Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Good God. The last time I was here on SparkPeople was my last blog entry...over a week ago. Almost two weeks ago. Things have not been good, and that is putting it lightly. I really don't feel like going into it much, but I relapsed to more than just a lot of bingeing, and I feel like a total failure, my mood is $#%@, self-loathing and negativity is through the roof, and to add insult to injury, all of the disordered eating has caused bloat and weight gain which only serves to stress me out and trigger me more when I'm already deep in a streak of trying to get out of this cycle of badness and falling on my face day after day. I didn't even think to check in here...I didn't make the time, and instead kept telling myself I'd return when I'd gotten back on track; days and days went by and that didn't happen. So here I am. I'm miserable and feel so incredibly upset at myself for messing up so much.
The Thanksgiving holiday was difficult. I went back home, and, long story short, my grandma came to visit and stay with us for a while, and that is a HUGE source of stress for me, mainly because of the way her presence makes my parents fight. It was no different this time. I'm sure my stress about it is exaggerated from years of learned response (I think it was a significant contributor to the circumstances which triggered my e.d. in the first place), but still. I managed only to be home for Thanksgiving and the day after, but I had a lot of stress in the days building up to going home (honestly my first gut reaction to finding out my grandma was visiting was to somehow have an excuse to avoid the trip home altogether, although this would mean sacrificing seeing my sister and also indirectly admitting that I was not as well-adjusted as I have been projecting). I am going to see my parents and grandma again Thursday this week, as we are all driving (6+ hours!) north together; we will drop off my grandma back at her residence, and then continue on to where my race will be. 6 hours in a car with them all...I want to crawl out of my skin.
The past week I've been trying to get back on track, and I think I've had only one day without a binge. I've had some small successes throughout the days, but they weren't enough to make up more than one binge-free day. I'm trying so hard to limit my negativity, even while composing this entry, but at the moment it is overwhelming. Anyway, sorry for all the bad news. I will at least try to list a few positive things.
+ I feel like I'm getting better on the bike since I've been going to spin class. I like the challenge, and even though I generally prefer outdoor activities, I like that I don't have to worry about sharing the road with cars.
+ On Thanksgiving, I started the day with a beautiful trail run with my dad and some of my dad's old YMCA running group. Thanksgiving day was actually ok for the most part, despite high background stress levels. I enjoyed the good food and didn't binge until much later at night when most of the family had gone (I guess what I'm saying here is that it could have been worse).
+ I felt connected with my sister while we were at home together.
+ This Saturday, I volunteered to lead the group run, and people actually showed up! Our usual leaders were all away, so I said I'd be there at our usual Tuesday trail to run short (usually we run long on Saturdays, and tend to go other places than our Tues/Thurs locations) since I'm supposed to be tapering. I thought no one would come since it was short, and possibly boring to the regulars...but I was wrong. I was really happy to just hang out and enjoy an easy morning run with the gang.
+ This morning I woke up feeling like isolating and avoiding everything. I wanted to hide in bed, call in sick to work, etc. But I didn't. I got myself out to spin class and felt 1000x better, and because of this, I went to work. Later this evening things went bad, but at least I started the day fighting.
+ I feel determined to try again tomorrow even though I have been failing every single day for who knows how long.