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anxiety makes weight loss harder (Struggling)

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Sigh. I need to vent. A lot.

My anxiety is getting the best of me. I didn't turn right to my coping strategies. I guess it takes work to make things habit. I feel so depressed today too.


I am feeling behind in life again. I know life isn't a race but I really just like
having structure and right now I don't have structure. A lot of people tell me I have
my whole life to figure things out but see, I want to get life started. In a way, I don't feel like it has started yet.

My anxiety holds me back. I hold myself back.

I am struggling with my weight today.
I am struggling with my heart today.

This morning I woke up and my mind wouldn't just quiet down.
I didn't turn to my coping strategies & I made bad choices with what I ate.
I knew what I was doing but I knew it wasn't the answer.

Even though I am struggling with my weight, that isn't the main cause of my anxiety.
The main cause is struggling to know what I want to do with my life. It's hard to see my friends following their plans & feeling like my heart is lost. I got way off track. :(

I guess all the noise just got to me. People are filled with advice, ready to scrutinize and the economy is so bad. So many people are losing their jobs & homeless rates are going up. People have all sorts of ideas about what you should do. I don't think you should listen but sometimes the noise does get to me.

Seeing these things can make decisions so hard. I guess it started with losing faith in myself & it got worse from there. I try to live in the present but my mind is always in the future.

I have sought advice from the career center, the academic advisers, a health center counselor, my family & friends who are sick of my anxiety over this, etc. Can't afford to see a Psychologist so that's out. I am not in school right now. I began at a community college and after I finished, I had to stop to deal with medical issues along with a couple of other reasons. It took me 2.5 years to deal with those issues & now I am 23. I feel like those 2.5 years really pushed me back a little as well. I feel kind like I should have figured everything out a long time ago.

My mom always asks me what my heart tells me & it just seems like it's blank.

I know it's up to me to make decisions. I used to be determined & have such a fire within but that fire feels like it has burned out.

Right now, I live with my family. I don't always want to have to live with my family.
This anxiety makes weight loss harder. I just want to live in the present again like I used to & have that fire within like I used to.

Sometimes, I feel like whatever I choose won't matter, cause I wouldn't be happy no matter what. (In my career, not in life.) People do what they have to do. I feel like I should pick something practical even if I don't like it but my sister says that nothing is guaranteed.

The only way I feel better is when I take my mind off of this. My mom always says if I don't think about it, it will help but even when I don't think about it doesn't help.

I don't want to deal with this by avoidance. I want to solve this issue.
Yesterday I ate a whole bunch of Pumpkin cheesecake cookies. I knew I was sabotaging myself and that I wasn't solving my problem but I still did it anyway. This morning was full of bad choices too. It's rare for me to eat due to an emotional reason but high anxiety got me this time. I don't blame the anxiety. I was in charge of my choices. We all make mistakes though.

I don't want to keep feeling stuck. I want to move forward. I can move forward if I stop holding myself back. When I try to take a step forward, I stumble backwards. My own fault. Still, I stumble.

I have been stumbling for a long time now.

I know I am young but I don't want to be dealing with this issue year after year.
I just want to be able to move forward & not be so overwhelmed by all of the possible consequences, I just step back & turn around.

My friend of 9.5 years really is helpful with listening and making me feel better. She is following her plan & it hasn't changed one time since 7th grade. She is studying to be an elementary school teacher. That is where her heart is. I have changed my mind and never thought I would. I am so happy she is happy but sometimes, I wish my plans would have went as smoothly. My sister is going to graduate in less than two weeks with her BA in Psychology. We began school together. I actually am the one who convinced her to go. She just did what she wanted to do. She didn't listen to the outside noise. Usually, it's the other way around. I just don't want to deal with this forever and it feels like it's going on forever.

I also do not want it to develop full blown emotional eating issues.

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I hope your day has started out better than mine! emoticon

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Dear sparkfriend, I really like your new name. It has so many possibilities and hope in it. Struggling is never easy. Break it down into small decisions. when u get up in the morning: eat breakfast. plan your day. go for it. lunch, afternoon goal. dinner. exercise sometime(walk after dinner example). volunteer at a school to help a child read, at a nursing home, walk the neighbors dog. do stuff at the library. Sometimes life does do that curveball thing and it takes some effort to figure things out. In time things will come to you as u figure out what u want to do.. emoticon Deb
    1908 days ago
    It is good that you are able to get your emotions and fears out by journalizing/blogging. It is a great way to clear the mind and to be able to organize one's thoughts. You are facing some tough decisions and choices and it makes sense that you would be struggling. I hope that your searching will result in your finding a direction that appeals to you. All the best and Hugs.

    1909 days ago

    It's good that you've shared. I understand your concerns and will be praying that God show you some direction.
    1910 days ago
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