Just when you need it the most...

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Sometimes motivation comes from strange places. Like this morning...after figuring that I had completely blown this week - I step on the scale and it shows me a number I have not seen in weeks.

Huh. Maybe I won't give up yet. emoticon

Confession Time:

I had a bad night on Monday - I made the mistake of drinking alone - and it went badly. I was stupid and didn't listen to my rational self when it said to stop and go to bed. I ended up hurting myself before getting the sense to call one of my friends to help talk me through the worst part. She also sent an SOS to Ben so he would know to come home from work pronto -which he did.

I have amazing people who love me and I'm still kicking myself for being so stupid. I just can't take any part of my mental health for granted - I ignored all of my triggers - and ended up in a mess. Lesson learned: I would have been much better served by taking any frustration out at the gym -or just even avoiding being alone when I felt so low- rather than going home to wallow.


(Sorry if this is TMI for you - I'm writing this mostly so that I have a physical reminder of what happens when I don't pay attention to warning signs. I am 'better' emotionally and mentally in the sense that I am much more stable and the minute I sobered up I regretted my actions. Not just that physically I'm going to have to deal with the cuts and such, but that, obviously, it left Ben and my friend really worried about me - a needless stress for them because 'that side' of me isn't who I identify with anymore. In general, I am in such a better place than I have been in the past - it's been years since I cut myself - and I've gone for months and months since feeling so low. I do not ever want to go back to that place. And yes - I am following a Dr's guideline for dealing with depression - I consider this a really bad slip.)

So - there are things that I just can't do. I can't be cavalier about alcohol. It's not a bad thing - in and of itself - but it can do bad things to me. If anything good can come out of this episode it's that I feel completely 'done' with drinking.

So - moving forward - I hope you are finding yourself in a good place this week.

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  • 4CYNDI
    So sorry to hear that you had a relapse into the scary self. I'm glad you learned from the experience. I too had an episode with alcohol I'm not proud of. However, I have vowed (and have kept it for almost a year now) to never let myself get into that position again. And I won't. I never ever want to feel that way again.

    Glad you found a way to turn it into a positive, a reminder of who you are and want to be. You also found some of the triggers. Congrats!
    1935 days ago
  • DOODIE59
    Jean, I always tell my kids it was only a wasted moment if you learned nothing from it. You recognize very clearly that you don't want to go "there" again, that you backslid and now REALLY know you won't do it again. Big hugs to you, you must have been feeling very vulnerable. Be as kind as you can possibly be to yourself:) Hugs,
    1935 days ago
    I know exactly what you're talking about here. Sorry you had to go through this, but sometimes you have to in order to realize that, like you said, you're just DONE with whatever it is (drinking).

    I've definitely been there, not so much on the hurting myself, but on the continuing to drink even though there's no reason to, just stay up drinking wine and watching tv or reading and knowing that with every sip I take instead of going to bed that I'll pay doubly for it the next day (and couple days if you count the depression that lingers even after the hangover is gone).

    It sucks but hang in there! You know what you need to do and even if you had a little slip, it will just more firmly implant in you the desire to not let it happen again!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1936 days ago
  • MARTY728
    emoticon emoticon It is NEVER TMI. Let it all flow and you will find it is easier to let it all go!
    1936 days ago
    my heart went out for you.... yes! so glad you have a "support group" and then.. a big congrats on seeing that "number"! ain't it cool? hang in there...
    1936 days ago
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