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Saying 'Goodbye' (fat pics)

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Thank you all so much for your amazing support on my blog requesting help! I live in fear of the 'fat girl' inside, who consumed everything in sight... including the majority of my life!
A constant in the thread of amazing support that you all had to offer was that you said, "Look at how much you have accomplished!" and "Look how far you have come!"

It inspired me to search through my pictures to find proof of where I have been... not that I could ever forget.

It was not easy for me to find 'fat' pictures because I would never allow my picture to be taken. Most of these are from pregnancy and the early childhood of my daughters. I kinda had to force myself to allow my picture to be taken for my girls. But even in pregnancy there was never an excuse for me to be as big as I was.

So here is a virtual walk down memory lane.

I did not start out obese. I was a 'normal' toddler.


When I started school (I hated school), I began to comfort myself with food. In this picture I am not considered overweight by today's standards. But when I was a young'n, fat children were difficult to find. The teasing began very young for me.


It didn't take long for my misery to manifest. I realize it could have been much, much worse. But I developed an incredible addiction to food at this young of an age. And the psychological damage it did to me, in addition to the physical consequences, were devastating.



After that age ^^^, I have no pictoral record of my adolescence because I refused to allow my picture to be taken.
However, this was taken when I was about 15 or 16. It was the "thinnest" I had been in my youth. I was about 160 lbs and worked at Burger King. So that didn't last long!


During the Atkins craze, I "slimmed down"... I was about 170 lbs or so when I graduated nursing school. I remember I used to think I was so skinny!


I was Maid of Honor in my girlfriend's wedding. I was about 190 lbs in this picture.


This is a picture of this same friend and I from this last trip to Ohio during Thanksgiving


This is me at work. I'm not quite my heaviest here... but pretty close



Pregnant with my first


Home with first daughter



Random face shot


Face shot of me at about 157 lbs (big difference!)


July 16 2007- the birthday of my second daughter (and approx 2 weeks before I "snapped" at my highest non-preg weight of 271 lbs... and the day I decided to turn things around)


In the hospital after birth





This was about a year and half after beginning my weight loss journey. I was about 180-190 lbs here. I thought I was so thin! Relatively speaking... I guess I was!


And this was only two years ago on my trip to Israel! I was about 175 lbs here (again... thought I was so thin!)


You all have helped me so much today by kindling the flame of desire to take an objective look at the journey I have traveled. It has been long, hard, and painful indeed! I have come way too far to allow myself to wallow in misery over an indiscretion as slight as a bag of peanut M&Ms! It's just so hard to keep things in perspective sometimes!
And on the other hand, these pictures serve as a reminder of what I WILL NOT allow myself to go back to! It is so easy to gain weight once you have already developed the fat cells to carry the weight in the first place. But while I must remain on guard to a major extent... I MUST keep the 'big picture' in mind as I seek peace within myself, within this world, and within my self- as a whole. An individual!!

This is my triumph and I will not go back to the shame and agony of what I was before. I have evolved! And I'm officially saying "Goodbye" to the nagging fat girl inside of me. I know she will always be there but I will not give her victory or glory!! I WILL overcome!

This is me at 147 lbs.


And this is me at my thinnest- just recently... about 141-142 lbs!!






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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

2PB4JSNM 12/5/2012 8:23PM

    Wow! Look at you! Your determination and tenacity are amazing! I love your stretching picture! You're fit and flexible!

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IRONBLOSSOM 12/5/2012 6:27PM

    Holy bejebus you are AMAZING! Seriously, your story gives me, and I'm sure many, a lot of hope. :-)

Thanks for sharing.
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ARCHIMEDESII 12/5/2012 12:20PM

    WOW ! What an absolutely fantastic blog ! Congratulations on your achievement of a healthy lifestyle.

I too was a chubby child who was teased for being overweight because I wasn't one of the kids who was super skinny. I was an easy target. Learning to love and appreciate my body took years. But, like you, I'm grateful for the progress I've made over the years.

I love your graduation photo from nursing school. I can't tell you the last time I saw a nurse wearing that type of cap when I would go to the doctor's for my check ups.

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MIPALADY23 12/5/2012 12:02PM

    Nice work on creating a Healthy Lifestyle!! SWEET SUCCESS!

Remember you can do anything you set your mind to.
Commit to it. One tiny step at a time to live healthier physically and mentally!!

