and had to make the walk of shame back to Spark. It was extremely difficult for me to accept that. I felt ashamed and humiliated. I felt like I had disappointed every Spark friend who cheered me on the first time. I was humbled. When I did come back on May 21st of this year, I told myself JUST GET BACK TO WHERE YOU WERE. JUST GET BACK TO THIS:
I was 224 lbs and happy with who I had become. I felt amazing! I felt so good that I assumed I could handle a little fast food here, a little cheesecake there. I thought I had what it took to burn it off. By June of 2011, I had gained back 11 pounds
At this point I recognized that I was gaining and I made an attempt to correct the situation but I was also suffering in that picture. One year and one month earlier, my angel, my little Tukah Bean (my pet name for her) and my pride and joy Alicia Jean passed away at 19 months old. Her death is what initially made me lose weight in the first place. I felt horrible that I was neglecting my health when I was capable to do something about it and my poor baby fought and tried so hard to live while having a life threatening disability. How dare I? So I got up one day after spending one entire month in the bed and went to the gym. I found that sweating and pushing myself to near exhaustion gave my mind and emotions a break. I began going to the gym every day. I joined SparkPeople. And in ten months I was able to get to that happy place. Or so I thought. When the anniversary of Alicia's passing came around, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized that I never really dealt with her passing. I just ignored it by dieting and exercising so the anniversary was almost worse than the death. I woke up one morning and realized that my baby was gone, never coming back. I realized that my chances at motherhood was scarce to none. You see, Alicia wasn't my first pregnancy. I lost her two brothers, Anthony and Nicholas, during pre-term labor. They weren't considered miscarriages because I made it to the end of my second trimester with both and had to actually deliver and bury my boys. Losing Anthony, my first, took me two years to even feel okay. With Nicholas, I almost expected to be hurt because of the difficulties I had during his pregnancy. But when I seen my little spider monkey at 2lbs and 5 oz be delivered kicking, screaming and fighting, it was all worth it. Spending 11 1/2 months in the NICU with her gave us a bond that most parents could only dream of. It was just she and I leaning on each other to get through. She was my soulmate and when I finally woke up and realized what had happened to me over those years, I caved. I ate, slept, cried and repeated nearly daily. Next thing I know, just one year from reaching my lowest adult weight, here I was:
272.1 pounds of sadness, anger and regret. I was angry that I didn't address my depression sooner. I was sad that I didn't recognize the person in the mirror and I regretted every bad choice I made, every gym session I missed.
On May 21, 2012 I took control. Real control this time. I am at a better place with my losses though I still have tough days, hell I am in the midst of a tough week, but I get through it. My family, friends, co-workers and my loverly fiance know when I am having what I have termed as "An Alicia Day" and they support me through it. Now I sit just 5 pounds away from surpassing that first picture. Five pounds! My ultimate goal will be even sweeter I am sure, but weighing in at 223 will be the turning point. It will mean that this time is different and that I will change the story of what my adult life has been. Ironically, I still don't feel as good as I felt in the first picture. I don't look as good, I am not as strong. The first time around it took me ten months to do what I have managed to do in six and I think doing it faster just translates to more lose skin and less tone. But I will get there. I will get to the point where I am amazed at what I am seeing. I think that feeling lies somewhere around 219 lbs. Even typing that number seems surreal. I just need to stay focused and committed so that I dont look back on these pics
and wish i could get it all back.