Thoughts Rolling Around This Brain
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
To say I've had a couple of rough days emotionally would be an understatement. I've coped by emotionally eating, not overeating mind you (which in and of itself is a blessing/change) but eating none the less.
However, with heartbreak comes hope. In the past couple days, I've also reconnected with my best friend of 10 years. She and I unraveled after my divorce, her father passing and my grandma passing all intersected and we couldn't be a support for the other during our own period of grief. I pulled away, she pulled away. I stopped reaching out. She stopped reaching out. That was 3 years ago. But I felt compelled to write an email on Sunday apologizing and letting her know I missed her... and to my very happy surprise, she wrote back almost immediately and reverberated the same sentiments. That is what I remember of my friendships... an unconditional love that even a 3 year hiatus can't break. We are now back in touch and chatting as if no time has passed at all. I am so thankful.
I noticed this morning that I don't have to suck it in to get my jeans buttoned. Granted, I should have never been wearing them at 10 pounds heavier in the first place, but still... the gap in the low back is growing too. A big ass and smaller (eventually) waist doesn't help the gap in the pants while sitting.
I tried running last night, and man, my legs would just not cooperate with me. I'm wondering if 3x per week is still a little much for my body to even attempt right now. My legs cramp up almost immediately. I know I need to start strength training too, but I'm trying to remain consistent first and foremost instead of thinking "but I need to do this and this and this to get back where I was". Anyway, the fact I'm thinking differently about exercise IS a victory. 30 minutes isn't as horrific as it was the first week. It's manageable.
I've been thinking a lot about my former marriage (see first paragraph) for several reasons, but I had one of my friends ask me if I think my marriage failed because of how I looked (our biggest point of contention... he wanted a size 4 blonde... I'm not a size 4 blonde). My instantaneous answer was "No", but now that I'm thinking on it, I think my answer is "Yes". If I had looked more in line with how he wanted, I don't think there would have been arguments. So do I blame myself? I suppose in some ways. Undeserved? Yeah. I'll never be a twig. I don't want to be a twig. So why did I choose to be with someone who wanted a twig and was impossible to please? And why did he choose me? It's something I need to work through.
In order to not fall off track with running over this next year, I have decided I will run at least one 5K every month for the entire year. Ambitious? Better than having no goals at all, right? I'm already registered for January and November (yes, November!), and will work on the remaining line up over the next couple months. I think that my annual birthday run is going to be the Irish Traditions 5K: Celebrating Active Friendship/Love/Loyalty instead of the Get Lucky this year. I'm not a fan of this year's hoodie/medal design from the Get Lucky and I don't drink beer... plus, it's $25 cheaper. I can still get dressed up and be silly, but I will have an extra $25 to go out with for my birthday.
I feel like I have so much to talk about this week, I don't want to wait to talk about because it's just spinning in my brain. Without complete verbal vomit here, thanks for listening. I appreciate a kind set of ears/eyes that understand my thoughts without judgement.