Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Sometimes the drama is just too much for me. I am so tired of dealing with it. I can't change, manipulate, or control the situation and that is making everything even harder for me. My step-dad has begun sneaking private documents and information/passwords out of the house. He's also lying about what he's taking out of the house. I am now trying to protect my mom, but that's really hard to do sometimes. He hasn't yet been violent, although that's something that makes me nervous.
I can't just move out because I have my sister to care for, and my mom can't do it alone. He has been absolutely useless for months now. I also can't care for my sister on my own at this point because of my back. But we can't stay in the house where things are the way they are. I've been looking for somewhere for us to live, but things are complicated by the need for wheelchair accessibility and the fact that I have a 90 lb dog. If I have no other choice, my dog can stay with my aunt until I have a place that he could be with me again. I don't want it to come to that. My aunt lives an hour from me so I wouldn't be able to just visit my dog every night. Especially since I started a new job yesterday that is 4 days a week. I'm confused, hurt, and kind of scared. My step-dad can be a cruel person who says mean vile things because he knows that I'm smarter than he is. His response when I am logical/rational is to immediately begin belittling, humiliating, and absolutely awful name calling.
I'm so tired of dealing with everything. I just want things to be decided. I need to know if I'm going to have to move. If I have to move I need to start looking for somewhere that will suit my needs. I need things decided. I don't want to deal with moving. I don't want to the leave street that was named after my sister, but I don't see where I have much choice. I'm also so tired of pretending to be strong for everyone else and that I'm okay with what's happening when I'm really not. I'm ready for things to move on. I need to be able to make decisions and move on.