Monday, November 26, 2012
Depression sucks more than I could possibly tell you. For me, it's the result of being alone and not having anyone I can truly trust to be there for me. As the oldest of 6 kids and being involved with my church in multiple assets and being employed off and on since I was 16, I was never truly alone. Fast forward to when I'm 20. I'm newly married and have orders for San Antonio. My parents meanwhile, are debating whether to go overseas or not, and my dear husband has orders to Norfolk. Suffice to say, I was going to be alone for awhile. At first, it was fine, but when my parents (and all my siblings) moved overseas, the realization of being alone really sunk in. Every day I was coming home from work to an empty apartment and most weekends I didn't have anyone I could count on to just hang out with.
After dealing with a friend who backstabbed me and my marriage, my ability to trust others fell apart. No longer could I trust those I was with but that also meant I couldn't find new friends either out of fear.
Every so often, the fear and sadness of being alone will creep (or in some cases, blowing in suddenly like a summer thunderstorm) back into my life and any work I have done to lose weight, eat right or whatever is ruined. Day in and day out I struggle with this. Most people tell me to just shoulder in and move on. Some say that as a Sailor who is fortunate to not be on a ship that I shouldn't have to complain about this, that I'm lucky. And yes, I know I am but it's one thing to be lucky and another to be depressed and struggling with it.
The worst part of all this? Not knowing what to do. As of right now, I am waiting on orders to go to Norfolk which means that I have to finish a warfare pin beforehand. But since I don't know when that is, I'm stressed (which makes me depressed when I don't know what to do) because I have other things that I have to do before I move as well. I also have to study for my next advancement test which may or may not be right around the time I move. Again - more stress because of unknowns. Yuck!
Anyways - these are the ramblings that I have and needed to get on paper (in a sense).