Tuesday, November 27, 2012
If any of you are like me, the secret key to motivation eludes me every moment of the day. I had a dr apt yesterday and as usual she mentioned that I keep gaining weight and wanted to know why. I honestly looked at her and said 'I have no idea.' How is it that something you want so badly and need so desperately can be so hard to find and even harder to hold on to in those rare moments you do find it? I told her I had started exercising again that morning, she said, 'good, what made you do it?' and again I had to say, 'I have no idea.' I exercised again this morning, but I still don't know why or how to keep it going. She then asked me what would motivate me to do better? And again I had to say, 'I have no idea.' I know all of the things that should motivate me, but they don't. I should want to be healthier and have better cholesterol and BP. But those things are not enough to get me motivated. And it makes me sad.
The only thing I do know is that food tends to be my 'go to' item. When I was little, my mom died, my house burnt down and my brother and sister's way of dealing with it was drugs and alcohol. Then my dad remarried and she was manic depressive. There were several times I would come home to find my brother passed out and wonder if he was just sleeping or dead or to find a note that said he ran away. To sum it all up, I have been abandoned by so many things in life that i don't trust much. The one thing that was always there was food. When I would come home to a run away note, a passed out sibling or even just an empty house, the one thing that was there was food. Even as I got older, people and things that I though would last didn't. So the only thing I do know is that when someone is asking me to give up the one thing I think I can trust, I get angry, rebellious and resentful. Anyone have any ideas, suggestions or thoughts? I'd love to hear from you all.