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old memories.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

i have to share. i was the biggest i had EVER been (not pregnant) on november 4th 2012. today i reached the weight i was my freshman year in high school. still not great, i was a big, big girl. i remember being in the doctor's office with my mother and they took my weight... i was 268. wow. next, my mother weighed in at 264. i couldn't believe it, and neither could she. she looked at me and said ''wow you weigh more than your mother now!'' and i don't think she meant it as hurtful as she said it.. i think she was more proud of herself than disappointed in me.. but yeah, that hurt. i loathed myself. i've actually chosen to forget most of my childhood BECAUSE of my weight.. i was always the fat girl. not the funny fat girl or the nice fat girl.. i was the fat girl that people would joke about their best friend kissing and everyone would shout ''EWWW'' my mother was far from present.. deep in drug addiction she kept me entertained with food and tv. it is what it is though... and only i can choose to change. unfortunately my bond with my mother and aunt will suffer. and my husband as well... we all bonded over eating. i don't have time for that anymore. i'm going to worry about myself and my children and building strong bonds between us. i'm going to work on my husband and i prey everyday that he will humor me in the end.. and like it.
it's bittersweet that i'm 268.8 lbs today. i've lost 16lbs and i'm proud of that. but it does remind me of the long, long journey i have to go. my next milestone is 251lbs. that is where i started losing weight when i was 17. once i get past 251, i will feel much better. 220 is what i'm looking forward to most.. that was when i was pretty comfortable. i think 200 is my magic number, though... and i'll probably try for 183.. just so i can know what it feels like to be a normal weight and not obese or overweight. we will see!
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