Thursday, November 29, 2012
welp! i made it through another holiday and without incident! lol it was cool. i actually enjoyed the time alone. i didn't study or do anything else productive. i did cook a nice caribbean meal for myself (spicy black beans, plantains, a few slices of bake yam, a big salad, and forbidden rice). i had two helpings. considering i measured out portions before cooking, it really wasn't that bad. i love fried plantains. however, i failed to look at the calories in one plantain. the carb level is off the chain as well. next time i'll know. it's hard not to eat one whole one. measuring out all of that sweet, sticky goodness seems so hard to do. i only buy a couple at a time just for that reason. it's supposed to be a treat a few times a month since they take forever to get really ripe. i haven't experimented with green plantains. i like them when the skin turns black.
in any event, i was doing pretty well until my mom and daughter came home. they brought home some dressing and other items. i only had a little and my stomach just swelled up like a balloon. too many carbs at one time: mashed potatoes, cornbread dressing, croissants - just too much. and no one made a salad i think. i usually make one. no meal is quite complete without a salad. so that was their loss since i wasn't formally invited. actually, i wasn't invited at all! grrr..
the next day, i ate meat for the first time in three months. i don't feel bad about it. i'm happy about my streak. it lets me know that i can give it up and can find other options. however, i wanted that church's chicken my daughter went out to compliment the thanksgiving leftovers. she doesn't like cornish game hen. the next day, i ordered some wings from pizza hut, and last night, i bought some frozen fully cooked chicken strips, and some fresh fish. i have to get it out of my system. so i bought the fish to offset the chicken, and save some calories. i decided to incorporate fish into my diet for the protein and so i can measure out meals for the week. a woman who lost a lot of weight posted a picture of her weekly meals. she cooks ahead of time, then measures out proportions into tupperware containers. all she has to do is either heat and eat or pour some oil and lemon juice over it. what a great idea. so in order for me to eat more frequently, i'll have to do that. so i can take some time alternating between vegan/vegetarian meals and ust put them into jars. since i share the fridge with my mom, stacking tupperware won't give neither one of us any room. so i'll use the "salad-in-a-jar" technique and put rice, fish, and beans in containers and measure/add to the on-the-go jars. i'll test this out for the rest of this week and this weekend. pre-planning meals is key to my success. i actually get excited about my meals knowing they're already prepared. then i don't have to "forage" in the midst of extreme hunger.
so things are settling down and falling into place in some other areas of my life. itÕs been a very turbulent year, wrapping up four years of just sheer resistance Š from outside forces and even from myself. now i can scratch some things off my list. i just want and need clarity. i can't keep smothering myself. and that goes for other things that aren't pulling in what's important to me right now.
one of the things that i eat over is not feeling in control of my own life. i had a minor disagreement with a friend yesterday. it could have been avoided had he asked for clarity instead of offering his opinion and shoving it down my throat. he also stated, "well, it's my opinion and i'm going to give it." i had to tell him that i'm not accepting it. i have a right not to accept or respect your opinion. you can't bully me into accepting an unsolicited opinion. i didn't ask for it. that is an attempt to have power over me, render me feel defenseless, like i'm stupid or don't know what i'm doing. and it's a prevailing feeling i have around most dominating people in my life and in situations where i feel intimidated and unsure of myself. my voice gets lost in their bulldozing. it was in that moment where i realized that i really hate that. i can accept constructive criticism. i welcome it. i also will solicit advice and know how to humble myself. but to arbitrarily bumrush me with your opinions of what you would do if you were me will turn me off and i will turn on you. it was in that moment i realized why i have meltdowns. people are used to my just taking it. it's not that i'm taking it, my heart is screaming "noooooooooooo," but my head is telling me i'm unsure of myself so it either comes out with my arguing with a person or i just shut down. iÕve been bullied most of my early childhood and into my young adulthood. so this passive-aggressiveness has come from a place. my mother, at times, bullies me and has bullied. it was under the Ņdo as i say, not as i doÓ regime. my parents were loving, but they were also of the Ņold school.Ó now i see a change in attitudes that really piss me off, because i live with the feelings of insecurity behind that authoritarian parenting style. i got what i wanted, we never wanted for anything, but there was that underlying unwritten expectation of making them proud. there wasnÕt a lot of talk about do what makes you happy. so to see my mom tell other people, Ņyou can do whatever it is you want to doÓ really makes me angry. i didnÕt get that memo from her. i got it from my dad. but even there were stipulations. i must represent the family and represent it well and with that came conformity, which i hate. so instead of embracing my individuality, they wanted me to assimilate. i see it in my brother and my sisters and i reject it. itÕs only when i have private convos with each of them that i realize that they feel the same way, they either have a better way of dealing with it, push it down, or they really just accept it and go through life feeling a bit unsure of themselves.
that is why i need to move away from them. iÕve been at home too long and been on public display far too long in this family. what goes on in my life canÕt be 100% private living in this house. whatever arguments i get into with my mother or daughter, someone knows about it. someone has access to the other person involved. and it usually ainÕt me. so judgments are formed because it appears iÕm the troublemaker. i canÕt stand it.
all of that came up in that little exchange yesterday. iÕm happy that i can identify it. now itÕs time to do something about it so i can move on and truly be independent and be happy within my own skin. i refuse to no longer let anyone stand in my way of progress and success. when people sense you're moving and progressing, for some reason - even the most well-intentioned Š they will say or do things to throw you off center. so i'm going to have to go rogue on some of my plans and missions, only telling one or two trusted people in my inner, inner circle. that way, i'm in control of my own information about myself. so that little exchange yesterday was another confirmation that i need to reserve bits of information about myself. i won't trust myself if i keep running to other people sharing things with them. i will have to learn to sit and think things through. because some people will have you doubt yourself. instead of being positive, they come at you with "warnings" about what you may want to get into, offering what they would do and they haven't done anything like it before. so i'll have to keep that in mind if i'm tempted to ask people. i must reserve my questions to those who have knowledge and experience in that area.
i have the right to reserve information about myself. i have the right to reject or accept opinions formed about me and/or my choices.