Friday, November 30, 2012
Usually, I am an allĖor-nothing kind of person. I have been that way since I can remember. I wanted all the M&Ms from the bag my sister and I were supposed to share. I wanted all the newer dolls and the raggedy, hands-chewed-off, hair-a-matted-mess, dolls for my sister. I always ďwonĒ every single game I ever played with her (yes, I cheated sometimes to get that undefeated title). I had to have straight As OR I was a failure. Now, as I get older and see how much my attitude has impacted my young girls, I feel that I must change.
I have done a lot of self-exploration in the last few weeks, and I have noticed so many things start to change. The way I relate with others and with myself is certainly one of the most important. I become teary-eyed when I think about how far Iíve come in the last few weeks. I want to hold on to this forever, and SparkPeople makes me feel that is possible. I know that I can never reach perfection, and I always knew that, but before I hated myself for it.
Two months ago, I went to take my State Board exam to become a Cosmetologist, and I passed. However, I was so sick the week, and even worse the night before, because I thought I would fail. I cried and cried to my husband, and his support helped to relax the situation some, but it just wasnít enough. I have had trouble figuring out why it wasnít enough until now, but I think the curtains are starting to open, and what is being revealed to me is fantastic.
My husband said to me, ďItís ok if you donít pass this time. Youíll take it again. Youíre a smart woman, and you have put in a lot of time to get here. I donít think you CAN fail.Ē Kind words, right?! I say yes, but when youíre a person who has a personality similar to mine (all-or-nothing type), you just always worry about that day when failure may show its ugly face and make you feel like the only thing that matters is this one failure. His words could not take the place of what I was saying to myself because it all begins in oneís own mind. He could have had all the confidence in the world for me, but that wasnít going to matter unless I had it in myself.
There are times when we may feel like failures because of one poor decision we made, but we sometimes forget to look at all the accomplishments. Mine certainly do outweigh my failures. So why is it then that I focus so much on the one thing that makes me feel bad about myself? That is a question I have to ask myself every single day. I have accomplished so many things. Those things that I have not accomplished are obviously not important enough to me to keep me trying to achieve. If they were, I would be working towards them now.
I have a reason for blogging about all of this. I really overdid it last week (Thanksgiving week). I ate way too many calories, and I don't even know how many since I did not track. I did very little exercise, and even when my husband tried to push me, I resisted. I was being a rebel, and I knew the whole time that I was hurting myself, but I was willing to accept those consequences. Through it all, I worried that I would not get back on track and began thinking weight loss was just not in the cards for me. Guess what!? I got back on track, and I was not afraid that I wouldn't be able to. I had the confidence in myself to move on from that one mishap. I have done great this week. I got in most of my cardio and all of my strength.
I fall down, but SparkPeople is teaching me that I must get back up. That is the difference between failure and success. I have dieted and have been on so many programs, but each time I gained the weight back, I felt miserable and hated myself more and more. I never forgave myself for just being human.
I have been overweight (either in mind and/or in body) for most of my life. I will save that explanation for another blog. I have to gather some pictures for better understanding. I lived Monday to Monday for most of my life. Thatís that all-or-nothing attitude. I'm sure many of you know what I'm talking about. "I'll start again on Monday." This had given me very low self-esteem because even though I did start on Monday, I also ended on Monday, and that led to a whole week of overeating and lying around. Why did I spend so many years holding this grudge against myself?
Iíll admit. I would not be here if it werenít for husbandís poor results on his check-up six weeks ago, but I have to appreciate those results for they are what got me here. That alone is not what has kept me here though. I realized I love my husband so much that I was willing to make whatever lifestyle changes necessary to save his life. Why not do it for the most important person (and the only person I really have control over) in my life? I have to save my life, too. I have four beautiful daughters that mean the world to me. I donít want to leave them any earlier than I have to, and the way I was going, it was going to be sooner rather than later.
I want those who read my blog to get something from it. Love for oneself is the greatest love of all, and I didnít know how to really love myself just those few weeks ago. I hated myself for EVERYTHING before I really became engaged with SparkPeople. I was a bad mom, wife, sister, daughter, granddaughter. I was a stay-at-home mess. I was bad at everything I tried. I hated myself so much that I was virtually trying to end my life, not by suicide, but by heart disease, cancer, or diabetes. How does a person who has so much to offer hate themselves that much? This is the question I ask to myself often because I am a great mom, a devoted mom. I take care of my family and am a very giving person. Iím smart and beautiful and creative, and when I really strive to achieve, I do. .
Today is a completely different day. I donít have to beat myself up anymore. I just have to love who I am right now. I will forgive myself, and I will get back on track if I fall off because I am worth it. I donít have to be sad because of one slip-up. I can be happy that I am learning to recover from that slip-up. Many of us know of a time when one slip-up led to others, and all the self-destruction began. I thought I would never get to this place. I thought losing weight and getting healthy was for the other person. I just didnít have it in me to change. But, as the old saying goes, if nothing changes, nothing changes.
I am still scared of change, but Iím more willing to accept that things WILL and DO change. If things didnít change, I would not have the mind-set I have now. I might not always be happy with the change, but just accepting it makes life a little more stress-free.
So what I would like for those reading this blog to get from it is forgiveness, love, and acceptance all start with you. Good luck today and all the rest.