Rough day...

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Tough day today...and it's not over yet :p I'm not sure what it is exactly. We are heading into Omaha for the day tomorrow to see my dad and my brother. The two of them didn't speak to each other for a couple years after my mom died. It made a very difficult time even more difficult for me. Last year, my brother started to come around again and lately he has even stopped by to see my dad. But I'm kind of anxious about seeing them. We are meeting at a restaurant (my brothers choice) and then going back to my dad's because i want to spent time with him. My brother wanted us to go to a sports bar to watch football but I'm not a bar kind of person plus i can't see my dad if we do that. I just want to see them both and have a nice day. Please God....let us have a nice day with no unnecessary drama.

Ever since my mom died and my ex-husband abandoned us, the holidays are just not the same. I struggle with depression and bitterness during the 6 weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's such a battle to keep from thinking stop from feeling sorry for myself...aaarrrggghhh. It has gotten better but it's here again, creeping into the fringes of my psyche. Today was just a day that was a battleground. My kid's and grandchildren all live far away...Washington State, Pennsylvania, North Carolina. I work and save so that i can go visit them but i doesn't get to happen more than twice a year. I miss them all so much and the holidays are a terrible time to not get to be together.

I am also stressed by my final's coming up. I have so much studying to do. And i will be gone all day tomorrow...i have a meeting Monday and a haircut. I put a lot of pressure on myself to get all A's. I do really well on assignments and papers but i haven't taken finals in....well....30 years?! My memory skills are not as sharp as they used to be, either!!! I'm scared and freaking out.

Woke up today with an anxiety headache that never left all day. Caffeine, Motrin, and a glass of wine have not helped it. I'm pretty sure it's school anxiety. I will be sooooo glad to have this semester behind me!!!

The good news is i have not turned to chocolate, fudge bars, pie or anything else for comfort. I've tried to eat reasonably and keep busy doing other things like Algebra and Literature as well as cutting out these cute little bunny dolls called "Bunny Boo-boo". I'm making them out of baby flannel and you fill them rice. They can be warmed in the microwave for a hot pack or kept in the freezer for a cold pack. I'm making them for my grand babies :)

Well, time to get off here and try to organize my final paper for literature :) I'm very glad that tomorrow is a new day filled with new promise and new adventures. This too shall pass :) emoticon

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    congrads on going to school. hard to do when you work also. i treat the holidays like regular days. makes it easier to deal with. i know some folk want them to be special, but that is very stressful for some of us. i don't do drama any more.
    1939 days ago
    2 things came to mind when I read this post.
    (1) You are grieving the loss of your ideal holidays.
    You wish things could be like they SHOULD be.
    It's ok to grieve that Christmas isn't going to be like you always thought it would. If you recognize it as a loss of a dream and then grieve that loss, you will then be on your way to healing. Hard, I know. But there is always a silver lining to look for. And I know you will find those blessings that chase away the grief and depression.
    (2) Something I learned when I went back to school as an adult with children. It doesn't matter if you get straight C's as long as you pass and get that diploma. Employers rarely look for the Magna Cum Laude of the class since they rarely pay any more for those employees than the next one that simply has a B or C average. If you cut yourself some slack you will be more likely to succeed b/c you won't give up on your less-than-perfect paper/assignments. Do your best and be ok with your second best also.

    Both of these things were sage advice from two people that advised me during my lifetime. And it made so much difference to me. I hope it does the same for you.

    I'm praying for you and rooting for you. You are the only person in this world you can change. Everyone else must choose for themselves.


    ~ t.
    1939 days ago
    I don't know if this will help, but I'm a returning student, too, and it can add a lot of stress to an already stressful life. Hang in there! It's SO normal to feel down around the holidays when there's family drama. I hope your holiday goes as well as possible, and I recommend this article, as well:
    1939 days ago
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