Tuesday, November 27, 2012
For six years everyday my two sons brought me to every parents nightmare. As self mutilators they taught me what true pain was all about. The pain every parent hates to feel, that your child is so unhappy for some reason you can't make it go away. Every burn , every cut , every scream brought a fear that one day they would be dead soon. So I fought for them with them. I prayed that they would somehow find the will to live one more day for I was so greedy I couldnt imagine life without them. The countless trips to hospitals for stitches and staples. Then home to cry again for lack of knowing what else to do. They had normal lives really , they were spoiled beyond belief never made to feel bad. I was never an alcoholic or drug head. I never cussed at them or demeaned them. Why would I they were the best parts of me. I was told by a doctor of my youngest son once "dont take it personally , it just happens." Such wonderful advice right no not really. He got fired and told the same thing .
Now I wish I could tell that I dont have to worry about this stuff . But I live everyday with the fear that they will go back to the pitts of their personal hells. My youngest son has not cut in years thank god but there is a second every time the phones rings from him that I hold my breath and wait to hear his breath. In 2011 my oldest son slit his wrist the day I had major foot surgery. There was nothing I could do and it rocked me to my core. He eventually recovered from that and realized that no matter what it wasnt worth that damage.
This morning the phone rang and it was my oldest son .. He asked did i know the number to his doctors office. I said not off the top of my head WHY .. nothing that was his reply. I said are you bleeding .. yes..( heart stop) how bad ... pretty bad ( dont panic) where .. my forearm ( clinch the towel dont gasp) ... what happen .. I feel down the door steps and took out the rail ( breath breath breath) .. Is that the truth .... YES MOTHER CLICK ( tears flow uncontrollably ) .... I frantically dial the phone .. it is a need I need to know that he really is alright ... as he now gives me the silent treatment my heart races and descends to the pits of my own hell .. The one I have no control over ... a half hour later he calls to say he is fine and get this I hurt him by asking him that. all I could say was I was sorry and i love you . In a moment he took me from on level ground back to a blood soaked world and I made him feel bad. In a moment he smashed my hopes and dreams but I made him feel bad. In a moment he gave me guilt for something i have no idea what i feel guilty about. The cold hard fact of the matter is after 6 years with dealing with their pain and addiction to self mutilating I will never be the same again . I believe I will always fear them dying at their own hands and No I dont know how to stop that fear . They took the most special part and turned it dark and now they expect me to forget it all happened and I cant do that no matter how hard I try . So today I have opened up all the blinds .. made the bed and stuck the sticky note "no good can be found here go do something " .. I refuse to fall back to the chocolate days of coping with this pain even though right now it really does sound good. I will make it through this feeling and bust a&& at PT in a little while, Tomorrow will be better tomorrow will be better tomorrow will be better ... I cant say I am sorry for this blog because well this is how I deal .. I can say make your day the best you can and hug your children ....