*♥´¨)
¸ .• ♥ ´¸.•*♥´¨)
(¸.•♥´ (¸ ;.•♥ Kelly ♥•¸ .
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Sweet Success!! Goals & Planning are everything to reach your dream!
Don’t be a gingerbread woman, be a ROCKSTAR!
www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_pu
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I’m that person…Apologizing right up front!
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JENNY160 12/3/2012 10:01PM

    All I can say is WOW. Congratulations on the product of all your hard work. Sing it loud and proud sister, cuz you deserve all the kudos you can get! I don't even want M&Ms now. The little b@st=rds aren't worth it. Funny how transformation pics can do that.

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CHUNKYMONKEY36 11/30/2012 11:09PM

    I was feeling a little defeated today. After seeing your blog I'm so inspired to keep fighting because because I want to be able to inspire other people someday. You look amazing and I'm sure you feel even better, be so PROUD!!!

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CELLISTA1 11/30/2012 8:50PM

    You are absolutely gorgeous, and your kids are lucky to have such an awesome mom. Because you suffered a lot of pain growing up, you will have so much empathy with your kids as they experience the joys and difficulties of life. Congratulations for both your physical accomplishments and your wisdom.
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JADOMB 11/30/2012 7:15PM

    Awesome sweetie, you've done great things. I can tell by the many blogs and comments that you are beautiful to the bone. You were wrapped differently and I'm sure put up with much pain. But now you are healthy and fit and your beauty is coming to the surface. I'm proud of you.

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HEALTHY4ME 11/30/2012 7:09PM

    Wow those are gereat pics and you have come a long way and should be very proud. Btw the puppy you are holding with the horse behind you, is similar to ours only ours is a bit redder.
HUGS you have done great!!!1

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MISSB8604 11/30/2012 6:43PM

    Congratulations! You've worked hard and you deserve to enjoy the fruits of your hard work. I wish you the absolute best! emoticon

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NIKKICOLE83 11/30/2012 6:23PM

    Though you were heavier, you were very pretty. I like the 147 lb you or more my fiance would love if I was able to do what you were doing in that picture, wearing that two piece, looking like you! emoticon You have come a mighty long way. It is great to keep in mind how you felt at 271 pounds so that you don't fall into old habits. Howver, you are a different person than you were then. You can have a bag of M&M's. You will not wake up 130 lbs heavier.

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GOPINTOS 11/30/2012 6:13PM

    A-mazing!!!!!

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EUEK098 11/30/2012 6:09PM

    You have come so far, proud of you

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MARATEIXEIRA 11/30/2012 12:16PM

    Congratulations!!! I came across your blog today and I am so inspired by your journey that I hope can post my before and after pictures soon. Thank you for sharing emoticon

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EMMYLOU010409 11/30/2012 9:36AM

    Congratulations on all of your hard work. You were-- and continue to be-- so persistent. Keep up the amazing work! Inspiration!

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RLT5089 11/30/2012 5:12AM

    You really look fantastic! I'm the same weight as you currently but you look much slimmer! I'm hoping that I'm like 6 inches shorter than you haha. Absolutely love your pics and your story, congrats on all your hard work!

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SALLY_MANDER 11/29/2012 8:46PM

    You look so incredible! Congratulations!

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SHMARA 11/29/2012 8:21PM

    You are amazing! It's really cool to see pictures of your journey, and very inspiring. You are beautiful emoticon

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IRP1114 11/29/2012 5:11PM

    Amazing. You rock. Keep up the great work. You look fabulous girl! Stop being afraid. You are not that person anymore. Thank you for sharing and inspiring others here with your journey.

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SDLEE514 11/29/2012 4:03PM

    Despite these being your "fat" pictures, what I see is an animal lover and a wonderful mom. You are an inspiration and a beautiful person inside and out!

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KRISTEN_SAYS 11/29/2012 3:46PM

    Thank you for sharing these! Your story is so inspiring!

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FITBECKSRN24 11/29/2012 3:30PM

    you look amazing and you should be SO proud of the person you've morphed into. you look so much happier, your more confident; it shows through all those pics as you become more fit and healthier!!

such a great story and one i can relate to as i struggled with binging as a child as well. im not really sure where it manifests from. but its definitely a life long struggle. xoxo

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RAMONAFLOWERZ 11/29/2012 2:26PM

    WOW! Just.... WOW!

Look how far you've come! Great job!

