Monday, November 26, 2012
I seemed to have disappeared for a while, about 5 weeks to be exact. Some things have changed over that short amount of time...and I am SO welcoming the end of Mercury Retrograde tomorrow!
Work - I gave notice, sort of and had been working a different full-time job, my old job as a part-time job and free lance. I also had a 3 hour commute each day (only 16 miles one way) in gridlock. Needless to say, I was overwhelmed, had no time for myself and was a bit miserable. I have to hand it to the people who work three jobs...all I wanted was sleep. It did make me realize though that I was eating way too much throughout the day and at night. In those 5 weeks, I have dropped about 9 pounds. The week I quit the new job, I gained 3.
Family - Since I work for family, I kept my family job on a part-time basis, thank goodness! I had something to fall back on. However, I am now on full commission, no safety net and am going to be about $1200 short a month. I need to figure something out soon! However, from a family standpoint, things are much, much better! Now that I don't have this weird tension between my boss and a co-worker. My brother on the other hand...he is still giving my parents grief and is holding visits with their grandson, hostage. Its a horrible situation and I am somewhat removed from it, well...except for the fact that we just had two Thanksgivings to attend to (Thurs and Sat).
Love - This is usually pretty boring here for me as I haven't seriously dated anyone in a long time. I have a hard time accepting myself because of my body, my past, society and...in some respects, some family members...those have all reinforced the thought that I will not find love because of my weight. Dating is difficult because of some past personal trauma, but it's even more difficult because of my weight. About a week ago, I went to a sort of reunion with some friends from grad school. One of my friends lives out of state and he came back to visit and stayed with his family for the holidays. He just got divorced about two months ago and I have thought of him always as a friend. Well...two of our mutual friends told me under their breath that he likes me and of course, I thought they were drinking too much. I've allowed my brain to entertain this thought and now...I am not sure how to feel at all. We haven't talked since and I did send him a text, along with other friends, on Thanksgiving. He didn't reply at all. My brain says...he just got divorced, I know he can be very shallow, it's probably a joke and not to trust what our mutual friends were saying because they are just...wrong. On the other hand, we do get along well, he is kinda cute...in a Bill Rancic kind of way and I can usually tell what he is thinking because its written on his face. The latter, I just figure everyone else can too, but maybe thats not true?? I don't know...what I do know about myself is that I am extremely guarded, I don't like to be vulnerable and I don't do well with emotion - I usually eat or drink my emotions away.
Food - The last sentence above leads into this...Given the stuff with my brother, my parents arguing about what is going on with my brother because they are both hurt, the whole "friend" thing, quitting a job, being short financially and the holidays...my weight has fluctuated. I was doing good...but when I quit, I went up 3.2 lbs. This week I lost one pound. I know how to "feel" but I just don't really know what to do with myself when I don't want to feel what I am feeling. I realized over the holidays that my mom has a really bad relationship with food. She has had lap band, and is down, but never learned to eat healthy. She did eat her emotions and it was a bit surreal to see this in real life, it could have easily been me. Now I know where I learned it, how do I unlearn it? It's not going to be easy, I turn 35 in May and I think I started to learn this when I was about 9. What is it they say? Knowing what the problem is is half of the battle? Well, now I know. Time to change habits.
Career - What I do now, medical sales, I am not super excited about. I do it well (not trying to brag), but my heart is not in it. I really want to do something creative and I want to wake up each morning excited about what I am doing and looking forward to each day. I know that many of us don't get that opportunity. I want that opportunity...I think so much so, that I put myself in financial danger which is not smart. But, it has made my heart happy. Now...I don't have this crazy commute, I am not waking up at 5-6 am and working till midnight, I have time to focus on a career. I want to become a Producer, I know it's far fetched and it is very naive of me to believe I can still have this dream at 35, but it feels like, "Too bad. It's what I want." The only real way for me to get there at this age is to write. I have everything I need, including traumatic life experience, but it has been hard for me to write. Not literally or ability wise, but emotionally. I know it will be cathartic for me to do, but it is also painful and it hurts. I've heard that writing is sometimes a love/hate relationship. For me, I think that's true...
So now, you are all caught up. This has been a difficult, crazy, instructive five weeks. Looking back at 2012 - I think this has been the hardest part of the year...and before this, it wasn't much easier.
For now, I think my main goal for the remainder of 2012, is to get as close to 199 as is possible! Any loss is a loss and I know that the emotional work I do to get there will be much more important than the number on the scale...