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***how I got back here - A PIC JOURNEY***

Saturday, December 01, 2012

I don't know where to start. I had my blog nearly completed and then accidently closed out of it before posting. That is the most aggravating feeling! But I digress.

As of this morning I am only 5 lbs away from what will be the most important weight in my journey. 223 pounds. My entire adult life I have never weighed less than 224 lbs. I actually spent most of the past 11 years ranging between 245 and 255 pounds. About five years ago I allowed myself to reach the 270's. But just a year and a half ago I managed to get to my lowest adult weight of 224 with the help of SparkPeople. I was feeling fabulous! Imagine my horror and dismay when I realized that I had allowed myself to gain all the weight back, thensome, and had to make the walk of shame back to Spark. It was extremely difficult for me to accept that. I felt ashamed and humiliated. I felt like I had disappointed every Spark friend who cheered me on the first time. I was humbled. When I did come back on May 21st of this year, I told myself JUST GET BACK TO WHERE YOU WERE. JUST GET BACK TO THIS:

I was 224 lbs and happy with who I had become. I felt amazing! I felt so good that I assumed I could handle a little fast food here, a little cheesecake there. I thought I had what it took to burn it off. By June of 2011, I had gained back 11 pounds

At this point I recognized that I was gaining and I made an attempt to correct the situation but I was also suffering in that picture. One year and one month earlier, my angel, my little Tukah Bean (my pet name for her) and my pride and joy Alicia Jean passed away at 19 months old. Her death is what initially made me lose weight in the first place. I felt horrible that I was neglecting my health when I was capable to do something about it and my poor baby fought and tried so hard to live while having a life threatening disability. How dare I? So I got up one day after spending one entire month in the bed and went to the gym. I found that sweating and pushing myself to near exhaustion gave my mind and emotions a break. I began going to the gym every day. I joined SparkPeople. And in ten months I was able to get to that happy place. Or so I thought. When the anniversary of Alicia's passing came around, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized that I never really dealt with her passing. I just ignored it by dieting and exercising so the anniversary was almost worse than the death. I woke up one morning and realized that my baby was gone, never coming back. I realized that my chances at motherhood was scarce to none. You see, Alicia wasn't my first pregnancy. I lost her two brothers, Anthony and Nicholas, during pre-term labor. They weren't considered miscarriages because I made it to the end of my second trimester with both and had to actually deliver and bury my boys. Losing Anthony, my first, took me two years to even feel okay. With Nicholas, I almost expected to be hurt because of the difficulties I had during his pregnancy. But when I seen my little spider monkey at 2lbs and 5 oz be delivered kicking, screaming and fighting, it was all worth it. Spending 11 1/2 months in the NICU with her gave us a bond that most parents could only dream of. It was just she and I leaning on each other to get through. She was my soulmate and when I finally woke up and realized what had happened to me over those years, I caved. I ate, slept, cried and repeated nearly daily. Next thing I know, just one year from reaching my lowest adult weight, here I was:

272.1 pounds of sadness, anger and regret. I was angry that I didn't address my depression sooner. I was sad that I didn't recognize the person in the mirror and I regretted every bad choice I made, every gym session I missed.

On May 21, 2012 I took control. Real control this time. I am at a better place with my losses though I still have tough days, hell I am in the midst of a tough week, but I get through it. My family, friends, co-workers and my loverly fiance know when I am having what I have termed as "An Alicia Day" and they support me through it. Now I sit just 5 pounds away from surpassing that first picture. Five pounds! My ultimate goal will be even sweeter I am sure, but weighing in at 223 will be the turning point. It will mean that this time is different and that I will change the story of what my adult life has been. Ironically, I still don't feel as good as I felt in the first picture. I don't look as good, I am not as strong. The first time around it took me ten months to do what I have managed to do in six and I think doing it faster just translates to more lose skin and less tone. But I will get there. I will get to the point where I am amazed at what I am seeing. I think that feeling lies somewhere around 219 lbs. Even typing that number seems surreal. I just need to stay focused and committed so that I dont look back on these pics

and wish i could get it all back.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Thank you for sharing your story...
    Alicia is an angel who protects you from heaven... She's in your heart and in the hearts of all of us who have read her story.

    emoticon emoticon
    1915 days ago
    It's really hard to come back to Spark and admit that you're not perfect and worry about letting people down. I've experienced that with a 5-10 pound gain. I can only imagine how hard it was for you to come back, but I commend you for it. And by the comments, it's clear that you're still inspiring people.

