WARNING: This blog will be whiny. This blog will be depressing. This blog will be negative. This blog will be dark. This blog will be a sorry mess of me making confessions and trying to sort things out. This blog will show many of the more unpleasant aspects of who I am. You many just stop liking me at all if you continue reading (if you ever did in the first place, that is). Reader discretion is advised.
Yesterday was a complete write off of a day. Yesterday was me as I was just six months ago, the me that has been dominant for nearly my entire life, the me that can't stand positivity, that embraces suffering and darkness, the core of me that is truly a self-destructive masochist. Yesterday I just didn't care about anything at all. And things proceeded as one would probably expect: they went downhill very very quickly.
When I woke up, I actually felt fairly positive. It was my weigh-in day, and I had actually managed to lose a pound, even though my pulled hamstring muscle had prevented any intense workouts during the week. So I was briefly in good spirits. I was ready to go and have a good workout, as my leg felt much better. But, for reasons I won't get into here, my workout was delayed. And, even though I admit it was a totally irrational response, my mood plummeted. I had the mother of all negative mood swings. I felt foul. I felt livid. I was angry at the universe, and with no good reason, really. The littlest thing just managed to trigger so many of my repressed inner demons.
So eventually, I did get my workout in. And it was a decent one. And the endorphins should have lifted my spirits. But they didn't. My mood stayed blacker than black. And I suddenly got this overwhelming urge to eat and eat and eat, the way I used to. And I knew I wasn't going to be able to stop myself, I felt completely out of control. So I gave in to those demons, and decided that it was going to be a binge day. I didn't really have much food that was binge worthy in the house, and so I knew I had to get out of the house as quickly as possible. Before I left, however, I managed to wolf down two Nature Valley Sweet and Salty Dark Chocolate granola bars. And then things got worse...
I was going to spend the evening with my boyfriend. I texted him and told him I wanted to order something for dinner. I told him I was going to EAT, and asked him what he wanted me to pick up at the store on my way over. I think he could tell what sort of whirlwind mood I was in, so he didn't argue. So even though this is completely embarrassing, I am going to list EVERYTHING that I ate yesterday. What follows is what used to be a typical binge afternoon/evening for me. This is why I got fat in the first place. Although I am ashamed, I am hoping me sharing this with the world will be motivation for me to get back on track.
BEFORE I LEFT THE HOUSE:
-1 Sportzone Energy Bar in Chocolate Peanut Butter Flavour
-Coffee with double cream
-1 Astro Zero 100g Yogurt
(up until this point, I was still TRYING, apart from the coffee cream...)
-2 Nature Valley Sweet and Salty Dark Chocolate and Nut Granola Bars
ON THE WAY TO MY BOYFRIEND'S PLACE:
-1 Starbuck's Chocolate Caramel Muffin (I had been drooling over these since I first noticed them a couple of weeks ago. I thought this had to be the perfect day for me to try one - it was heavenly! If they had these before I started eating healthier I could have easily gained another 10 pounds...) If I had know how much I would adore this, I would have probably bought another. Good thing there was no open Starbuck's near my boyfriend's place...
WITH MY BOYFRIEND:
-Swill Chalet Club Wrap with French Fries and extra dipping sauce, plus their Festive Special Stuffing
-Half a large bag of Hershey Bites
-Half a large bag of Miss Vickie's Salt and Vinegar Chips
-A few bites of a slice of red velvet cake
-3 Lindt Truffles
-Several peach rings and sour gummies
-2 Rockstar Recovery Drinks (at least these only had 20 calories each...)
I think that's it, although I might be missing a few things. I still tried to accurately track everything, and my calories for the day were a whopping 3400! I ate nearly a pound's worth of calories in one day.
So there it is. I have exposed myself to the world in all my shame. I feel TERRIBLE today. I am bloated and tired and weak and my stomach is still upset from all the abuse I gave it last night. This is the real me that I have been trying to suppress. She is grinning evilly and giggling and telling me that I can't get rid of her that easily. I WILL keep fighting that part of me, however. I know I've worked too hard to go back to my old habits now, but I am deflated in knowing just how easy it is to slip back into my self-destructive ways. And this is only a glimpse of how self-destructive I can be. There are so many different aspects of this that I'm not even going to get into right now. I don't have the energy to fight against temptation today, so luckily I still feel so sick from last night that I don't WANT to eat anything unhealthy.
So there you have it. I was going to write more. I was going to write more about how things are going in other aspects of my life, and how much everything sucks, but I'm really not up to it right now. I'm sorry if I've disillusioned anybody. But now you see just what a struggle it is for me to remain positive sometimes. When you have lived your entire life only able to see the negative side of things, it truly is a fight every moment to see the positive. I will keep fighting, I will. But at the moment, I have to be honest with myself and with everybody else, and admit that yes, I will still have lapses like this sometimes. I guess I just don't love myself as much as I thought I did, narcissist though I may be. Bah! I REALLY can't stand myself at the moment. But this, like all other things, shall pass. At least I have to believe it will, lest I keep on performing these horrible self-destructive acts, because yes, things CAN get even worse.