Such a mixture of emotions in blogging
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
So when I was an active member a few years back I was blogging almost daily or at least every other. I loved blogging. And then I stopped being here and every time I came back I would post a blog and eventually I stopped believing in my own attempted efforts to get back on track. I felt like my intentions were so good but my actions wouldnt/ couldnt follow. I have been a mess for several years. Like just in the last year feeling mentally capable of being myself and then learning to love myself and all these grown up decisions I have had to make when all I wanted was to let anyone else decide my life.... anyway, I have thought about blogging but felt it was like cursing myself or jinxing myself. However, I have now been back awhile and I post a blog sometimes. And you know what? Im still here lol. So I figured why not think about blogging more often again.
Anyway, I sat here looking at the screen, feeling totally lost and decided to read some of my old posts. WOW!! First of all, I almost cried. And then I felt sorta numb inside, remembering the hell that started while I was here before and the hell that continued after I left. Such a whirlwind of emotions came over me. And I feel embarressed and sad for this girl I was, and knowing how many people shared in those empty lost broken moments. So many of you were there with me...so many who I then lost touch with and abandoned so I could hide out in my dark corner of the world. And I know it is like 3 years later but I just want to say thank you to everyone who cared and prayed and was there for me. Thank you for allowing me to vent and scream and be angry all while trying to focus on exercise and weight and the then new baby. And I want to say sorry for all the friends I left behind. And now thank you again to those same friends who still love me and understand me and have accepted me back. It is overwhelming. But it is because of all this that I think I am ready to take on the world of blogging again. It is healthy for me. It is something I need.
Thats it for now. (Just a little random mid morning babbling about what is on my mind lol)