Turning 35 and reflections on life
Friday, November 30, 2012
This is my first blog ever, and I am writing it because I'm feeling tired and emotional - I figure it's better to write it out than to stuff my face to keep my emotions from spilling out. I'm turning 35 tomorrow, 2012 is almost drawing to a close, and I'm so thankful that this year is over, because it was a tough one. So since it's my birthday, I figured that I'd end my 34th year on Earth with a Pity Party.
I've been overweight my entire life...I finally took charge of it in 2005/2006, because I was tired of being lonely. I met my husband in 2006, and after our wedding in 2008 my weight began to climb. What I've never confessed to anyone is that a large part of my weight gain comes directly from our attempts to start a family. Every month I would track my cycle, and being so sure that I was pregnant, I would "stop dieting" because it wasn't healthy for the "baby." Or, I would swear that I had pregnancy cravings, so I had to eat whatever junk I wanted at the moment. Of course, I would get my negative test 2 weeks later, and would then overeat as a means of comfort. Since then, we've been seeing specialists and I've gone through the medical ringer with surgeries, etc. Many of these attempts require me to curb my physical activity.
So where are we now? Roughly 60 lbs heavier than I was on my wedding day...going on 4 years trying to start our family, ending 2012 with 2 failed IVF attempts, as well as a failed Frozen Embryo Transfer. And...not losing weight.
**END PITY PARTY**
I've come to realize that part of my problem is that I am a planner...I had planned to be a mother by the age of 35; I had planned to not gain back the weight that I worked so hard to lose. Well life doesn't always go the way you planned, and there are a lot of things that I have no control over. Like my fertility - I can't control the outcome, but I can take steps to improve my physical health and my mental health, which has been broken over the years. More so, I can control my own actions when it comes to my physical health, and I need to stop making excuses, blaming my other problems...at the end of the day it's all on me.
So I'm giving myself a gift this year, on my 35th birthday - I'm giving "me" back to "me" because I've really missed her.