I am going back over the Intuitive Eating book and hitting back over some of the highlights I have made throughout the book (and trust me, there are a LOT of marks in there!!) and I found myself re-reading the section on Awakening the Intuitive Eater: Stages. Basically therre are five stages:

Readiness - Hitting Diet Bottom.
Exploration - Conscious Learning and the Pursuit of Pleasure
Crystallization
The Intuitive Eater Awakens
The Final Stage - Treasure the Pleasure

In reading this, I am happy to see that I am moving through the stages. I find myself right now between 3 and 4. I am feeling some of the exploration starting to subside and it is starting to feel more "normal" I am not in such a hyperconscious stage of constant "am I hungry?" "what sounds good" etc. I am gaining that sense of trust in myself, albiet slowly, but I have come a long way from where I was. I am finding myself starting to slow down a bit more in the middle of a meal, take a quick mental note on where my fullness level is and finding it easier and easier to be able to walk away from a meal, no matter what is left on my plate. During this stage, if there is a lot of weight to be lost (which I don't have a lot comparatively) the loss will start to occur, if not maintenance is normally achieved and I can see that. I am not/have not gained from what I can tell. My jeans still fit like they always have and I don't feel any "puffier" than normal. Again, I have nothing to go on but by how my clothes are fitting since I haven't been on the scale (good riddance) but it is how I feel. Weight loss typically starts to occur in the 4th stage where intuitive eating is just a second nature thing so I will be curious to see if I lose any or if this is where my setpoint weight is.

It is extremely freeing to not focus on the scale, weight or any other external factors to determine how I am doing. It is hard sometimes and the draw of the scale is pretty great at times, but it is lessening. I find that the times I am tempted just throwing something on top of the scale is typically all the deterrent I need. I love the fact that the basis of how my day is going to go doesn't hinge on that number anymore. It feels good. I feel good, because of how I FEEL, not by what the scale says.

I am finding that just by putting my emphasis on the process and just enjoying it, enjoying eating again, staying focused on the here and now and not the outcome, I am finding it extremely enlightening and rewarding. I am relishing the feelings of pure curiosity over judgement. Not tracking foods, exercising based off of what feels good at any given time instead of what the 90 day program tells me what I need to do. It is so liberating. I love focusing on exercise and seeing it as a challenge to do what feels good on any given day. I am finding lately that being challenged by yoga has been pretty flipping cool. I love how yoga makes me feel, the gentleness of it (no joint impact) but the challenge all at the same time. I feel good. I feel happy. I feel that I am well on my way toward more self acceptance. It is a slow, painfully slow process. But one I am committed to. I want to be happy with myself. I am tired of the petty comments I make about my outward appearance. I like that I am getting to that point that I can look at myself and when those voices pipe up, remind myself that I am a 36 year old with four kids. I like that I can remind myself that yes, I can be nice to me, too. Talk to myself in the same gentle way that I would my kids or husband. With kindness, compassion and respect. It feels good.

I don't know if I will lose any more. I am working to a point that I can just be happy with where I am, realizing that I am fit, strong, athletic to a point. But thinking that this is probably not my body's natural setpoint weight. Knowing that I have probably altered that over past dieting that I have done and that I just need to be patient with the process and allow things to happen as they will. I can do this. I can. I can find that self acceptance and be at peace with it, not trying to seek out something else.