Thursday, November 29, 2012
Sometimes motivation comes from strange places. Like this morning...after figuring that I had completely blown this week - I step on the scale and it shows me a number I have not seen in weeks.
Huh. Maybe I won't give up yet.
I had a bad night on Monday - I made the mistake of drinking alone - and it went badly. I was stupid and didn't listen to my rational self when it said to stop and go to bed. I ended up hurting myself before getting the sense to call one of my friends to help talk me through the worst part. She also sent an SOS to Ben so he would know to come home from work pronto -which he did.
I have amazing people who love me and I'm still kicking myself for being so stupid. I just can't take any part of my mental health for granted - I ignored all of my triggers - and ended up in a mess. Lesson learned: I would have been much better served by taking any frustration out at the gym -or just even avoiding being alone when I felt so low- rather than going home to wallow.
(Sorry if this is TMI for you - I'm writing this mostly so that I have a physical reminder of what happens when I don't pay attention to warning signs. I am 'better' emotionally and mentally in the sense that I am much more stable and the minute I sobered up I regretted my actions. Not just that physically I'm going to have to deal with the cuts and such, but that, obviously, it left Ben and my friend really worried about me - a needless stress for them because 'that side' of me isn't who I identify with anymore. In general, I am in such a better place than I have been in the past - it's been years since I cut myself - and I've gone for months and months since feeling so low. I do not ever want to go back to that place. And yes - I am following a Dr's guideline for dealing with depression - I consider this a really bad slip.)
So - there are things that I just can't do. I can't be cavalier about alcohol. It's not a bad thing - in and of itself - but it can do bad things to me. If anything good can come out of this episode it's that I feel completely 'done' with drinking.
So - moving forward - I hope you are finding yourself in a good place this week.