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When Life Gives You Lemons...

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

I know how to be healthy. I know what to do and what not to do. I've known for 2 years. I'm not an expert by no means, but I do feel well educated in the knowledge of health and how to live a healthy life.

Here's the deal. I think I have a problem. I think I obsess over food and being healthy. I think that it's to the point of being on that very tiny and vague line of being mentally unhealthy. I try not to talk about it, I'm actually slightly embarrassed. People do nothing but congratulate my success and tell me how awesome I'm doing and all I can do is smile and think in my big noggin, "They have no idea what they're talking about. Look at all this fat hanging from your body. You're gross." Yeah I do that.

I know it's sad and I'm actually in the process of seeking out some help when it comes to my self esteem issues. I have major body image problems and it bothers me in the fact that I have accomplished a lot physically, but the mental side of me will not let me enjoy my success. I am my own enemy. I'll look in the mirror and hate my body. I have excess skin, it bothers me extremely. I tell myself that I'll eventually get skin reduction surgery, no biggie. But then some days I put on jeans and see that little pinch of muffin top and want to crawl back in bed and cry for days.

I understand this isn't healthy and like I said I am seeking help. I just had to get it off my chest. I'm struggling with depression at the moment. This current cycle I've joined has become very trying on my normal chipper and upbeat self. But I have friends and family supporting me. My sister, Cory, Leslie, they're all here. And I am very grateful for this.

Now that we're down with the mental, let's start with the physical hardships that I have endured.

I started passing out and having seizures every so often some several months back. I haven't a clue why, I'm suppose to be healthy. My health is my life, as you can tell in the past paragraphs. I've seen a few doctors, taken a few tests, no one knows what's causing what I like to call "spells".

So I was refereed to a neurologist and she has set me up with 3 tests that I have appointments for in the next few weeks. The test include a MRI, this is the one I am truly afraid of. I've had several nightmares the last few days over this. I'm extremely claustrophobic...EXTREMELY. So that one is not going to be fun at all. Next I have to where a heart monitor for 24 hours, and lastly I have to have a Sleep Deprived EEG test. No more than 4 hours of sleep the night before, no caffeine and my appointment is not until 11AM. Exciting I know.

I'm hoping that I get good news from this or more frankly any news would be amazing. All the other doctors have simply said that they did not know what was going on. It baffles them. Hell, I'm completely baffled myself. Each time I've passed out I've had to go to the ER cause I hit the floor, hard. Yay Doctor Bills!

Cory has been very caring and patient with me. I am truly lucky to have someone like him in my life. He's awesome.

So that's what's going on in my slice of heaven, but I know that I'll get through it. I always do. And hopefully I'll come out even stronger.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PAPER_WINGS18 11/30/2012 1:19PM

    Ugh I am so sorry you are having such difficulties right now! I def admire your attitude though, if that's worth anything! :) You are a strong girl, and will push through this! I am sure the doctors will figure it out in no time. Let me know if you need anything!!!

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CHODGES83 11/29/2012 3:45PM

    Thanks for sharing! I hope it helped just to get it out here. Our brains play a lot of tricks on us. Bravo for taking steps to help yourself. Keep us posted. We're all here for you!

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APED7969 11/29/2012 5:31AM

    Having a brother, neice, and a good friend with seizures I know it can be scary stuff! There's lots of wonderful drugs out there that can fix you up if needed. Hopefully the MRI or EEg sheds some light on things. You're stronger than your fear of closed spaces so take this a chance to prove it to yourself. I am super afraid of heights but went skydiving. Not quite sure how I did it, I think I took a lot of deep breaths and told myself something along the lines of 'man up, this isn't that bad' and that worked. It helps me to know I could do that whenever I have to do something at heights again.

I hope talking to someone helps with the depression. It is hard for the mind to catch up to how beautiful your body looks now. Sometimes when I get bummed about not being able to fit in something or look good in something I remind myself that while I may look my idea of perfect my body can do awesome things like run a marathon or do 100 pushups and really that's more important.

Keep us updated on the results, fingers crossed for good news :-)



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BEXXYOH 11/28/2012 11:22PM

    I haven't read all the comments so someone might have mentioned this, but some of my patients will have their docs prescribe something to help them relax before an MRI, especially if they're claustrophobic. Just a thought lady.

It takes our minds so very long to catch up to where our bodies are. I'm sorry that you're going through this. You are such an inspiration to me, and I think you're beautiful. You've come such a very long way! Take care- sending good thoughts your way!

Comment edited on: 11/28/2012 11:23:07 PM

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FAITH__IN__ME 11/28/2012 8:43PM

    It starts with loving you body, regardless of size, that way, as you shrink, you'll continue to love your body. Learn to love your body, I think that will really produce a more positive result for you.

As for the MRI, close your eyes and just breath. It will be over before you know it!!!

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PANDASUE2 11/28/2012 11:40AM

    First and foremost. Get healthy! I'm glad you're going to see doctors for your seizures... that's scary stuff. I hope they figure it out. Also, I'm glad you're going to see someone for your self esteem issues too. I went to see a therapist once I lost my weight and it did help a bit. I have been poor, so i haven't gone back, but they will help you!
I hear ya though when you say you feel like you're unhealthy about the obsessing. I do it too. I freak out if I don't get to the gym or I freak out if I just ate way more than I was supposed to. I didn't know that losing this weight was going to come with this huge stigma of over obsessing. Get rid of one problem and start with another. :-/ I'm not glad that we're in the same boat, but I just want you to know that you're not alone.

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SHRINKING_SARA 11/28/2012 11:21AM

    Its always the worst when the doctors can't figure out immediately what's wrong. With the MRI -- talk to your doctor and see if there's an open MRI that you could use instead. If she can't -- see if they can give you a little anti-anxiety meds right before you go in so that you're more relaxed. They honestly work wonders for stuff. I have to have my arm skin revision surgery in two weeks with just valium and locals!

Getting rid of my arm skin was great for my self esteem -- but I still have my belly skin. I couldn't afford to do everything. That still drives me insane and fuels most of the negative thoughts I have about my body. So you're not alone. We are al here with you!

Get better!

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GIRLATWORK 11/28/2012 11:09AM

    I hope the tests come back ok :\

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EMMYLOU010409 11/28/2012 9:38AM

    Thank you for sharing! Stay strong, get healthy. I'm glad you're taking steps for getting there. Our mental perceptions are hard to get over. Keep on, keep strong. We're always here for you.

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MISTY_MOUNTAINS 11/28/2012 9:20AM

    emoticon I hope you are okay!! I'm glad that you have a handful of people around you who love and support you through scary and hard times. This is definitely a very good thing. In time (especially if you're actively seeking help) you will get over much of your esteem issue. I don't think anyone is ever 100% past that, but no one that has accomplished as much as you have (or is as cute!!) should have to feel like that. I obviously don't know the situation, but I can tell you that my Daddo (who is now in his early 50's) acquired a seizure disorder just a few years back. He had not always had it, it just showed up one day. His is easily controlled by a little medication. He still functions normally, and can do everything he did before. It did take the doctors a while to figure out that was what it was. Just breathe, darlin'.... you are going to be fine!!

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