Struggling with lack of excitement, but continuing my journey
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
I'm trying to figure out where exactly my head is the past few days. Last week, if you had asked me how I would feel and react to being in the next lower 10's digit, I would have told you "ecstatic", "dancing around the room", "thrilled!", and oh so many more adjectives. Instead, I've been in a state of disbelief since Friday morning and I cannot explain it for the life of me.
Nana Cleary and her friend JayJay took Bethany to dinner on Friday night. As soon as they were out of the driveway, we hopped in my car to go to JCPenny's at the mall. Mike was in desperate need of a coat and I thought that I would like a smaller one than the 1X hanging in the coat closet. I do have a large in the coat closet that fits, but it's very old. I don't remember the last time it fit. Attaining the next 10's mark and being on track for Thanksgiving were HUGE and I felt that just maybe I could/should reward myself. The problem was not particularly that the jackets didn't fit, but none of them fit me through the bust. It was very frustrating. The mediums even fit until I zipped up over my bust. The larges and even the extra larges were all tight in the bust. I felt so deflated and defeated. Here I was down 34 pounds from my tank weight and I still couldn't get my bust into a winter coat. Frustration felt like failure. A pink Faux Leather coat was calling my name as I walked past it! I had to try it on. Of course, it fit and felt great! It will sit in the closet to the spring, but it did feel good to get a little treat. Mike found an extra long tall jacket that looked great on him.
Saturday while we were putting up decorations in the house, I felt this overwhelming feeling of wanting to change things up this year. There's been so many changes around here since August that it's amazing. It started with my head and the diet and gym for my own personal improvement and growth. It continued with selling the boat and truck in the beginning of September. Then, we traded in the trailer for a much bigger one and put it seasonal at the beach. We bought new fall decorations for the house which added a new look and warmth. Mike and I have both said that it just feels like the time for changes all around. The Christmas decorations were the next thing I wanted to change.
As looked through each book and unwrapped all of the old Christmas decorations, some of them held no appeal to me whatsoever. Some have been placed in the same vicinity year after year. It has become rote pulling off all the year-round decorations from shelves and walls replacing them with their Christmas counterparts. The desire to have something new for Christmas decor overwhelmed me.
Saturday afternoon we ventured over to Pier 1 Imports and found some beautiful decorations. Home Goods was our next stop. After spinning in circles, the two us decided to take an inventory of what we had at home before buying anything more.
Upon completing the emptying of all the boxes with decorations spread out in the living room on Sunday morning, we were ready to venture out one last time. This time we went back to Home Good. I felt myself picking out thing that I really liked, but were very different from the type of decor we've had for years. The decorations that didn't make the cut are currently sitting in a storage box. Their ultimate destination hasn't been determined yet, but I can confidently say they are now retired.
I'm not really sure what has sparked the changes that have been happening over the past few months. I have been changing inside and out. Mike has been extremely supportive of my dieting and exercise program. He hasn't given me much of a hard time about not having certain "fun" food for now. His craving for pizza overtook him yesterday at lunch time so he went to Walmart to get a pizza for Bethany and himself. There was absolutely no desire on my part for that crappy looking pizza. I'm at the point that I have to have something really really good, in order to wander off my path. Walmart pizza wasn't it although it made the two of them happy.
When I joined Workout Club and signed up for the personal trainer, the district manager of the personal trainer as well as the manager of the Club kept asking me if I was excited. I kept expressing to anyone and everyone that asked that I was not the least bit "excited", but more of a feeling of resolve. This is what I was going to do. I will become on the outside what I feel like on the inside. I've always felt like a thin person in a fat person's body. I'm on a journey to have the image I have of myself become a reality.
In my funk yesterday, I put on 4 pairs of shorts that I wore over the summer. They are all huge on me and I could pull them down with the buttons done and the zippers up. I remember wearing 3 out of 4 of the pairs with the buttons undone because either I couldn't button them or it hurt my stomach too much to sit with them buttoned. The fourth pair was a different story. The waist band is made out of elastic so they stretch. When I pulled them on, they fell down to the middle of my stomach without any help. I looked through the pictures from this summer, I tried to find any with these shorts. There weren't any at all. I want to venture up to the attic and find the outfit I have on from the family picture in July.
As I stood staring into the mirror wearing my favorite pair of blue plaid shorts, I saw fear in my eyes. The fear is ingrained within me that something will happen to get in the way of my plan such as another hospital visit. I never want those shorts to ever fit again. I have failed at this so many times that somewhere deep in there is the fear of failing again. My mind feels different this time. I'm looking for support where I can find it when I need it. That has been a HUGE difference for me. Writing my blog is helping my focus.
This morning in my cluttered mind, I found the article on 4 Steps to Lasting Behavioral Change.
1.Observe your own actions and their effect
2.Analyze what you observe
3.Strategizes an action plan
I have been observing over and over again the many failed attempts to "try" to lose weight. When I sat down to analyze what had happened over and over and why it didn't work over and over, I knew that something had to change. I needed to do something different. This is when I came up with the Diet and Exercise strategy. I haven't tried it before, but I have heard in every single diet out there (I mean the ones that aren't pills or fads) that you need both. Everyone has heard my action plan. There's more in the article, but I felt it just sums me up right now.
My conclusion today about why I'm lacking in the excitement that I thought I would feel is that I'm continuing on my journey. I'm about halfway to where I want to be. I'm still quite overweight - there's no getting around that! I was a bit excited at 30 pounds. I was excited the last time I did measurements and pictures. I will be much more excited, I think, when I get down more and more. OR maybe not... maybe I will feel like I do today... I still have a ways to go. There are many challenges coming up over the next month. Next weekend we have the first baby shower in the family. In a few weeks, we will meet one of my nephew's fiances at a dinner. Then there's Christmas Eve and Christmas. I'm feeling a bit anxious about all those dates as I sit here and type them. I made it through Thanksgiving, but I don't want to feel overly confident. This is an ongoing process that I need to constantly think about and prepare myself for.
Thanks for reading my blog today!