Tuesday, November 27, 2012
I've avoided posting because I feel like a failure. This is such a non-judgmental place, and yet I feel like I won't be welcomed anymore because I fell off the wagon. Again. Realistically I know it's not true, but I suppose it's what I've been telling myself to avoid having to face that I messed up. Again.
I'm trying not to beat myself up, but things aren't great in my life right now. I just ended my relationship with my boyfriend of 5 years, and I'm devastated. I don't know that it's forever, but I know it's what we both need right now. I knew it would hurt, I just didn't know how much. We are still living together as well, because financially neither one of us has a choice. I know we'll remain good friends, but the distance I need to cope with this just isn't there. I'm also realizing that I'm terrified of being alone. What if no one else ever loves me? I know I need to love myself in order to give someone else love. I just don't know how.
I'm also back in a job that I hate, because I couldn't take the stress of serving anymore. I work in a bakery, and while I don't mind the actual job so much, the customer service aspect of it is terrible. Not to mention, I pretty much cut my income in half. In trying to reduce the stress in my life, financially, I added more.
I honestly don't know how to feel what I'm feeling. I spent so many years channeling my emotions in to negative behaviors (starving myself, overeating, drinking), that it's my first instinct to do the same right now. I'm really trying my best not to, though. Being able to feel my emotions this strongly is somewhat cathartic, but as I said, I spent so many years avoiding them that I no longer know what to do. I'm always the strong one, the person with the answers, the person who fixes things. But when it comes to my own life, I feel like I'm a mess.
For all who care, I am really going to make an effort to post at least every few days, whether what I have to report is good or bad. I want to get back to where I was, where I was going. I was doing so well, and I know I can get back to that place and go even further. I'm doing my best to channel all this hurt in to something good, something life changing. God knows I'm ready for it. I just need to be brave enough to do it.