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    LBKARA88   1,789
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I'm Back...

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

I've avoided posting because I feel like a failure. This is such a non-judgmental place, and yet I feel like I won't be welcomed anymore because I fell off the wagon. Again. Realistically I know it's not true, but I suppose it's what I've been telling myself to avoid having to face that I messed up. Again.

I'm trying not to beat myself up, but things aren't great in my life right now. I just ended my relationship with my boyfriend of 5 years, and I'm devastated. I don't know that it's forever, but I know it's what we both need right now. I knew it would hurt, I just didn't know how much. We are still living together as well, because financially neither one of us has a choice. I know we'll remain good friends, but the distance I need to cope with this just isn't there. I'm also realizing that I'm terrified of being alone. What if no one else ever loves me? I know I need to love myself in order to give someone else love. I just don't know how.

I'm also back in a job that I hate, because I couldn't take the stress of serving anymore. I work in a bakery, and while I don't mind the actual job so much, the customer service aspect of it is terrible. Not to mention, I pretty much cut my income in half. In trying to reduce the stress in my life, financially, I added more.

I honestly don't know how to feel what I'm feeling. I spent so many years channeling my emotions in to negative behaviors (starving myself, overeating, drinking), that it's my first instinct to do the same right now. I'm really trying my best not to, though. Being able to feel my emotions this strongly is somewhat cathartic, but as I said, I spent so many years avoiding them that I no longer know what to do. I'm always the strong one, the person with the answers, the person who fixes things. But when it comes to my own life, I feel like I'm a mess.

For all who care, I am really going to make an effort to post at least every few days, whether what I have to report is good or bad. I want to get back to where I was, where I was going. I was doing so well, and I know I can get back to that place and go even further. I'm doing my best to channel all this hurt in to something good, something life changing. God knows I'm ready for it. I just need to be brave enough to do it.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LBKARA88 11/27/2012 10:12PM

    Thank you, everyone. Your support means a lot to me!!

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KATEM325 11/27/2012 10:07PM

    Welcome back! I recently jumped back on the wagon too after about a year of gaining the weight back! Take everything one day at a time and things will fall into place :)

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ALICIAYOUNG1127 11/27/2012 8:03PM

    Welcome back! I totally understand where you are coming from...Life is hard, but you are in the right place. I am just coming back also...we can learn how to love ourselves with baby steps...good luck to you emoticon

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VEROISME 11/27/2012 6:56PM

    I recently got back "on the wagon" as they say. You have a lot going on in my life, but as someone whose lost most of my weight while dealing with stress, I know it can be done..

I journaled all of my problems on Spark... it really gave me the focus I needed to take my life in hand... including my weight.

So, Welcome back! :)

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