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Blog: A long time coming

Sunday, November 25, 2012

It has been nearly a month since I have blogged and what a month it has been.
I currently work at two jobs, which total 40-45 hours per week. Due to a co-worker at one job leaving for another job, I have been working over 50 hours per week and also attending several out of town training sessions, adding an additional 10-15 hours per week. Between the hours, the 200 mile (one way) drive for training and trying to keep up with the usual house-hold chores, there has been little time for much else. The money will be nice – especially now that we are into Minnesota’s heating season (temps already dipped below zero yesterday).
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Fortunately most of the training was held during deer hunting season and my son spends most of that time with his dad, so I didn’t have to feel guilty about not spending time with him. It has also led to a lack of time spent in my relationship with a man. We are still in the getting to know each other stage and have been taking things slowly due to the fact that he may have to move further away for work – or that our hours may cause time conflictions on top of the 130 mile distance between us. We are enjoying the time we can spend together, the long phone conversations and are taking things one day at a time.
Now I have agreed to take pictures of children and pets with Santa at a local mall every weekend through Christmas plus two evenings for a total of 46 hours. It will mean working seven days a week but with Christmas coming up and again the heating costs, I can use the money. My hope is to be able to give the heating company enough money to take me through the winter so that when my work hours go back to normal, I won’t have to worry about that.

I have also been going through a major emotional break-through. When my dad passed away, I couldn’t cry and had no idea why. I now think it was because I was trying to hold it together for everyone else. After attending the double funeral for my parent’s best friends (who died 51 days apart – he died two weeks before my dad and the family was waiting for her to heal from a broken hip to hold services when she passed away too) I pretty much let it go and cried and cried. Since that time other things that I have buried over the years have been coming to the surface. The smallest thing can trigger a large outburst of tears. This is a good thing because I need to get it out. The new man has really been there for me, doesn’t judge me and lets me get out whatever will come. For this reason alone, I know God brought him into my life. We may not end up a couple but we will always have a strong bond for what we are helping each other through right now (he is dealing with a lot too besides the work issue).

I had big plans for the long holiday weekend – finishing a lot of unfinished projects, putting out winter decorations, etc. Suffice to say, things didn’t go quite as planned. I did get the usual cleaning and laundry done, outdoor decorations are up and that’s about it. I think my body rebelled and said “give me some rest.” I have slept in the past four mornings and spent more time on the couch than I have in ages. My brain says “get off you butt and exercise or clean the basement” but the body refuses. I can’t say that I have felt overly guilty about it either – it really has felt good. I have watched movies, played on the computer, had a wonderful Thanksgiving Day with my family and had long conversations with friends on the phone. My butt will have to kick back into gear at 6:30 a.m. tomorrow and will have to keep going until Christmas. A benefit to Minnesota’s cold winters is that I will have plenty of indoor time to get those projects done after the holidays– MAYBE!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Sorry it took me so long to stop by and read your blog. Glad to hear you are grieving...yes, it's good to get it all out. All the driving, working, etc. that you are doing would just kill me. I don't know how you do it.
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    1939 days ago
    Hello! So nice to hear from you! emoticon

    I think there a few of us in the same boat, just had a similar blog title from another Sparkfriend and she also is as busy as!

    I am waiting to download photos and then will wrote a blog!

    Lots happening in all our crazy busy parts of the world!

    Hope you don't burn out! says me doing 10 -12 hour days. MIL not too well,told me not to get too excited about her 90th birthday next October! Reckons she may not make it till then!

    It is so sad watching our parents get old. I think thats some of the reason I am here so I stay healthy and fit for as long as possible. emoticon

    Keep well and drive SAFE! emoticon
    1941 days ago
    You have a lot going on and it looks like you are dealing with it well!
    I am so glad you have the extra money for the heating bills for winter! i know all about those winters. We don't even have ay snow yet here in PA so we actually have had a really easy winter. (I hope that doesn't change!)
    1941 days ago
    Your emotional breakthrough will be one of the most powerful motivators next time one of the "Pastards" (trigger or trauma) comes to the surface. The moment it sank in and you realized this was good to go through - cry when you need to and laugh when you don't. I never imagined that the personal rediscovery of "me" would be the real blessing from God. He gives us each day - what we do with each "today" - how we speak, act, love, move - impacts more lives than we will ever realize. Taking care of yourself first is the only way to share the best of you with your friends and family. And, I for one, am glad to meet you. They call me "Sprink" - and I hope you have a great day!
    1942 days ago
    wow u r an amazing person...hats off to ur courage and determination workwise n on the personal front too...Goodluck buddy for all walks of ur might be a seldom blog but for sure a good and heartfelt one...
    1942 days ago
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    1942 days ago
    Rest is important emoticon as is releasing our grief emoticon . So glad you are doing both. emoticon -- Lou
    1942 days ago
    "I now think it was because I was trying to hold it together for everyone else."

    I know that drill - it's not pleasant, but sometimes you have to play to your strengths. Our lives, our bodies, our brains know what we need to do and when.

    Just listen to your body - take more awesome pictures to share!! - and do right by yourself.
    1942 days ago
    Wow, you were wise to let your body rest! You are a working machine! Big hugs to you! I think it's great you are letting your emotions loose, it's not good to keep things bottled up inside. I hope you have an amazing holiday season and hopefully you'll be able to treat yourself to something nice with the extra money other than the heating bills!
    1942 days ago
    Hugs Leanne.
    You have a lot to cope with my friend. I pray that you have continued strength.
    I am glad you are starting the healing process.
    Hugs & take care,
    emoticon emoticon
    1942 days ago
  • PCOH051610
    Have I told you lately how much I admire you? Your strength and energy simply amaze me and put my feeble excuses of being "too tired" to shame.

    I am so glad you broke through the emotional wall that you were holding up after your father died. Sometimes tears are like that - we hold them back but look out when they come. I'm glad they came and that you can look back and see the reason behind it all. All too often we think we have to be the strong one but it certainly takes its toll in the long run.

    I am glad you have found a male companion and I am glad you are jumping into a relationship with your eyes closed. But, then again, I never thought you would do that! A relationship built on friendship will be the best kind whether it blossoms into romance or not. Either way, you have made a friend.

    Where do you get the energy? Working those jobs and now taking on the pet pictures! That should be kind of fun all the same! Woof woof! Wish I lived nearby so you could photograph my three fur balls.

    Has it been cold in your area? We've been very lucky considering we are stuck out in the mid-Atlantic. I think we have only seen frost one morning and I am still wearing bare feet in my shoes! How is your house heated? We have electric heat and a propane stove in our basement. We rarely use the latter all the same but it is nice to have a back up heat source. A lot of people here burn wood but we gave that up when we moved to this house six years ago. It was wonderful heat but a lot of work.

    Take care my friend and please allow yourself some rest between it all! emoticon Susan
    1943 days ago
  • LEXIE63
    I can't say I blame your body for refusing to let your butt up for a few days. :-) You are doing so much at the moment, you more than earned some couch time.

    Whatever happens with your fella, the timing of your relationship is good, and I'm glad you are able to let your emotions come to the surface now. I did the same thing when my Dad died. I was too busy worrying about how it was affecting everyone else, so it was months before I properly grieved.

    It is good that you have your fellas support at this time. :-)
    Take care,
    Lex xxx
    1943 days ago
    God Bless! I like the change of seasons, but Minnesota doesn't change them for long, except winter! Fuel your body well, it will need all the help it can get in your overloaded schedule. Treat yourself to something each week, just for having survived!

    1943 days ago
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