You're strong and you're beautiful - and most importantly, you know yourself. Sometimes we need these little setbacks to put us in check, to force us to keep moving forward.

I know whenever I need a boost, I pull out one *very specific* picture taken on a very important day in my history. The day my life was tossed upside down and started me on this journey once again. It's important to have those reality checks, you know?

GREAT POST!

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BEEKERBOYY 11/29/2012 1:20PM

    What a great journey in pictures! Thank you soooo much! It is inspirational, motivational and awesome, truly awesome. Let go and forgive yourself for the LITTLE slips.... you will never be that fat girl again.

I totally resonate with that "fat person" thing, except mine is backwards. I was never overweight/obese as a child or young adult. My trek into fat-hood happened after my divorce, being put on psychotropic medications around the age of 32-33. It wrecked my metabolism and whatever else those drugs do. I am still on them, and am now obese. I can't shake it! But I keep trying trying trying. You are a power of example to me, because I have a "fat-adult" image in my head that I fight with! Keep blogging! I totally love it too!
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DAUGHTEROFTWIN 11/29/2012 12:57PM

    Thank you! I've got my eye on you, girl. emoticon

I appreciate your open honesty in your blogs and replies. This is a difficult journey for us all. I don't want to be deluded into thinking it's all rainbows and unicorns once I reach my goal weight. This will be a lifelong issue. How do we find peace with food? Keep plugging away and blazing the trail for the rest of us. I look forward to reaching maintenance and sharing my success with you too.

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MARTY728 11/29/2012 12:32PM

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RUNNERRACHEL 11/29/2012 12:26PM

    You've made an amazing transformation.

We are not going back to the past and it's good to remind ourselves of how far we've come. My highest known weight was 182...I will never go back to that. I may stroll down memory lane when I feel like skipping a workout or eating something that will not help my healthy lifestyle.

You have always been beautiful but you are vibrant and healthy and active now. I am sure you feel so much better.

Great job on all you've done and will continue to do. Very inspiring to see the beauty emerging from those photos. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SADWHITEWOLF 11/29/2012 10:54AM

    You have both reminded me how far I have come and how far I have still to go.
But you have shown me that I CAN.
Thank you!

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SUN_N_SEA 11/29/2012 10:42AM

    Wonderful, wonderful blog!! Thank you so much for sharing... you have done AMAZINGLY!! It seems that while you were seeking to motivate yourself recounting this journey, you have also successfully inspired the rest of us!!

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OOLALA53 11/29/2012 10:04AM

    Your essence was always there and was and is lovable. I know that sounds hollow but I see it so clearly. "Thin" is an inside job when it means "I'm okay." Thank goodness you did think of yourself as thin in the 190's and 170's, etc. It doesn't mean you'll go back because you could never be comfortable eating the way that would take you there. But you deserve to feel at peace with yourself, but that goes beyond pictures and food. I'm convinced that is the real journey. I'm so glad you can let go of the guilt over the candy, but also see that you may be able to let go of it even before eating it the next time the urge comes because they just don't add to your peace. Or five times from now. It will happen. emoticon

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GINGERHAWK 11/29/2012 9:48AM

    That is a seriously incredible transformation. I hope as you typed this you were struck with pride. You've worked hard and it shows. You rock!

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BOOKWORM27S 11/29/2012 8:55AM

    Wow, what an amazing journey! Thank you for sharing. Our childhood pictures are so similar, though I was almost double your weight at 15. I'm the same way, so few of my "fat pictures" survived. Either I avoided the camera or destroyed the photos if I found them.

I'm so glad that looking back at these pictures has helped you move on.

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CHRISTINASP 11/29/2012 8:52AM

    I'm almost holding my breath watching these pics! Thank you for sharing.
Did you write (post in your blog) about how you did this? What made you turn around? What method(s) did you use to lose all that weight? I may have missed if you have posted about it.
WONDERFUL job. ((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
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I'm also thinking that you may still need to get used to looking and being so different now. I've never gone through such a big change. I do know that after I lost about 50 lbs I needed to truly 'get used' to my 'new' face and appearance. You mentioned something like this yesterday. I am wondering if maybe you could google this and see if there is help, books, advice for those who have lost so much?

Comment edited on: 11/29/2012 8:54:46 AM

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LEB0401 11/29/2012 8:22AM

    You don't even look like the same person!!!!!!!!!


