Wednesday, November 28, 2012
I know how to be healthy. I know what to do and what not to do. I've known for 2 years. I'm not an expert by no means, but I do feel well educated in the knowledge of health and how to live a healthy life.
Here's the deal. I think I have a problem. I think I obsess over food and being healthy. I think that it's to the point of being on that very tiny and vague line of being mentally unhealthy. I try not to talk about it, I'm actually slightly embarrassed. People do nothing but congratulate my success and tell me how awesome I'm doing and all I can do is smile and think in my big noggin, "They have no idea what they're talking about. Look at all this fat hanging from your body. You're gross." Yeah I do that.
I know it's sad and I'm actually in the process of seeking out some help when it comes to my self esteem issues. I have major body image problems and it bothers me in the fact that I have accomplished a lot physically, but the mental side of me will not let me enjoy my success. I am my own enemy. I'll look in the mirror and hate my body. I have excess skin, it bothers me extremely. I tell myself that I'll eventually get skin reduction surgery, no biggie. But then some days I put on jeans and see that little pinch of muffin top and want to crawl back in bed and cry for days.
I understand this isn't healthy and like I said I am seeking help. I just had to get it off my chest. I'm struggling with depression at the moment. This current cycle I've joined has become very trying on my normal chipper and upbeat self. But I have friends and family supporting me. My sister, Cory, Leslie, they're all here. And I am very grateful for this.
Now that we're down with the mental, let's start with the physical hardships that I have endured.
I started passing out and having seizures every so often some several months back. I haven't a clue why, I'm suppose to be healthy. My health is my life, as you can tell in the past paragraphs. I've seen a few doctors, taken a few tests, no one knows what's causing what I like to call "spells".
So I was refereed to a neurologist and she has set me up with 3 tests that I have appointments for in the next few weeks. The test include a MRI, this is the one I am truly afraid of. I've had several nightmares the last few days over this. I'm extremely claustrophobic...EXTREMELY. So that one is not going to be fun at all. Next I have to where a heart monitor for 24 hours, and lastly I have to have a Sleep Deprived EEG test. No more than 4 hours of sleep the night before, no caffeine and my appointment is not until 11AM. Exciting I know.
I'm hoping that I get good news from this or more frankly any news would be amazing. All the other doctors have simply said that they did not know what was going on. It baffles them. Hell, I'm completely baffled myself. Each time I've passed out I've had to go to the ER cause I hit the floor, hard. Yay Doctor Bills!
Cory has been very caring and patient with me. I am truly lucky to have someone like him in my life. He's awesome.
So that's what's going on in my slice of heaven, but I know that I'll get through it. I always do. And hopefully I'll come out even stronger.