    Congrats to you for recognizing and working on your depression and trying to make yourself the best person you can be for you and your family. I'm so so sorry to hear about the three little angels you've lost. I'm not a parent, so I can only imagine what you're going through. Hang in there.
    1925 days ago
    Your post brought tears to my eyes, but I am so inspired by your strength. What an incredible testimony for your life and your daughter. Your hard work always inspires me!

    sending a huge hug your way, my friend.
    1925 days ago
    I'm am so sorry for all of your heartache and pain. I can't imagine trying to deal with something like like. But you are a strong woman, and a fighter. I have no doubt you're going to meet and surpass your goals. YOU are amazing!
    1927 days ago
    Love this blog and thank you for sharing so much of yourself. Your testimony I'm sure will bless many as it did me. Your strength has already showed up and your body will get stronger and toner as you continue on your journey to wholeness. Be blessed and may you reach that place where you want to be.
    1929 days ago
  • GODSCHILD2_2011
    It is very therapeutic when we can let others know what's going on in our lives. You have gone through some hard times and it blesses me that though at times it’s still rough, you haven't giving up.

    You could have easily given up on life but you didn't and your determination to keep going is really inspiring to others who read this blog. You are much stronger than you think. I believe that by getting it out, it can allow some healing to take place in your life.

    I pray that God would give you beauty for ashes. (Isaiah 61:3)

    Thank you for sharing your story with us.


    1930 days ago
  • JUSTLYN1964
    You've been through so much... reading your post made my heart ache so... you no doubt are a very strong woman to have endured so much in your life already... use that inner strength to keep fighting for what you so strongly deserve... because you do deserve to be happy and healthy in life! emoticon

    1931 days ago
    You truly are a beautiful person. I am glad that we have had a chance to become friends. I admire your strength. You are doing fabulous!
    1931 days ago
    You are such a strong woman!!! I am so inspired by your strength and determination. YOU are amazing and YOU are strong!
    I am so completely sorry for all that you have been through, I can only imagine the pain and heart ache. I can understand the will to fight your battle, for those precious babies. They are watching over you....helping you. They know the love you have given them, and now it's time to give some love to you.
    I am so glad we are spark friends. In the short time I've known you, I have learned lessons, in kindness, compassion & love.
    You WILL get lower than 223 I'm sure! You CAN do it!!

    May God Bless you and hold your heart.
    Thanks Nik.
    1931 days ago
  • DALID414
    You'll get there!! And it'll feel awesome!!
    1933 days ago
    God bless you.
    1933 days ago
    I am so sorry for you losses. I can only imagine the pain you have lived with. And look at what you have done for yourself, how you have survived. I hope that you can see the heroism in your actions, your drive, the way you care for yourself. You will make it to 224 and well below it. And all of your Spark People friends will cheer you on! You are a very courageous soul. emoticon
    1933 days ago
    Deleted because of multipost error.
    1933 days ago

    Comment edited on: 12/1/2012 1:45:51 PM
    Deleted because of multipost error
    1933 days ago

    Comment edited on: 12/1/2012 1:48:43 PM
    I'm reading this in the mall and nearly cried. I had to skip parts so I wouldn't cry.

    I refuse to cry in public.

    I'm so sorry about all you've been through, and commend your strength for working past it all.

    My words will never be enough, but please know that you are so inspiring, and are obviously an incredibly strong woman.
    1933 days ago
  • EUEK098
    May she Rest in Peace. You are doing so well, and will be at your goal weight soon, keep up the hard work, and don't forget to take some time for you.
    1933 days ago
  • TONYA46
    Hello NIKKICOLE83,

    My name is LaTonya, and I understand your pain with your children. I have not lost one, but my second one was premature (12/31/1984 due 4/16/1985) 1 lb 10 oz, and that was the most depressing year I ever endured, so I know some of what you are going through.....after 4 months in NICU, my daughter eventually came home... the experience and pain is something that I will forever be with and never you already know this.............

    The one thing I have always been told by my family, friends, and significant other was that........."The Almighty" never brings you to anything that he wouldn't bring you through"..............I, too, also had long days of crying, binge eating (especially when my daughters day was rough) and days that I just didn't want to go's all expected so, its sort of your way of releasing and venting, all rolled up in one.........As you can see, it gets better and better and better with time.........

    You look great and I hope that you your heart will continue to be soothed........You will be in my prayers.......just continue to hold your head up high, when you see the sunshining that's your "Tukah Bean" smiling and saying, Mommy it's okay because I'm okay........

    Take care of yourself............I look forward to seeing more of your beautiful smile and those "in your face" photos.............Big emoticon 's and emoticon 's.....
    1933 days ago

    Comment edited on: 12/1/2012 11:31:10 AM
    You can do it!
    1933 days ago
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