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I'm still here...

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Well, I'm still here... taking care of my Dad's estate. I thought I would be able to leave the Friday before Thanksgiving, when my sister left, but things keep coming up, and it is getting frustrating. I am very tired.

I am considering driving north and going skiing for a few days, rather than south, where my house, or more like the place I own that I will soon be leaving to move to Washington state, is located. I just feel like I need some sort of a break, if not I'll go from packing up and donating things from my Dad's place to doing the same to mine. Since my father passed away, I've had a one day break, in which I ran a marathon and then drove four hours to get back. Not much of a break.

I thought things were starting to get better, then Thanksgiving hit, and I've been on an emotional rollercoaster since. Dad and I used to "make the rounds" of family gatherings, and then hit Black Friday. Maybe in a side way it was a good thing - the stress of it all caused me not to eat or shop much - so at least I didn't overdo it.

I've not really been running since the marathon, which is very odd for me. I've been active renovating his house - it needed a lot of work before going on the market - so I've been tired from that and this whole situation. Sometimes I wonder if running might wear me out more. In addition, it's cold here now. When I came at the end of September, it was still eventually summer weather - I thought I was coming for a week and a half so brought just a few running shorts, tank tops and short sleeved running shirts. I've had to buy clothes for cooler weather, and now, I finally bought a winter coat at a thrift store. I don't have any running tights here. I keep thinking I will be going home tomorrow, then something comes up... so I don't get to, but I have so many pairs of running pants at home, I don't really want to buy another.

But the thing that concerns me is I don't really have a will to go running, or workout, or do anything that I normally enjoy. I think I am depressed, in part obviously to my Dad passing away last month, but also I think due to the elongation of my time here. My sister has gone home, my brother has his own life that he tends to, yet I'm still here working on this same stuff - at least the house is done - but the paperwork drags on. I'm burned out and need to move on.

I think the things I am doing also serve as constant reminders of my Dad's passing. Not that I want to forget, but just not thrown in my face all the time. My brother picked up a blank postcard from Paris and said, "Didn't Dad go to France?" I said yeah, I found that in his room, that was the first trip we took together. And I broke down crying. Again. Things like that.

Some things have been a bit better though. My appetite has been returning. I feel like lately I've not been eating well, we've been eating out a lot at Chinese buffets - I think my Mom is attempting to keep weight on me - but at least I am starting to care that I am not eating that well, if that makes any sense. For a while, I couldn't eat, and mostly didn't care.

I have in the past several days, started to 'want' to run again, so that's a good sign. Sometimes I think I have some sort of mental block to it - it's weird - I am not sure why. Like is there something inside of me that says I am not supposed to enjoy myself right now or ??? I don't know. I know a lot of it is excuses and I should just go out and do it, but up to this point, I haven't been able to. I just feel... tired.

I find late evenings and early mornings are hard. I don't know if it's also in part because those are the times I am alone, now that my sister is gone, and I've not been sleeping well.

I wish I could just "snap out of it", this funk that I am feeling, but it seems I can't. People tell me it gets better in time so, I just take things day by day, and keep moving forward, as I can.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • PAG2809
    So sorry about your dad, and the circumstances afterward. Its hard. My dad died in '94 and thinking of certain things can still bring me to tears. Glad to see from the more recent blogs that things are moving along.
    1899 days ago
    Unfortunately, this isn't something you can just snap out of. I hope you get to get out of there soon: As much as it hurts, the living must move on. With you trapped there -- and worse, feeling trapped there -- you are being forced to stay static.

    Even if you don't have the right clothes, when you feel the need to run, do it. Even if in jeans. Until then, do what you need to do until you can continue with your life. You'll take the memories your Dad left you and the lessons he taught you and remember him with joy, not just loss.

    Try not to feel guilty about taking a break: everyone needs one.
    1906 days ago
    emoticon I feel your emotions come through this blog. I think the ski trip is what you need. Take some time for you! If you dont, then you will keep going in the spiral. Take your time greiving. It is a process that takes time. Embrace the happiness your dad brought you, remember the good times. I know it is easier said than done, but you are strong and you can do this. I do truly think some time for you is important and needed. emoticon
    1907 days ago
    ) Grief ius an individual thing and hgappens on OUR timetable . . . nobody else's. So don't pressure yourself through it.

    1907 days ago
    Sounds like you deserve a ski trip---so why not go for a couple of days at least, then head back to your place and finish up there so you can leave. And it is normal to feel this way and to cry at silly things---you did a lot with your dad and those memories will stay with you---and there will come times when you will run across a picture of Paris and think---We saw that and Dad thought that was neat or funny or whatever---and sometimes the tears will come again---but that is okay. Glad you are able to eat again.
    1907 days ago
    Take the Break! You need it!
    1907 days ago
  • JLITT62
    I think the biggest thing we lose sight of when we're grieving is that our loved ones loved us -/ they want us to be happy. Feeling happy somehow feels like a betrayal. Listen to your heart & take care of yourself & remember there's no right way to grieve -- only the right way for YOU.
    1907 days ago
  • SHEILA1505
    Big Hugs, A!
    Although there's supposedly stages to one's grief, there's no set timetable and each and every 'first' anniversary - TG, birthday, Xmas, when you went to Paris together - is going to hit you in bewildering waves of emotion. You really deserve to take this ski-ing break and focus on A, even if you don't summon up the energy to ski! Just sit and veg, wallow in your emotions for a while without feeling guilty about it and indulge in some of the things that go with ski-ing (in Austria, anyway) Gluhwein, Black Forest Cake, Apple Strudel - relish it and then be done with chastising yourself because you know that you will get back to 'normal A eating' and exercise routines.

    It's hard, A, and I wish I could give you more than a cyber (((A)))
    1907 days ago
    Grief is a crazy thing; you think you're past a certain stage, and then a sound, a song, a smell--something will bring fresh waves of it. Getting away to do something for yourself is important; you need the break.
    1907 days ago
    emoticon sounds like you haven't really been living your own life since your dad died (with the exception of the marathon). i would definitely agree that it's important to get away for a while, and also to set a fixed date to move. pick a date and stick with it - you need to be able to focus on yourself and your future.

    glad you are interested in food again - even if it's junk! just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you'll get there. take care of yourself.
    1907 days ago
  • JACKIE542
    I agree. I think it would be good for you to get away and take a relaxing break. Take care of yourself. emoticon
    1907 days ago
  • AJB121299
    Take that break
    1907 days ago
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