Sigh. I need to vent. A lot.
My anxiety is getting the best of me. I didn't turn right to my coping strategies. I guess it takes work to make things habit. I feel so depressed today too.
I am feeling behind in life again. I know life isn't a race but I really just like
having structure and right now I don't have structure. A lot of people tell me I have
my whole life to figure things out but see, I want to get life started. In a way, I don't feel like it has started yet.
My anxiety holds me back. I hold myself back.
I am struggling with my weight today.
I am struggling with my heart today.
This morning I woke up and my mind wouldn't just quiet down.
I didn't turn to my coping strategies & I made bad choices with what I ate.
I knew what I was doing but I knew it wasn't the answer.
Even though I am struggling with my weight, that isn't the main cause of my anxiety.
The main cause is struggling to know what I want to do with my life. It's hard to see my friends following their plans & feeling like my heart is lost. I got way off track. :(
I guess all the noise just got to me. People are filled with advice, ready to scrutinize and the economy is so bad. So many people are losing their jobs & homeless rates are going up. People have all sorts of ideas about what you should do. I don't think you should listen but sometimes the noise does get to me.
Seeing these things can make decisions so hard. I guess it started with losing faith in myself & it got worse from there. I try to live in the present but my mind is always in the future.
I have sought advice from the career center, the academic advisers, a health center counselor, my family & friends who are sick of my anxiety over this, etc. Can't afford to see a Psychologist so that's out. I am not in school right now. I began at a community college and after I finished, I had to stop to deal with medical issues along with a couple of other reasons. It took me 2.5 years to deal with those issues & now I am 23. I feel like those 2.5 years really pushed me back a little as well. I feel kind like I should have figured everything out a long time ago.
My mom always asks me what my heart tells me & it just seems like it's blank.
I know it's up to me to make decisions. I used to be determined & have such a fire within but that fire feels like it has burned out.
Right now, I live with my family. I don't always want to have to live with my family.
This anxiety makes weight loss harder. I just want to live in the present again like I used to & have that fire within like I used to.
Sometimes, I feel like whatever I choose won't matter, cause I wouldn't be happy no matter what. (In my career, not in life.) People do what they have to do. I feel like I should pick something practical even if I don't like it but my sister says that nothing is guaranteed.
The only way I feel better is when I take my mind off of this. My mom always says if I don't think about it, it will help but even when I don't think about it doesn't help.
I don't want to deal with this by avoidance. I want to solve this issue.
Yesterday I ate a whole bunch of Pumpkin cheesecake cookies. I knew I was sabotaging myself and that I wasn't solving my problem but I still did it anyway. This morning was full of bad choices too. It's rare for me to eat due to an emotional reason but high anxiety got me this time. I don't blame the anxiety. I was in charge of my choices. We all make mistakes though.
I don't want to keep feeling stuck. I want to move forward. I can move forward if I stop holding myself back. When I try to take a step forward, I stumble backwards. My own fault. Still, I stumble.
I have been stumbling for a long time now.
I know I am young but I don't want to be dealing with this issue year after year.
I just want to be able to move forward & not be so overwhelmed by all of the possible consequences, I just step back & turn around.
My friend of 9.5 years really is helpful with listening and making me feel better. She is following her plan & it hasn't changed one time since 7th grade. She is studying to be an elementary school teacher. That is where her heart is. I have changed my mind and never thought I would. I am so happy she is happy but sometimes, I wish my plans would have went as smoothly. My sister is going to graduate in less than two weeks with her BA in Psychology. We began school together. I actually am the one who convinced her to go. She just did what she wanted to do. She didn't listen to the outside noise. Usually, it's the other way around. I just don't want to deal with this forever and it feels like it's going on forever.
I also do not want it to develop full blown emotional eating issues.
I hope your day has started out better than mine!