This is really inspiring. I'm not married nor do I have any children yet, but when I think about what the future holds in those aspects I get really scared. Society tells us that once you have children, you lose your youth and beauty. But.. the evidence is clear here. You look young, vibrant, beautiful.. and you've got 2 kids!

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DEE797 11/29/2012 7:57AM

    Thanks so much for sharing your journey with us. You are an inspiration to those of us who are struggling and haven't seen the light at the end of the tunnel just yet. emoticon

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ERIN1957 11/29/2012 5:30AM

    I love this blog, your story time line and how far you have come. What a beautiful journey.
Your past pictures tell a beautiful story and you were pretty then too. But look at where you have worked so hard to get to and look ahead where your journey will take you..amazing, absolutely amazing.
One other thing you have done that is not so visual is; you have done it with grace and class, you have worked hard openly, honestly and with such honor.
Honoring yourself and your beliefs, never playing games or attention seeking. You have done this journey with honoring yourself as well as others.
This journey for you has been healthy in all areas; body, mind and spirit. You never dropped the ball in your wholeness and with this you will continue moving forward. I am so proud of you!
Love ya kiddo,
Erin

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SEPTEMBERSPIRIT 11/29/2012 4:27AM

    What an amazing and inspiring journey! Thank you for sharing!! For now, I have to 'get to my goal' because while at times I feel skinny - and see pictures of myself, I know I have a ways to go.

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BLOOMINGLENA 11/29/2012 3:44AM

    You have done a great journey and you look so pretty and young! You look like a model! Your story and your feelings as described reminded me of myself and you are an inspiration to me as I start my journey but can't find the strength inside me to overcome the obstacles. Keep it up! You are amazing! Thank you for sharing your story and inspiring us!
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DAWN14163 11/29/2012 1:56AM

    As others have said, a-maz-ing !!!
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NUOVAELLE 11/29/2012 1:32AM

    My turn to say thank you! This is the first blog I'm reading this morning - I was actually alerted by the title and I clicked on it right away thinking "where is she going?" But this is the best inspiration I could have hoped for!!!
Your transformation is A M A Z I N G ! No need to tell you how much younger you look, I'm sure you know that.
We're looking at a miracle right now. A miracle that YOU created. Putting huge amounts of work and strength on the road that led to victory.
Don't worry. M&M's just served as a reminder. They stand no chance of winning!
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GOING-STRONG 11/29/2012 1:00AM

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ROCKMAN6797 11/29/2012 12:43AM

    If this doesn't motivate you....you have had an awesome journey, one that you ought to be proud of and one that continues to motivate you to even greater achievements. I love these picture blogs, your pictures tell an amazing story!!

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SPUNKYDUCKY 11/29/2012 12:25AM

    I always find photoblogs so incredibly inspiring! The change externally is unbelievable, keeping working on the change inside - it will be incredible as well!

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ALLISON145 11/29/2012 12:04AM

    This is an awesome blog.. I'll have to do something similar when I get back close to goal. Glad to see I'm not the only one to bounce around in weight before finally figuring things out.

On a side note - at what weight did you get your abdominoplasty done? I'm planning on it too, but not until I get to goal ··· now I'm wondering if I could do it sooner with good results?

Allison

Comment edited on: 11/29/2012 12:05:20 AM

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ANDYLIN90 11/29/2012 12:03AM

    Wow...this blog certainly resonated with me. I certainly identify with not wanting pictures taken and the shame and embarrassment of being obese. You are a beautiful woman inside and out and the picture of you with your knees bent back is awesome. Thanks for posting.

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MAGGIEVAN 11/29/2012 12:02AM

    What an achievement. My compliments and congrats. Thank you for sharing. I hope everyone on Spark will look at your blog. I just want to say you are a very beautiful lady even when you had the extra pounds. Now you are stunning. Way to go!!!

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MYRTROSE 11/28/2012 11:52PM

    This brought tears to my eyes. It is so painful for me to look back at pictures from my youth.
When you talk about the pain and suffering you endured, I wish I could reach out and tell that little girl not to give up hope.
Look at the beautiful, empowered woman you are now! Did you ever think that could happen?
Awesome blog!

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FLAMENM 11/28/2012 11:50PM

    Bye, bye fat girl.
You are such an inspiration!

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STUDLEEJOE 11/28/2012 11:38PM

    emoticon emoticon Thank you for sharing your great story with us.

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RHEYNKLAW 11/28/2012 11:37PM

    I wish SP had a TOTALLY LOVE button!

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