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    _COSMOPAULATAN_   19,527
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Thoughts Rolling Around This Brain

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

To say I've had a couple of rough days emotionally would be an understatement. I've coped by emotionally eating, not overeating mind you (which in and of itself is a blessing/change) but eating none the less.

However, with heartbreak comes hope. In the past couple days, I've also reconnected with my best friend of 10 years. She and I unraveled after my divorce, her father passing and my grandma passing all intersected and we couldn't be a support for the other during our own period of grief. I pulled away, she pulled away. I stopped reaching out. She stopped reaching out. That was 3 years ago. But I felt compelled to write an email on Sunday apologizing and letting her know I missed her... and to my very happy surprise, she wrote back almost immediately and reverberated the same sentiments. That is what I remember of my friendships... an unconditional love that even a 3 year hiatus can't break. We are now back in touch and chatting as if no time has passed at all. I am so thankful.

I noticed this morning that I don't have to suck it in to get my jeans buttoned. Granted, I should have never been wearing them at 10 pounds heavier in the first place, but still... the gap in the low back is growing too. A big ass and smaller (eventually) waist doesn't help the gap in the pants while sitting.

I tried running last night, and man, my legs would just not cooperate with me. I'm wondering if 3x per week is still a little much for my body to even attempt right now. My legs cramp up almost immediately. I know I need to start strength training too, but I'm trying to remain consistent first and foremost instead of thinking "but I need to do this and this and this to get back where I was". Anyway, the fact I'm thinking differently about exercise IS a victory. 30 minutes isn't as horrific as it was the first week. It's manageable.

I've been thinking a lot about my former marriage (see first paragraph) for several reasons, but I had one of my friends ask me if I think my marriage failed because of how I looked (our biggest point of contention... he wanted a size 4 blonde... I'm not a size 4 blonde). My instantaneous answer was "No", but now that I'm thinking on it, I think my answer is "Yes". If I had looked more in line with how he wanted, I don't think there would have been arguments. So do I blame myself? I suppose in some ways. Undeserved? Yeah. I'll never be a twig. I don't want to be a twig. So why did I choose to be with someone who wanted a twig and was impossible to please? And why did he choose me? It's something I need to work through.

In order to not fall off track with running over this next year, I have decided I will run at least one 5K every month for the entire year. Ambitious? Better than having no goals at all, right? I'm already registered for January and November (yes, November!), and will work on the remaining line up over the next couple months. I think that my annual birthday run is going to be the Irish Traditions 5K: Celebrating Active Friendship/Love/Loyalty instead of the Get Lucky this year. I'm not a fan of this year's hoodie/medal design from the Get Lucky and I don't drink beer... plus, it's $25 cheaper. I can still get dressed up and be silly, but I will have an extra $25 to go out with for my birthday.

I feel like I have so much to talk about this week, I don't want to wait to talk about because it's just spinning in my brain. Without complete verbal vomit here, thanks for listening. I appreciate a kind set of ears/eyes that understand my thoughts without judgement.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TRENTDREAMER 11/29/2012 10:36PM

    "I noticed this morning that I don't have to suck it in to get my jeans buttoned. Granted, I should have never been wearing them at 10 pounds heavier in the first place, but still... "
* :D congrats on your progress.

" I'm wondering if 3x per week is still a little much for my body to even attempt right now."
* Best of fortune to you with the running and Strength training. You'll get the right mix and mix of rest/running days.

"I'll never be a twig. I don't want to be a twig. So why did I choose to be with someone who wanted a twig and was impossible to please? And why did he choose me? It's something I need to work through."
* The answer to that question will probably begin a really big change your life.

"Without complete verbal vomit here, thanks for listening. I appreciate a kind set of ears/eyes that understand my thoughts without judgement. "
emoticon emoticon and you know I mean that.

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GAMEON123 11/28/2012 10:18AM

    I'm so glad you reconnected with your best friend. I hope she is an excellent source of support. Your idea of a 5K a month is great...some fun to look forward to, but also keep you on a good path.

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CHICAT63 11/28/2012 5:12AM

    Glad you reconnected with your friend.... emoticon and a 5K a month is well, just awesome !!!

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KJDOESLIFE 11/27/2012 4:12PM

    A 5k each month is a great goal! Make sure you're drinking enough water and stretching to help avoid the crampy feeling. I'm glad you reconnected with your friend. That's great news!!

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AMSPARKER 11/27/2012 12:41PM

    A big ass and small waist is what it's all about! Work it!

I'm kind of torn about young marriage...my husband and I married young, right out of college, and we have grown up together, it worked out very very well for us. Then, I hear others who married when they didn't know themselves, how the heck were they supposed to know their spouses? Just know that his short comings were/not yours and you are and were perfect! The amount of introspection you have, how could you not be? ;)

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CAROKNITS 11/27/2012 10:12AM

    I see small victories! Congratulations ... and keep on with the small steps. They'll take you somewhere, a little bit at a time.

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WORTHEYMOM 11/27/2012 9:39AM

    wow - inspirational story! self reflection isn't easy at times, but good friends are awesome! The ones that you don't see or talk to for years and then be able to pick up like it was yesterday. Congrats! I love the monthly 5k runs - sounds like a great idea!

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ALOFA0509 11/27/2012 9:37AM

    Yaaa for reconnection's!!! Soo glad to see things coming along sista... U got this emoticon

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JONEIL513 11/27/2012 8:52AM

    I'm glad you reunited with your friend! I had a similar situation once and it was GREAT to get back together with her.

I love love love the idea of doing a 5k every month. I think that is an awesome, fun goal that will help keep you motivated. You're doing great emoticon

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HEALTHYASHLEY 11/27/2012 8:51AM

    I am really glad you got in touch with your friend again. I hope it helps you to have someone to listen and knows what you went through.

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SHEILA1505 11/27/2012 8:01AM

    So glad about the reconnection with your friend!
That's great news
Good luck with the plan for 2013 5Ks - enjoy
Hugs

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