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Who I am

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

That's a deep subject and one I'm not sure how to answer anymore. There's who I am:

I'm Amanda. I'm 32, 100 lbs overweight. I'd like to say I'm the mother of a beautiful daughter, Tori,

but I've never really been her mom. I was a young mother. I was 15 when I found out I was pregnant and 16 when she was born. Her father and I never married. My mom pretty well raised her until age three. There's no pretty well about it. She did. I was out being a deviant. At three her dad petitioned for custody. He didn't win, but they did award custody to his parents, who co petitioned. We were poor. I had a single mother (My father left in in late 1984 when she was 8 months pregnant with my brother) who had no college education. She had a good job with the school system, but things were TIGHT. I remember living on bacon one summer. Not having it a lot. LIVING ON IT. Tori had food, Tori ALWAYS had food. I went into a downward spiral from there which ends here. I'm 32 with no REAL work skills, no college education, little to no chance of one. I have no job. I do have a Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) diagnosis though. I got that in May and have been in therapy ever since.

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I'm not sure if it is to blame for the behaviors I have exhibited in my life or if I use it as an excuse. I suffer and have suffered most every symptom of BPD. I have attempted suicide. I have fantasized about suicide. I've had urges to hurt others including my mother in May. I've never self mutilated.

I have a mental illness, no job, no money, little to no life skills. I'm overweight but more importantly I'm unhealthy in every sense of the word.

But I'm working to be better. 1 day at a time.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • DOGZMOM1031
    You are one strong woman for coming forward with all of that. I can't pretend to know everything that you are going through, but I can relate to the BPD and the blame game. It is a daily struggle for me sometimes to get out of bed and do life. I'm glad you found treatment, and this site, and hopefully you can start to make some wise choices for you that will improve your quality of life. Please let me know if you need to chat...I can at least relate to some of the distorted thoughts and dysregulation that go with the BPD. Thinking happy thoughts for you... emoticon
    1934 days ago
    Beautiful post!
    1937 days ago
  • JIBBIE49
    Read the book "WHEAT BELLY" by William Davis M.D. and listen to his lecture on YouTube and change your DIET. IT will help your health to get your intestines healthy.
    1938 days ago
    Oh...P.S. I have self-mutilated. I stopped doing that, but I have 13 tattoos. I never attempted suicide, but I still think about suicide from time to time. My fear of God and my love for my kids have saved my life on numerous occasions.

    I totally second what FORMERFATGUY777 says.
    1938 days ago

    Comment edited on: 11/27/2012 7:38:56 PM
    *hugs you so tight, with a tear*
    You are worthy to change for the better. You are a magnificent writer. It is NOT too late to get a college degree. Look for different scholarships. Apply for federal grants and loans. (Hell, I JUST got mine in June, and just started working towards my Bachelor's. I'll be 35 on December 8th.
    I've been a stay-at-home mom for almost ALL of the last 10.5 years. Actually, closer to 11, since I was forced to leave one of my jobs when I was pregnant with my daughter.) I'm on public assistance. It SUUUCKS, but whatever. If it weren't for my mother, (and when he was alive, my father), we'd be homeless and vehicle-less. I've actually BEEN homeless-staying in a women's shelter with my daughter when she was a baby. It...also sucked.
    As far as your daughter goes, shtuff happens. It could have been so much worse. Wanna know something I don't say much around here? I had a miscarriage when I was 16, before I met my kids' dad. I had another one about a year and some change after we were together. Here's the poo part. Between our daughter and our son, I had an abortion. Yep. At least you gave your daughter a chance at life. I killed one of my babies on purpose before it had a chance to take its first breath. Like I said...shtuff happens.
    You rock. I love your candidness.
    1938 days ago
    You are a woman created in the image of God. I can feel the pain in your blog. I can tell you that Jesus loves you very much. In Him you can find forgiveness and healing.
    He specializes in rebuilding broken lives. I want you to check out a webpage that has helped me in the past. You can do a google search for nothings too hard for God.. It's filled with stories about people who Jesus has touched.

    I want you to know that there is healing and a future for you. I'm going to add you to my prayer list. I wish you well.
    1938 days ago
  • 1935MARY
    To many kids are having kids. I had my first at 17 but I married his dad. It didn't last long 2 yrs. I have been married three times and this, my last one for 17yrs. I was poor also ,but my mother work as a waitress and we all lived with my granny. We always had food. The only time was when granny was in hospital with tb and had to stay 4 months. My mother worked 7days a week 12 hrs. She didn't drive and hadn't got anyone to take her to the store.My brother and I had eaten everything ,but the few cans of peas, we had left them for last,really didn't care for them,but we ate them. Then mom finally went to store.Try to get ged if you have not finished high school it is never to late. Then check out some type of vocational school. The first thing you need to do is realize you are a beautiful person and you can do anything to set your mind on. No one can do it for you. If you need a friend I am here. emoticon
    1938 days ago
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