needing a better way to live
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
I was doing really well for a little while, maybe a month, and I've slipped up again. I have a hard time coming onto sparkpeople... I don't use my PC much anymore and I don't like using their mobile site for one, but MOSTLY I have a hard time coming back here and admitting over and over and over again how I can't seem to get a handle on this. That time when I had a handle on my diet and exercise, that time when I had self control and confidence when it came to losing weight and being a better me seems far away now.
Every day is a battle for me. Every single day. I know I'm not alone, I know other people suffer the way I do.
I've said it before a million times- I wish I could completely quit eating food. Its a drug for me. I want it to feel good. Emotionally. I want to sew my mouth shut.
Right at this moment I'm a bit of a wreck. I'm in overeaters anonymous again, I have a sponsor too, but I don't want to reach out to anyone. I'm ashamed. I just got done emptying my house of any food that was sweet and salty into my own gut.
I have high cholesterol now. After being on this site for over 6 years I'm a higher weight and now have high cholesterol. Its not this site's fault, I'm not saying that at all. I have this wonderful tool sitting right here in front of me. I want to try and recreate this time in my life when I was exercising, living well, eating well... but at this point my life is so different, it can't happen that way. It has to be a new way. I like using my fitness pal to track my calories, but seriously I'm about to just start over new here on sparkpeople again. I'm scared saying that because I'm afraid it won't last and I will end up writing this blog post over again...
You guys, I have to figure this out. I have to find A BETTER WAY TO LIVE. I can't live this way anymore. I'm so tired of obsessing about my food every single day. Being a slave to cravings, feeling tired and miserable. I'm so overweight my knees are killing me. Every time I try to work out I'm in so much pain afterward. I'm not injured, I'm just fat. Out of shape. I know this paragraph will prompt people to give me advice about things that are hurting my knees... like wearing shoes in the house, getting nice shoes, exercising my knees... I've thought of all that. I got new shoes, got good inserts for them, I'm not 100% when it comes to wearing shoes in the house every day but I try to remember.
The worst thing is the exhaustion. I'm so tired. I say that all the time. I have a 7 month old baby and a 3 year old, yeah, but I don't think I'm supposed to be this tired. I can't even move some days. If i could lay in bed and sleep all day I would. I've been to the doctor, got a work up on everything, the only thing that came back bad was my cholesterol and its only over by a little bit. Not even enough to need medication. BUT DUDE. I gotta change. I gotta turn my health around. I don't want to die early. I can't feel like this anymore.
I'm feeling sorry for myself. Crying. Not a great place to be. Not a lot of hope coming out of my head right now. I just want to curl up in God's lap and cry. I wish I could just not be like this. God help me! I need you!
I'm going to make a plan for tomorrow right now, send it to my sponsor, so I have something to go to when I wake up in the morning. Please dear Jesus help me. I need some hope!
Goals for tomorrow:
30 minutes of exercise
15 min of strength for my knees
take my vitamins
take my antidepressant
drink a glass of water before each meal
avoid sugar and flour completely
GET OUT OF THE HOUSE
track calories and exercise
sign into spark and write
read other blogs and encourage
Okay. I'm gonna send this to my sponsor and go to a meeting. I have to start somewhere. Starting over sucks!