Beyond the Wrinkle, Chapters 7 & 8: The Wrinkle of Routine and The Wrinkle of Infinity
Monday, November 26, 2012
Thanksgiving has come and gone (with much success I might add!) and the best part was that my family was noticing my weight loss success! Yay! So why am I scared to death? I’m scared to feel the excitement I’m feeling. I’m scared to hope that I’ll reach my goal. I’m scared of getting comfortable, of taking too much pride in my success thus far. I’ve never made it much past this point and I’ve never, EVER reached my goal. I’ve been here before. I’m glad to be here but… I fear going forward.
So where am I? I’m at that place of being in a good routine of tracking my food and staying away from sugar. I’ve been here before. I’ve felt the confidence and pride that comes from being in this place for several weeks – actually two months now. They say (who ever “they” are) it takes 6 weeks to get into a new routine. I’m in my routine.
But why is this a wrinkle? Why do I fear going forward from here? Because every time I’ve been here in the past it has spelled the beginning of the end. I started this journey on September 17th and while I’ve made good, steady progress I still have a ways to go. I’m afraid that somehow history will repeat itself even though I know I have a new tool in OA.
The wrinkle of routine is quickly followed by the wrinkle of infinity. Bear with me here. In wrestling with the wrinkle of routine it occurred to me that even when I reach my weight loss goal I’m not “done.” The weight loss is a finite goal. Living a healthy lifestyle doesn’t have an end – it’s an infinite process. Geepers! That’s a super wrinkle, don’t ya think? Wellllll… yes and no.
In my past attempts to loose weight I’ve looked at it as a “get to goal and maintain” plan (a la Weight Watchers). While that’s sort of it there’s more to it than just getting there and staying there. Through my baby steps in OA I’m coming to understand that, while the weight loss may stop, the journey of personal growth should never end. I look forward to a life free of compulsive eating – a life lived in recovery. I look forward to digging deeper – getting to know myself and seeing my faith deepen.
Perhaps the biggest tangible challenge is going to be accepting the fact that sugar is a four letter word to me – not just for a time, but for, well, infinity. So far resisting the temptation has been bearable – I’m learning to make substitutions & not feeling terribly tempted. But for the rest of my life? Oh dear… My mindset in the past has been “don’t eliminate any food or food group because (you) can’t live that way for the rest of your life. All things in moderation.” Now I know that the exception to this rule is sugar. Sugar is my alcohol and to be successfully in recovery that’s one “bar” I have to stay away from. Period.
So here’s to looking at routine as positive change and infinity as an exciting time of self discovery through self control. OA has made this a far less terrifying journey. I have a support system that will not go away after a tangible goal has been met. That gives me infinite hope.