Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Well, I'm still here... taking care of my Dad's estate. I thought I would be able to leave the Friday before Thanksgiving, when my sister left, but things keep coming up, and it is getting frustrating. I am very tired.
I am considering driving north and going skiing for a few days, rather than south, where my house, or more like the place I own that I will soon be leaving to move to Washington state, is located. I just feel like I need some sort of a break, if not I'll go from packing up and donating things from my Dad's place to doing the same to mine. Since my father passed away, I've had a one day break, in which I ran a marathon and then drove four hours to get back. Not much of a break.
I thought things were starting to get better, then Thanksgiving hit, and I've been on an emotional rollercoaster since. Dad and I used to "make the rounds" of family gatherings, and then hit Black Friday. Maybe in a side way it was a good thing - the stress of it all caused me not to eat or shop much - so at least I didn't overdo it.
I've not really been running since the marathon, which is very odd for me. I've been active renovating his house - it needed a lot of work before going on the market - so I've been tired from that and this whole situation. Sometimes I wonder if running might wear me out more. In addition, it's cold here now. When I came at the end of September, it was still eventually summer weather - I thought I was coming for a week and a half so brought just a few running shorts, tank tops and short sleeved running shirts. I've had to buy clothes for cooler weather, and now, I finally bought a winter coat at a thrift store. I don't have any running tights here. I keep thinking I will be going home tomorrow, then something comes up... so I don't get to, but I have so many pairs of running pants at home, I don't really want to buy another.
But the thing that concerns me is I don't really have a will to go running, or workout, or do anything that I normally enjoy. I think I am depressed, in part obviously to my Dad passing away last month, but also I think due to the elongation of my time here. My sister has gone home, my brother has his own life that he tends to, yet I'm still here working on this same stuff - at least the house is done - but the paperwork drags on. I'm burned out and need to move on.
I think the things I am doing also serve as constant reminders of my Dad's passing. Not that I want to forget, but just not thrown in my face all the time. My brother picked up a blank postcard from Paris and said, "Didn't Dad go to France?" I said yeah, I found that in his room, that was the first trip we took together. And I broke down crying. Again. Things like that.
Some things have been a bit better though. My appetite has been returning. I feel like lately I've not been eating well, we've been eating out a lot at Chinese buffets - I think my Mom is attempting to keep weight on me - but at least I am starting to care that I am not eating that well, if that makes any sense. For a while, I couldn't eat, and mostly didn't care.
I have in the past several days, started to 'want' to run again, so that's a good sign. Sometimes I think I have some sort of mental block to it - it's weird - I am not sure why. Like is there something inside of me that says I am not supposed to enjoy myself right now or ??? I don't know. I know a lot of it is excuses and I should just go out and do it, but up to this point, I haven't been able to. I just feel... tired.
I find late evenings and early mornings are hard. I don't know if it's also in part because those are the times I am alone, now that my sister is gone, and I've not been sleeping well.
I wish I could just "snap out of it", this funk that I am feeling, but it seems I can't. People tell me it gets better in time so, I just take things day by day, and keep moving forward, as I can.