Thursday, November 29, 2012
That I'm destined to be fat. I've gained 50 pounds in the past 6 months. That's all the weight I had lost plus like 15 more pounds. I've been trying my hardest to get back on track for months. Nothing works, and I just keep gaining more weight. I tried the baby steps thing (adding back in only water, cutting out soda, eating healthy meals) and it still falls. I'll eat healthy for half a day and then gorge at night. I make awesome plans to work out the next morning (even if only for 10 minutes!) and by the time I get up the next morning, the motivation has vanished and I go back to my sick cycle of crap food and feeling disgusting. I'm 232 pounds now. I feel like I'm so fat that I'm smothering, like my fat is preventing me from breathing.
And then I got mad at my boyfriend today. I told him when we first started dating (almost 2 months ago) that I wanted to get back into working out and losing weight, and he said he would support me. He asked me earlier this morning what I was going to be doing for the rest of the day. I said nothing, pretty much sitting on my ass. He asked me if I was gonna go walking to exercise and I said no. He said "why aren't you doing it when you have the time for it?" Of course, he's right... and he's just trying to motivate me... but now I'm just angry with him for some reason. Cause he called me out on my laziness I guess. I don't know. He means well, but I'm mad at myself and him calling me out on the fact that I keep talking and not taking action just made me even more mad.
I'm starting to think I'm a lost cause.