Saturday, November 24, 2012
Went out to dinner with my coach last night and while it was good, it was also really intense. We ended up talking about the relationship with my husband and I and I'm just so confused. I realize that this is ultimately my decision to make but I really don't know what direction to take. I need guidance on this issue with someone that isn't invested on a decision in either way. This is such a hard time for me. I wish it was easy to make this decision. I don't know why I feel like I have to make this decision now. I think that what I really want to happen is outside the realm of possibility or even probability. Like it's just some fantasy that can't possibly ever happen. I feel like I'm trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole. I think I want to be on my own with just my daughter. But at the same time I want the fantasy of happily ever after with the prince of my dreams. I just don't think that's a reality for me. I don't think it can happen for me. I don't know that I'm capable of truly being loved, feeling loved AND giving love to someone of the opposite sex. I've just not ever really felt completely safe with the opposite sex and I don't know that I ever will. Is it possible to heal after all this? will anyone ever REALLY love me for me and not try to change me into something i'm not or not be threatened by my independence and stubbornness?
I feel like I'm constantly wrestling with myself and my expectations and trying to figure out whether or not they are realistic. I just want to be loved. why is that so hard??? why can't I trust that I'm lovable and loved? I don't know that I've ever really truly felt like I was loved. I mean logically I know that there are people that love me but Idk how to feel it. I don't know if that makes any sense?
I started writing this earlier this afternoon before I went to a study session and it's now 5 hours later. Just got a call from the husband and he asked me out to dinner. I told him that I needed a few days to think about it. I'm so confused. I just don't know that we have anythiing in common. I think part of me is scared to see if there is something more that we can connect on and maybe I'm scared that there isn't anything else that we can connect on. I'm afraid of being vulnerable, of being accused of being misleading and of being uncomfortable. What if I agree to go to dinner with him and it's really awkward? I just don't know what to do. Texted my coach about the whole dinner thing and that I don't think I'm strong enough to do this and her response was "you battled cancer and you worry you can't battle your husband?!? Really?!"
yes this is scarier than cancer because there wasn't any other choice with cancer. I HAD to fight it. with this I'm afraid of doing the wrong thing and of hurting people. I just don't know what to do. I wish there was a manual for this crap.
I am terrified of going to dinner and this scary, uncomfortable thing being more awkward, scary and uncomfortable than it is under normal situations. Going to dinner is TERRIFYING but it's tolerable when I have my coach there with me. I don't know that I can do it. The hubby did apologize for asking me after he did it because he knows that asking me out to dinner is the same thing as me asking him out for a drink. I don't know what to do!!!
Why is this so difficult? Why am I struggling with this so much? shouldn't this be easy? I mean who am I kidding. I think he's just in love with the idea of a family and not really in love with me. I'm not lovable in that way.