Monday, November 26, 2012
today has been a pretty intense day. started off with court for a speeding/headlight violation which resulted in a fine that I can't pay. really stressed about that but lessoned learned....DO NOT SPEED with a broken headlight even if it has just gone out!!!!! sad thing is that I wasn't going faster than the flow of traffic....oh well. lesson learned.
after court I came home and took a nearly 3 hour nap. didn't sleep well last night AND I had taken sleep meds last night and I think it was residual from that because I slept from 11ish to nearly 2 which is when I had to get up for therapy.
therapy was good but once again super intense. We talked about a lot of different things and I feel like I actually stayed on topic without getting terribly sidetracked and talking about unimportant things. a huge focus of the session was about an incident that happened over thanksgiving and left me feeling very uncomfortable, the husband stuff and relationships in general. talked about how overwhelmed I've been feeling and that I've been having some trouble staying focused on my final tomorrow and that so much of my brain space is being wasted with the wrestling of the husband situation. Idk what to do there. I'm not sure if I should go out to dinner with him or not. I know that if we do decide to go out that there is one restaurant I would feel comfortable going to because I've been there with my coach a couple of times. therapy left me feeling very exposed, vulnerable and raw. I know my therapist was concerned about me today and wanted to make sure that I'd be ok. felt kind of transparent when I left and like I had unpacked a bunch of heavy stuff but hadn't put it back together yet.
really wrestled with urges to purge tonight. reached out to 2 recovery friends ANd to my coach tonight. My coach ended up calling me and sharing an experience that she had today with a really rude nurse. in some ways it was comforting to hear how she handled the situation and didn't let it derail her recovery but in other ways it's kind of scary to me. kind of like what's the point if I'm never really "over" this stupid disorder. I know that recovery is worth it, I just have trouble trusting that and to be perfectly honest I'm a little anxious about still struggling with urges even in recovery. thank goodness for my coach. also got through the evening by playing on itunes and finding some christmas songs as well as watching a celtic woman special that was on TV.
still feeling highly triggered, but I will get through this. just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I'm officially 1/6 of the way toward my abstinent streak requirement in order to join a recovery organization on campus. hope I can make it. my biggest fear is making it to the 3 month mark and then faltering. at least if i fall right now there's still time to get to that 6 month mark before the next deadline for application. part of the reason it's so important for me to join this group is because then there are scholarships that are available to me.
going to keep plugging, taking it one meal, hour, or day at a time......whatever increment I need to do to make it doable and to be successful. one step at a time. one way or another......I'm going to do this.