Sunday, November 25, 2012
Last night, after dinner (my usual time of impending disaster, as I often lose all functioning of my "brakes" (re: eating; you got that, right?), especially if there is anything chocolate/carby within about a 1 mile radius of me... I journaled about some stressful situations that I had been feeling sad & angry about. It did help, but the chocolate still found me later. --This is the extremely frustrating pattern that I aim to end. Thinking about these aspects of "Emotional Eating", and feeling fairly desperate, I also looked up "When Food is Love" (by Geneen Roth) on Amazon & read as much of it as I could on their "Click to Look Inside" (this Book) feature. I even cried a little, relating to her story. (I'm not usually a crier.) A friend (who I later realized was too judgmental to actually be a friend) had recommended it to me sometime in the mid-90s. I remembered the first few pages. (I think I'd read it while standing in a book store. I don't think I bought it.) I just wasn't ready for it then. Now is the right time in my life for it. So, I made a plan (as of last night) to keep journaling right after dinner. The book is in my shopping cart on Amazon, waiting for my next purchase. I'm also going to save one piece of chocolate to eat before I go to bed. (Not long before I brush my teeth.) That way I'll have some chocolate to look forward to every day, or rather, every night.
I think these things will work for me. I've been a little afraid to put rules like these in place for myself because I'm always hearing about things that people with eating disorders do; like having "too many rules" for themselves. I've realized that there are some things that work for me and some things that don't. If I have some rules for myself about nutrition & exercise, that doesn't mean that I have an eating disorder. This fear (being "accused" of having an eating disorder) was instilled in me on two occasions (noted here in reverse order of occurrence): One was when I was at my first job out of college. I was working on losing the weight I had gained in college (and did so, successfully, thank you very much!) when a colleague (another very judgmental busy-body, not the aforementioned frenemy) made such an "accusation". She based this on the fact that I was eating small portions and that I often ate the same thing for lunch several days in a row. (Never mind that she had the same soggy looking baloney sandwich on white bread every day. Whatever. I don't think I would eat that if I were offered money. Then again, maybe I'd do it once, if the price was right, but I don't know why anyone would pay to make that happen. Kind of reminds me of Joey on "Friends" assuming that he'd be rich when he found his "Identical Hand Twin" --Whaaat???) Anyway, I explained to her that I was single and living alone on a limited budget. So, if I made, let's say, a bunch of broccoli & cheese, I'd be eating that for a few days, until it was gone. (Unless I froze it, but I only like to freeze certain kinds of food. I don't like for my food to taste like the freezer itself. --Blech!) There was also the time, in college, when I dropped about 8 lbs. in the beginning of my Freshman year because I had heard about the "Freshman Fifteen" (i.e, "typical" weight gain experienced by kids in their first year of dorm life, until they figure out that beer & doritos won't sustain them through their mid-terms). I really didn't drink in college, though. There was a salad bar in the cafeteria and, as a Frosh, most of my food came from there. I really didn't have any extra weight to lose when I started college, so when a young woman in my class asked if I had an eating disorder (and I finally weighed myself and realized that I had lost weight), it scared me so much that I started eating everything that sounded good to me at meal times in the cafeteria. In my last year of college, I moved to an off campus apartment with a roommate and that's when the weight gain started in earnest. It was the first time I really had access to food 24/7. I didn't have to wait for the cafeteria to open to eat, as I rarely bought food when I lived in the dorms. Every study break meant a snack. That later became my bad habit of eating when I was bored. I think the woman who commented about my weight in my Freshman year really did have good intentions. She said she had had anorexia several years earlier, but she was an average to slightly heavier weight at the time of our conversation. However, I think this is "snipey" (like being a sniper) behavior that girls & women inflict on one another quite often. --A kind of (sometimes) adult bullying. (Like it's not bad enough that most men want us to be thin? Sheesh!) Where's the love from the sisterhood!? Well, I'm happy to say, those of us on SP are truly supportive of one another, always encouraging, always in a do-whatever-works-for-you-as-l
ong-as-it's-healthy kind of way. THANK YOU ALL for that!
Here's to our health! (Raising a mug of tea.)